Doing better. Doing worse. If this goes on any longer, I don’t know what I’ll be capable of. Trying to be strong. My mind is breaking down. Snapping. The pressure, no release valve. I can’t shut it off. I made this decision. Made it for good reasons. I have tried to overcome myself and can once again feel myself slipping. everything crushing in so tight. can’t see anything. I can feel my mind falling away. My testament, my great push to become better, falling into another facade, another lie. I keep trying. trying to be strong. how long will it last. So strong, rigid, it […]
I don’t know what to say. it’s been a few months since I was last on here. I felt pretty bad. Months later, I feel better and worse at the same time. It’s hard to concentrate. This calm, dull inertia seems to have crept over me. the days pass in a blur of unfeeling, which is almost worse than the pain. Focusing on my work has helped some. I hide and ignore the world. My family continues to fall apart, and I’m glad I’m not there, but I feel terrible for feeling that way. honestly, I want this all to be over somehow. But that […]
My head is pounding, excruciating. And I can feel the weight, the pressure, pushing down. Trying to write an assignment, like I have been trying to do for hours, today, yesterday, the day before, and before that…
My head isn’t in this. In fact, it couldn’t be less involved in reality. Work hard… I always have. I felt like I owed something, putting myself behind bars of steal to force every ounce of strength I had into it… I can’t do anything else. I have to… I mean, in my field, you would really think I would care more. about people… I study a variety of […]
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I was doing well, I almost lost track of myself. For me, coming out of all that darkness was a miracle. I was on track, I felt like I had a direction, besides the anger and hurt and pain. I don’t know where else to write this, to speak it out loud, because this, my most recent and inevitable collapse, cannot be heard by anyone else. This is my only voice, the clack clack of my computer keys. I feel pathetic, spilling up the words here like bloody vomit, because I cannot be alone. I need to […]
I feel so incredibly guilty. Marked, Branded, Judged. Dirty, filthy on the inside. This is my confessional. I am selfish, I am false, and I am a liar.
I can talk, spill over with words here about her, and what she did. But in the end, after all of the shit and piss and blood of Her, I am the one I am mad at, and I am the one who is guilty.
There are so many things I would rather hide away. Hide from plain sight. My internal wretch, the insufferable Thing I see in the mirror. What people see is false, and I know it. […]
While there’s a lot of other things going on in my head right now, I have to get this out. In a way I wish this really was a letter to you. You nine sided whore. but then I would have to speak to you, to look at you, and I can’t stand to even think about you. Your lies, your games, your betrayal.
The worst part is I really never saw it coming. I loved you, and you were one of my closest friends. I have known you for so long, held you through so many disasters… I really thought I knew you… But all […]