For the first time in a long time I’ve thought about killing myself. It’s strange, because I don’t feel the same despair I used to feel, the anguish and hopelessness that came with my suicidal… “Fits”. But the thought is there, pushing at the back of my mind, drilling its way to the centre of my attention. Just a few hours and freedom is ours. I can’t believe it’s happening again…
That’s what it’s called. The happy moment interrupted suddenly by the painful thought, “God, I’m so stupid, I wish I could die.” It’s so silly, I can’t cross a bridge anymore, or stand near a high window, without it creeping up on me. “One jump, two seconds, splat! It’s all over.” You think that you’re happy, but all of a sudden the sanctuary of your mind is no longer safe. You have to tiptoe around your own thoughts, control the urges, try your damndest to keep it just that. Passive. Because if you take that leap, if you make that plan, if you reach for […]
I’m sorry if I mislead you, lead you on or gave any signals I didn’t mean to send. Truth is, I’m in love with someone who sure as hell isn’t you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before… I’m a lesbo freak. I’m in love and it kills me everyday because I know I can never have her. I feel z lot of shit, pity for myself and empathy for you. I’m sorry I can’t ever love you, and I know what it’s like now, to have love thrown back in your face. I’m sorry I can’t be who I wish I could be… if […]
Im finally going to get myself noticed. People are finally going to see that I can be just as good (or maybe better) than my sisters. Even if it’s only a school talent show! I will MAKE my family see what I can do, I will MAKE them believe in my voice and my capabilities. After over a year of practice, my work will finally pay off. Wish me luck, guys.
I hate every second I spend in this hell hole that’s supposed to be my home. I hate looking at my dad, every time I do I feel this surge of resentment. Im tired of being that bastard’s punching bag, the fuck up to blame when things go wrong, the one who’s talents are ignored. I’ve never cut before but tonight I really want to. Everything that’s important to me is ignored, the only thing that gets me noticed is when I get pissed off and snappy, then they yell at me and I’m left crying, trying hard to explain. No one understands, they can’t […]
I’m only 13, my hormones are driving me batshit crazy, I can’t control myself. I can’t help it when I get upset, people just get in the wrong place at the wrong times, and I snap at them, I can be rude, but it’s not my fault! I spent most of my 13th year wishing I wasn’t alive, I’m stressed out, tired all the time, I’m so lonely and restless I just can’t help being irritable. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m so confused, I’m crying one.minute, infuriated the next, and a second later I’m elated. I’m going insane, and I know this […]
I’ve honestly never felt comfortable talking to my father about anything meaningful. For most of my life, Id even go as far to say that I was scared of him. Still am, a little. Dad, he’s always been the angry guy. He’s ex-navy, and is thoroughly no-nonsense. I, am the exact opposite. I dropped out of Air Cadets this year as I couldn’t stand it, I like to speak my mind, I am creative and very sensitive. Whenever I have something eating away at me, I go tell my mom I need to talk, and she’ll sit down, listen and let me tell the full […]
I feel horrible every time I look in the mirror. I hate the sight of my body and I try my best to cover up, though it isnt always possible. Now I’ve even started to turn the lights out in the bathroom when I step out of the shower so I dont have to look at my god awful body. The only part of me Im remotely proud of is my eyes, but that’s only because they’re not mine, they’re my mom’s.
I feel worthless, unlovable in every way. I like to read romance stories, but I always feel a pang deep in my chest because […]
Lately, Ive been feeling very overworked, and even more under appreciated. I almost broke down while making dinner a few days ago. Ive been overworked because my older sister hasnt been here to pick up her share, so naturally it all falls on me. No, housework is too below my older sister, shes too busy flaunting “natural talent” for something that has been MY dream since I was a little girl. Every play she auditions for, she gets in, shes never shown interest in acting before, but she just has to be better than me. Ive been taking lessons for as long as I can […]
Last week, I lost my best friend. We had an argument, a falling out, and I feel horrible. Every time Im near her I feel so much. Im sad, lonely, sorry, hurt and kind of irritated. She hardly talks to me anymore. Only in English class, when she needs help with the project we’ve been assigned.
Im hurt because she wont talk to me. Im lonely because she was my only true friend. I have some people I chat with, an occasional shopping buddy, but really Im very isolated. Im hurt also because I feel as if I mean nothing to her, as if she […]
All day long its the same thing. The same boring classes, the same horrible people, the same note plastered on my locker. “DORK”. The same 2-3 hours sitting all alone at home, the same rest of the day being yelled at and being told to shut up when I try to start a pleasant conversation. The same insomnia, trying desperately to fall asleep but my brain wont shut the fuck up, the same exhaustion I feel when I finally shut off my alarm the next morning. Im so tired of this, Im exhausted and bored. I think Im finally done.
