I’m stuck again… this time, I no longer feel the satisfaction I used to feel. Nothing seems good to me… watching a movie or TV show doesn’t satisfy… doesn’t distract me from what’s going on inside.
The scariest part, not even food tastes the same…
I wish I could find some relief… but I don’t know where to go… I’m not sure what to do.
The worst part? This is all my fault… I screwed up again…
I wish I were dead. Or maybe that I never existed… maybe then I wouldn’t hurt so many people.
Wow.
I’m reading some of my posts from last year. I can’t believe how much things have changed.
I’ve become more independent and I think I like it… maybe it’s just that I’ve gotten quieter.
I don’t feel as lonely anymore.
And I think I found a new hobby: writing. But I haven’t done it in awhile…
I’m not quite sure where my future will take me, but all I can say is that I hope it’s full of new adventures and meeting new people.
I do know that I want to change things for anyone who are depressed, suicidal, for people who have developed eating disorders or those who self-harm.
Psychology […]
You know those long walks I go on at night?
Oh wait… no they don’t know about it because they won’t listen.
But do you know what I think about?
I think about how horrible a person I am.
If I am such a horrible and frustrating person, then I deserve to die and I deserve the pain from cutting.
I’m not suicidal, I just want to forget about everything.
I want to disappear
Erase myself from everyone’s memory
Maybe I could just be normal
For once in my life
But I am not in the least bit normal
I guess, I can always be […]
What if I told you I don’t belong here?
He asked, what do you mean, here at school or on this world?
I answered with on this world
He said he was scared
I was scaring him
He didn’t know what to say
He asked me if I was talking about suicide
I told him no
He asked me if I was telling him the truth
I lied and said yes
I was thinking about suicide
There was a whole 40 minutes from the time that I left my friend and walked to his door
In that time, I had walked to the river and […]
Some days, the fog seems to lift and I begin to see hope for my future
But I still hate the sunny days
It’s only the cloudy days for me
Just without the fog
My brains seems to step up the to the plate
And I can concentrate on something again
But some days, I still feel so dark and lonely
It’s sickening
The cutting is my friend.
But it’s not a healthy friend.
It’s a sick friend… just like me.
So much for quitting…
A guy told me first semester that I was perfect.
I wish I would have told him then how wrong he is.
I’m not, in the least bit, perfect.
I am screwed up.
I’ve screwed up.
My brain’s a mess.
Do people really notice that right now I’m faking it until I make it?
I’m cutting again.
But this time, nobody will find out.
I’m keeping it a secret.
I want to keep it a secret.
I hate that anybody ever found out.
It was a terrible idea that anyone found anything.
I should have never let the razor slip and then I had to […]
March 26, 2012
I want to cut.
There’s the temptation
I’ll do it, then not tell anyone.
Who would it hurt then?
But I know it’s wrong.
Why can’t I do the right thing?
When the wrong thing seems right?
I want to give up
I’m in too deep this time
It’s tempting to just give in and give up
It’s only been 5 days since I’ve last cut, but I don’t want to cut anymore.
It’s going to be tough.
But I’m not doing it for me, but for all my friends, family and counselors/ therapists that I’ve met over the years.
I don’t want to hurt them again.
But I think about it constantly.
My skin cries out to be cut.
But I can’t do it.
I want to find different ways to cope.
I want to think positively and think about all of the things that I love.
I love rollerblading, shooting hoops on sunny days, The Mighty Ducks, this crazy […]
Only He can make my blood stains white as snow.
Only He can make me feel alive once again.
Why did he ignore me?
Why didn’t he talk to me when I left a post-it note on his door?
It was just one question? If he’d be at church on Sunday?
Why does he spend so much time with ‘her”?
Why was he mad when I asked for 5 minutes of “her” time when he spends four hours with her?
Why won’t “he” and “her” watch a movie with me?
Why don’t they look happy to see me?
Why can’t I be loved?
Why does it get to be fair for them and I’m left on the outside crying for help?
Why don’t I […]
For all of those people who have commented on my posts. Thank you! I really like this website and I feel like I can share my feelings and people will understand what I’m going through or what I’m feeling.
People tell me it’s al my fault.
Everything.
That depression can easily be controlled and easily healed.
They don’t know the half of it.
People leave the mentally sick and tell us to become independent, but the physically sick get a hug and they’re told that everything will be all right.
Why isn’t someone on my side?
I go to doctors appointment, talk to therapists, meet with advisors, get my medications and pay for it all. All by myself.
And I’m not even 19 years old yet.
Why isn’t there someone telling me that I’m doing something right?
I don’t do everything wrong, do I?
I’m still human.
Just like them. I’m not any different. Just […]
Time after time.
We’ve fallen.
And nobody’s there to catch us.
So we fall some more.
If I wasn’t here tomorrow, would anyone notice?
If I wasn’t here tomorrow, would it even matter? Would anyone lose sleep?
My good days are fleeting.
My bad days last forever….
I just wish my friends could understand what I’m feeling.
I feel so lonely all the time.
I want a friend who will be there all the time. And we can talk about anything, not just me being depressed or my problems, but also just what ever comes up. Or maybe somebody could watch a movie with me instead of me doing everything by myself.
Why do I feel so lonely?
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