I get excited on the days I don’t want to die. It’s this light feeling. It feels like I’m at a normal level today, you know? Like maybe this is what it feels like to not be worrying about my emotions. But there’s always the fear. Because I know it will come back. This is the calm after the storm.
All alone, or in twos,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall;
Some hand in hand,
Some gathered together in bands,
The bleeding hearts and the artists
Make their stand;
And when they’ve given you their all, some stagger and fall
After all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.
– Roger Waters, The Wall
I try to remember it’s not their fault I feel bad. I shouldn’t shut out the people I love. It’s really hard to not want to hide behind the wall. But I need to be better.
The only thing stopping me from taking all this naproxen right now is how much physical pain I’ll be in.
Well obviously that’s not true. But FUCK. Just…………….shut up. There’s too much noise in my head and how the hell do you confide in people about your actual problems? I’ve never been able to understand that. How do you tell people what’s wrong? It’s completely impossible. Especially when they actually NOTICE. And then they ASK. And I just panic and say I’m fine because my instinct is to never ever say what’s wrong because telling the truth makes me a freak. A freak with a bottle […]
I am so completely exhausted by constant suicidal thoughts and fantasies. Anytime I make a little mistake, or when someone’s response to what I’ve said feels off, there’s a voice berating me, telling me, “I hate you, you’re a stupid fucking whore, go kill yourself. Go kill yourself Rachel. Go kill yourself,” over and over and over. Every day. The theory being: “Everyone remembers every little stupid thing you do and they hate you for it. You should kill yourself and make them forget how stupid you are. Don’t tell anyone, don’t ask for help. They’ll never see it coming.” I don’t think I’ll actually […]