I overheard my mom talking about my mental state (because it had gotten so bad at this point, that I have to come back home for a while) and at that moment I felt like such a burden. She clearly said that I was too much for her right now with her new job and her mom also being in an old peoples house. My dad never even called me when I was in the hospital for 5 days. I don’t understand why they brought me into this world if I’m just gonna be a burden to them their whole life. I didn’t want to […]
I don’t want to live, but I can’t die. I don’t want to live but I have to. How long can someone live in this state until you decide it’s the end? Do people who kill themselves do it impulsively? Can it be planned? I don’t want to plan my death, but sometimes I get intrusive thoughts (come on, jump under that bus! Or why not take all the pills you can find!), and I’m wondering if one day I’ll act on it impulsively, or if deep down, I have been planning my death since the day I was born.
Sometimes, I feel like you only reason I’m here still is because I care too fucking much about other people, especially my mom. That fucking sucks, I don’t want no one to care about me, so I could just leave this world without hurting anyone. I hate caring more about others than myself, Because then I have to stay here for them. I’m tired, i’m exhausted, Hurting myself doesn’t even do it anymore. The only thing getting me through it is the idea that an addiction to benzos is always better than death. If I’m going to stay on this world, might as well try […]