It was so quiet when the music stopped
So empty when the bottom dropped
So somber when the dreamers lay
Down to die, their heartstrings frayed
The waking hours became too real
No dreams to conjure up their zeal
And then the night, too, ceased to give
A single dream to help them live
It withered them like winter does
But coated them with soot and rust
It caked their lungs in deathly plaque
And left their souls a ghastly black
Oh how they would have sacrificed
To find and bring their dreams to life
A hope on which their eyes to fix
Like miracles […]
So, I’m about to return to school in a few days, and I’m supposed to contact my counselor upon arrival to set up our first appointment of the semester. But I’m torn. You see, I’ve already gone way over the “limit” of visits supposed to be available to students, so I am beginning to feel like I have no right to continue going. Plus, it’s been almost a year of consistent visits, and at this point, I feel like I just talk in circles, but my level of depression remains consistent, even despite changes I make in my life. I am trying so hard, but […]
I’m just so afraid of everything in this world: of driving, of relationships, of college, of getting a job, of not being able to support myself, just of everything. And it gets worse and worse as I go, because I don’t trust that I can do it. You’ll find me ridiculous, but I have to drive for an hour and a half tomorrow, and I’m absolutely terrified. I could care less if I ended up killing myself, but what about the other person in the car or the other cars on the road? I’m so scared. I’m 21 freaking years old, and I am still […]
I can’t stand living with my mistakes, watching people that used to be a part of my life so very happy without my presence. I have never felt anything like this anguish, so piercing and breathtaking. The smiles, the laughter, the memories–all without me and better for it. In my infinite immaturity and selfishness, I want them to experience this pain, this regret, but more so, I want to die. I want to end this sorrow for which there is no other cure but my death.
It’s Christmas. It’s times like these that remind me how much I’ve changed. I used to be so gentle and soft-hearted and joyful. Christmas was my favorite. The magic of it all used to mesmerize me. Now, I’m cold and hard-hearted and cynical. Magic doesn’t exist, and life is mostly illusion. I see behind the curtain now, and I hate it. I want that child-like wonder back. I want to look at the sky and be amazed at the shade of blue instead of knowing that it’s just a reflection, just a light trick. I want to marvel at the beautiful flakes of snow and forget the cold, […]
…when the only thing keeping you going is the thought of seeing your puppy again in December. Honestly, I think I’d end it today if I could stop thinking about my loving little bundle of joy back home. Most of the time, I think she’s the only one who really loves me. But alas, I’m torn. See puppy and live another terrible 3 months or die now never seeing her again? Decisions, decisions…
I can’t fix the things I’ve broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that fact. I just want to die, so I don’t have to feel that way anymore. I can’t handle knowing that there are people in this world that hate me, no matter how I apologize, even though I didn’t really do anything so bad. Just being myself made them hate me. I want to die. I just wish I’d get killed by someone else. I don’t want to have to do it. They’re all still friends, and I’m left alone. The knife twists further and further.
I’m happier. I realize that. But there’s still this aching in my soul, knowing that I will never be understood. I’ll always be alone. Nobody has ever really wanted in on my life, and when someone finally did, they broke my heart, quite maliciously. And now, I’m smart enough to realize that if anyone ever claims to love me, it’s fake. They’re using me or wanting to hurt me or they lost a bet or something. I’ll never be really loved. I don’t deserve that at all. If you saw me, if you knew anything about me, you’d agree. And it just sucks. I don’t […]
My greatest fear is most terrifying, because I’m certain it will come true. I am so scared by the thought that I might just end up alone forever, but I even more scared to get hurt again in a relationship. Therefore, I will never try to build relationships again, and I will most definitely be alone forever. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, ya know? And I’m at this college with a bunch of really great people, but then again, I met my first love here last year, and he turned out to be fake and evil. I don’t know what to believe about […]
I got to this point where I didn’t want to die. I saw my future for the first time in years. I thought I had a future. I thought maybe I mattered, that maybe I could survive, that people liked me and I could handle relationships. I was so wrong. Here I am, in college sitting in my closet, wanting to escape again. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t have enough left in me to keep going. But I also made the mistake, in the time that I was feeling ok about myself and my life, to get attached to people again. […]
I really don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to cause any devastation. I know that I don’t see why it would hurt anyone–I’m really nothing important. But I also know that death hurts people. It just does. No matter the nature of the relationship. People who you have never spoken to in your life will cry for you. It makes no sense to me at all. Perhaps, it scares them more than it saddens them? Makes them realize that they to are set to expire some day? I don’t know. But I’m just so tired, so exhausted in every way. I […]
I have no future, and therefore, I have no choice. I don’t want to die, but I can’t stand to live and be a failure and burden.
I didn’t know that someone else was trying to upload a song, so sorry for stealing your thunder :/. It’s called Suicide Note. It’s rough, but oh well. Movin’2
I’ve been seeing a counselor, and I really want her to know that I cut. I need help, and I think she needs to know everything to be truly effective. But I don’t know how to bring it up. Any thoughts/personal experiences with this?
Stop the world, please
I want to get off
It keeps going and going
And I’ve had enough
I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Of my emancipation
Though, you have to admit
I’ve been so damn patient
But I’ve realized a circle
Is the shape of this track
I assumed there’d be progress
Yet, only find lack
If my only purpose,
Is to live as long as you see fit
Then don’t bother firing me
I’m done. I quit.
I didn’t ask for this job
And I don’t intend to see it through
You’re disappointed by that
But the fault lies in you
Some things are made broken
Impossible to mend
 Not all problems can be solved
And I’m one of them
But you knew that, right?
You’re called my creator
Made […]
I fail at everything that I attempt. I have absolutely no purpose on this planet. I try so hard, but I will never be good enough. I will never matter. I hate knowing that suicide is inevitable, and I hate having to choose when to hurt people I love. Because it’s only a matter of time. Not this week, because it’s my roommate’s birthday. Not until after mother’s day at least. It seems so long to wait when you feel like I do though. I wish I had nothing keeping me here anymore.
Just letting you that care know that I’m still here. Just been in a weird place lately and haven’t had much to say. Love you all <3
Man, I don’t even know what I feel right now. I just feel so numb, so lost, so indifferent. I think indifference is even more unbearable than anger or sadness. I just want to feel again. I want things to matter. But nothing ever does. I just want the nothingness that is my existence to end. I need rest. I’m so very tired.
And people wonder why we would want out of this world. A bombing at the Boston Marathon? Really? Why do these tragedies keep happening? How is everyone else so well-adjusted? How can you look at all this horror and violence and not weep for humanity? It disgusts me that I live in such a place, that I am called a member of this species. It isn’t selfish to commit suicide. It’s smart. Do people not realize it’s only getting worse? We can try everything to make this planet livable, but it doesn’t work. I hate it here. Suffering and pain just shouldn’t exist, and I can’t […]
I have no future. No hope of ever seeing my dreams become reality. I’m living in this world of nothingness, knowing it will never be more than nothing. I will never be loved, and even if I am, I could never really believe it, because I could never love myself. I will never be accepted, because I am dark, and people prefer light. I will never be beautiful or thin. I will never have talent or success. I will never be good enough for myself or anyone else. The pain of my past and present make me ache beyond what I can handle. Nobody hears […]
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