Author

Jakeke

Why?

by Jakeke 8/27/2012

written by Jakeke

I don’t understand.

I’m employed, healthy, and I can deal with people most of the time, but I still don’t want to live. Why? I feel like I don’t even deserve to have feelings like this. That I just need to get over it. I don’t enjoy doing anything anymore. I made plenty of changes in my life, hoping that something might flip the switch and I could enjoy being me. I moved out of my parents, started making new friends, started dating guys again, got a job in the new city, and tried to stop worrying about so many things.

But I still don’t want to […]

8/27/2012 4 comments

Schizoid?

by Jakeke 2/21/2012

written by Jakeke

I’ve started this post and deleted multiple times since I first logged in. Because the truth is I read the description for schizoid personality disorder but I haven’t been diagnosed, and if I do have it, I probably won’t be diagnosed because there is no way I’m going to talk to someone about this. And no one will probably guess I feel this way because of the way I act. Nearly all the time around other people I can smile, joke, and get along just fine. I don’t feel anxious talking to people and can communicate fine, about things that don’t matter. Work, school, the […]

2/21/2012 8 comments

I’m not that strong.

by Jakeke 2/5/2012

written by Jakeke

I keep a very brave face on. I’m an easy-going person, and most people take me for what they see. Someone who is generally happy, who knows who they are and accepts everything they are as well. And for the times they see me, that’s generally true. The more people I’m around, the more confident I tend to be. The biggest problems they think I have is a lack of sleep, and I put a lot of effort into helping them think that. Someone at work messed up, a harmless mistake, and they were talking about whether I was mad or not. Everyone immediately said […]

2/5/2012 5 comments

Cutting ties.

by Jakeke 2/3/2012

written by Jakeke

I don’t know whats been going on lately. I’ve been feeling worse and worse. And it just feels like I’ve been cutting off everyone from my life even more, which I didn’t think was possible Not that I was a social butterfly to begin with, I have never invited someone over to the house and I detest parties so I don’t go to them. But lately its just been worse. I haven’t texted anyone in the last two weeks, haven’t seen or talked to anyone I call a friend in three weeks. I probably wouldn’t have said a single word if I didn’t speak to […]

2/3/2012 4 comments

Talk is cheap.

by Jakeke 1/28/2012

written by Jakeke

I do not like sharing feelings. They are very personal and I feel they belong to me, I don’t like wearing them on my sleeve for everyone else to see. In the recesses of my mind, I’m a much more critical and mean person then the one I portray for other people. Why would I tell them what I really think if all it would do is upset them or make them think less of me? And yet, every where I turn is someone or something encouraging me to share what I’m thinking. I have no problem speaking my mind with almost anyone I like […]

1/28/2012 3 comments

For them

by Jakeke 1/23/2012

written by Jakeke

I don’t want to be alive most days. I probably would have killed myself by now if I didn’t know that it would hurt too many people. Pretty much the only reason I have not attempted it yet. But I want to. I’m getting tired of wanting to. So I’m going to post this and try to move up. So I might think about it less and keep them safe from knowing that I want to die.

I am 19 years old, I go to community college and I work at a retailer to pay rent and school fees. I’m well off enough, I have savings, […]

1/23/2012 2 comments