The title says it all. I can’t please anyone, no one really loves me, no one cares. I’m justÂ a selfish, worthless piece of shit of a bastard with no brain. I also must pretend to be someone I’m not and it’s pure torture. I’ve been bullied and due to my chronic stress, the bullying I used to ignore is now haunting me, taunting me. I lock my feelings deep down and hide it with a smile but I’m so dead inside. Now I am considered mute and heartless. Yes, I don’t know how to love anymore. Therefore I do not deserve to live another moment, because I am worthless and no one would miss me at all
I have been holding on for too long and I am slipping. I have no one up top to reach down and grab me, pull me up; and I have no one to catch me when I fall. I was once on the edge now I am dangling and ready to fall. I thought I could handle the weight of the world, fight on towards my future until the day I die. But I can’t. The world is depressing even-though there is so much fun around. I am so heart-broken even though I have friends, family, and a boyfriend who love me dearly. You may think that I am nothing what I am writing, but I may be here physically and in person but in truth, I am mentally gone, far far away, I am so dead inside I can barely breathe. My soul isÂ shattered into nothing but ashes and dust. I am sorry for leaving those I love and who love me back but I cannot take it any more, I cannot take the fact that I will be nothing but a twit, a great expectation that does not and never will involve my hopes and dreams, a robot, and many more. I had so many people tellingÂ me to hang on, things will get better, you will become the man you were meant to be and will.Â I sought for help months ago, therapy, I still cannot fight on, move on any longer. I am done…
I love my family for they adopted me, took care of me, and loved me, even-though we have our ups and downs.
I love my friends for they are like family, they supported and loved me as well as helpped.
I love my boyfriend for he kept me going and I love him.Â So please, my love, move on, but know I will always love and be watching you.
And to my enemies, of course I feel hurt but you are not the reason believe it or not. You may be part of it but only a tiny portion.
Please do not blame yourself, do not feel sorry for I will be in a better place, heaven or hell I don’t know where I will end up but all I know is that I will no longer be stressed out majorly nor depressed.
I love you all, including my enemies and beyond,
Hunter Crowley Nightshade
I have been holding on for too long in my life. Since the age of four I have been hiding who I really am. A boy trapped in a girl’s body. I want to be free but my trans/homophobic parents/society aren’t letting me. I cant do this anymore. I may seem alive but I’m already dead. I cannot take another year as a girl, it tortures me, it pains Hunter being trapped deep inside this body. I see my self as a butterfly but I am still in my coocoon and I want out but I know I can’t. I can’t do this anymore, I have been holding on saying to myself things will get better, it’s getting worse. I love everyone I hate everyone. I love myself I hate myself. I can’t do this anymore. I want to end my life.
Note: I wrote this after I was blackmailed and cyber raped
Ashes to Ashes I am covered
Blood rushing through my veins
Blood rushing through my head
Blood rushing out of me
I once was a pure, strong one
Filled with light and alivliness
Now darkness consumes me
And I have fallen My heart crushed
My mind gone mad, And my body shattered
Ashes to Ashes I am shattered
Shattered to the core
I wake from my sleep
To walk in my never-ending nightmare
I was once alive
I once had strong wings to soar
I once was pure with light
Now I am dead
My wings weak, no longer able to soar
I am no longer pure and filled with darkness
Ashes to Ashes You have shattered me whole
Shattered me body and soul Ashes to Ashes
I lay me down to sleep
I pray that death comes
And greet me to the afterlife
All world’s a stage and it is very much true. We are all actors, born with scripts in our minds and hearts.
Many act as if they are the leaning shoulder, the helping hand. Not everyone is a lie though, no I wont go that far go that far for I am a lie.
I am the walking lie. What you see on the outside is not true, it’s what’s inside that is true. To walk among society as a lie pains me, tortures me. I give anything to be free. Free from this torment.
People say be strong. They say that just to show you that they care when they really don’t. Hurt is all they bring you. I am not blaming you. I am not blaming anyone. I probably don’t mean anything to you. If I did, then things would have been diffrent, someone would have reached out and set me free.
The happy memories fade and soon the memories of horror and darkness consume my mind, heart, and soul.
Sometimes I’m afraid of closing my eyes because if I do, my mind will wander to the painful past. I am tired of being a walking lie. Not being able to show people who I truly am. I am tired of caving in these feelings. But I don’t want others to suffer my rampage. None of you deserve that.
Each day and night I slip further and deeper into the abyss of hell.
I need saving from this dark smodering hole. I need a hand to reach mine and grab it before I fall. But I know that the hand I want will never come for I am too much of a burden.
No, I am not crazy, I am not insane, I’m far from it actually. And I am tired. Tired if trying to hold on and fight, trying to be so perfect, and being a walking lie. Keeping the real me hidden, trapped, and tortured.
I am ready to raise the white flag and surrender the losing war. A smile is an easy disguise for a broken person, a shattered soul. Words are just tunes that people hear but never listen. No one really cares. But I know that now it is already over so. Would it matter if I wasn’t here tomorrow? Would anyone care? Would it matter at all?