helplessgirl

helplessgirl

Dear whoever is reading this, hi there, I’m Nicole. This is actually harder than I thought, since I don’t really have a story to tell. I just went through a really long hard time, and I never could find a reason for my sadness. I spent most of my time alone, crying myself to sleep for months. I hated myself, who I was, who I became. I felt so uncomfortable in my skin, awkward, as if somehow I didn’t fit in my own skin. I didn’t belong. Somewhere along the self-hatred and the madness I had lost who I was. No one noticed. I was an obscure ghost trapped in a scrawny skeleton body. I could have disappeared and no one, not a single person would have cared to notice. I couldn’t bare to look at myself. I couldn’t stand who I was. Death seemed so lovely at the time. It seemed like the answer. Right then and there I had realized I had destroyed myself. I had no idea who I was becoming. I used to be known as ‘the happiest girl’ in my grade. People would always tell me “you’re always so happy.” By the end of the year no one even seemed to noticed me anymore. I didn’t seem to talk as much as I used to. I went quiet. Now I was that sky girl that no one had seemed to notice. Little did they know I was quickly going insane. I couldn’t tell anyone about how I felt. I was scared. I tried to tell my family, though they didn’t understand. They didn’t know everything. In fact, they knew nothing at all. I tried to fight the long fight of insanity and madness inside myself. The battle, the sadness, the darkness that was slowly eating me alive. Taking over every inch that was left of me. I was slowly disappearing and no one would notice. I found that I wanted to die. To just disappear and end everything. I wanted out. To end the pain. To give up. I was scared. Of myself. What I had become. The voices wouldn’t shut up. They’d always be there. The ugly voices inside me. The thoughts that wouldn’t go away. They would always be there. They burned in the back of my mind. Death seemed so friendly, just one step and I would be…. No. I never gave up. I was strong, and I held on. I never thought that the madness and the misery would end. I thought maybe I was supposed to feel like this. Finally one day after a long dark night of staring at my scars, thinking about all the choices I’ve made, crying my eyes out, thinking. About everything. What I’ve done to myself. I didn’t want to be this person anymore. I want to have happiness. To feel it. To be it. Happy. To make it through. And today I am proud to say that I made it through. To whoever is reading this, don’t give up, you are stronger than this. You deserve to be happy. Keep your head up, darling, because you mean something to someone and you are important, and you are loved. Sometimes miracles are more attainable then you know. The struggles make you stronger. Be you and be strong. You deserve happiness. ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ Little details: Name: Nicole From: New York Favorite movie(s): The Notebook, The Titanic, Due Date, Step Brothers, The Hangover Favorite song: Everybody talks - Neon Trees Favorite TV show(s): Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries, Awkward, Two broke girls, Skins Favorite animal: Zebras, they’re cute. They look like black and white striped horses. Favorite book(s): Wintergirls, Perfect Hobbies: Photography, Reading, Cooking, Dancing, Painting, writing Celebrity crushes: Taylor Momsen, Ryan Gosling, Lindsay Lohan, Taylor Lautner, Harry Styles Favorite color: I like blue, it reminds me of the ocean, and sky, and blueberries. Favorite food(s): Strawberries, Blueberry muffins, Tacos, Cheesy fries, Celery, cheese burgers, pasta, sushi, pineapple Favorite sport: Dancing, Tennis, volleyball, gymnastics Favorite holiday: Easter. It’s a great way to spend time with my family, and also egg hunting, chocolate bunnies, and all the pretty colors. Favorite shape: I like circles, because they are not that complicated. Favorite class: English, and math. Favorite store(s): I love Vintage shops. Topshop, Modcloth, Zara, Forever 21 Favorite place(s) to kissed: I love when girls/guys kiss my collarbone. I also enjoy it when I get kissed on the neck to. Favorite perfume: Sweet pea, and apricot vanilla ♥