I hate myself. Its hard not to hate yourself when everyone else hates you. Hell, Im so ugly and unlikeable that people wont even SIT beside me! Desk change today. My desk was moved so I was beside this one boy Reid, and on the other side of him was Farhan. Before class even started, Reid requested to be moved halfway across the room. But of course, my desk was moved again to be beside Farhan’s desk. What does he do? He moves his chair to be as far from me as possible. Then, he moves his things to the next desk. While I walked […]
I hate this house. I hate Ottawa, I hate the whole damn province. I hate what this place has always stood for. Since I moved to this fucking urban wasteland all I’ve felt was angry, depressed and suicidal.
I hate what this house stands for too. In this house all that’s happened was me getting yelled at, me yelling back, me crying, and me being ignored. I hate the kitchen, this is where all the fights happen, this is where all the knives that I can never use are. I hate the living room, I spent an hour there yesterday being explained exactly how I’m nothing […]
I hate this house. I hate Ottawa, I hate the whole damn province. I hate what this place has always stood for. Since I moved to this fucking urban wasteland all I’ve felt was angry, depressed and suicidal.
I hate what this house stands for too. In this house all that’s happened was me getting yelled at, me yelling back, me crying, and me being ignored. I hate the kitchen, this is where all the fights happen, this is where all the knives that I can never use are. I hate the living room, I spent an hour there yesterday being explained exactly how I’m nothing […]
I am so so sick of being compared to my sisters. “SHE already has all her French credits, shes in grade 10!” “Look, SHE got an A on her test!” “You should be grateful that your sister is so involved in the school, it makes you look good!” just shut up.
I dont want to take all my high school courses in French, I dont have to. I get good grades, never below a B- Im a fair musician, Im a good writer, Im a fair artist, so you can shove it about how FANTASTIC my sisters are! I dont have many friends, I dont need […]
The days when you just feel like giving up. I was determined to be happy today; my all time favorite person (my grandad) is coming for a visit soon and I was excited. But I dont think the universe is ready for me to be happy yet… No, shit HAS to go down and depress me again.
My best friend in the word, my only friend really, has decided to ruin my day. See, we’re in a group to do some little skit in French class… She cant do it. She is incapable of memorizing her 4 lines and refuses to try a simpler part. Its […]
Fucking hate them. Assholes. They ***** and complain about how Im always negative and then when I decide to be positive or funny, “Jessica stop.” “Jessica Im not in the mood” “Jessica Im so stressed out” and I sigh.
20 minutes later they start bitching again about my negativity. Fuck you! Ugh. I dont wanna be here anymore. Put me in foster care, drop me off at an orphanage, push me on a relative I dont give a shit as long as Im not here.
Haha Id rather die than spend another second with all these assholes.
Whether you notice or not, my mind is always somewhere else. My mind is always in a world thats all my own, a world of beautiful girls, bloodless wars, tall blond strangers, fierce jungles and countrysides. Im always writing. In my mind or in my notebook, another chapter is always unfolding.
Slowly, my fantasies materialize on paper, and Im transported to a place where Im wanted, where people miss me when Im gone, where Im pretty, where Im smart and popular, where my only worry is if I can go to the dance next Friday.
This is my escape, my way out of the shitty world I […]
Today hasnt been any different than yesterday. I went to school and had the same “warm” greeting. ‘Jessica just go away!’ got told off twice for not having my homework, and the end of the schoolday, the same amazingly kind words. “You’re not ALLOWED to be with your friends! They all hate you anyway!” as usual, I tried to be smart and confident and brush it off, but I cant… I just cant, because that kind of stuff hurts. I dont know why I deserve that kind of treatment, to be honest.
I get home, work on the 3 different projects to be done, older sister […]
I often say to my friend “I hate people.” and she normally says back, “but youre a person! You dont hate yourself.” what she doesnt know is, I do. I hate myself. I cant stand myself, I hate who I am. I hate myself because Im fat, Im ugly, Im stupid, Im not good enough, I have acne, I cant sleep, I cant stop eating, Im pathetic, Im lazy, Im a liar, Im a *****, Im lonely, I have one friend on earth, Im not worth the time and effort that went into making me, I can go on and on forever.
You might try […]
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