Never enough rest

I really don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to cause any devastation. I know that I don’t see why it would hurt anyone–I’m really nothing important. But I also know that death hurts people. It just does. No matter the nature of the relationship. People who you have never spoken to in your life will cry for you. It makes no sense to me at all. Perhaps, it scares them more than it saddens them? Makes them realize that they to are set to expire some day? I don’t know. But I’m just so tired, so exhausted in every way. I don’t see a future for myself. I’m in college, but I don’t know that I’ll ever get my degree let alone do something with it. I’m too scarred by my life experiences thus far to ever trust another person. I used to trust God (I still love God), but I’m too afraid now. I don’t want a romance. I’m almost completely over friendships as well. I just can’t get too attached, because there’s this ticking clock that reminds me that suicide is my fate. It has been all along. I want to push away everyone in my life and destroy myself, so that there’s nothing holding me back. But I don’t want to be remembered that way. I will be remembered despite my desire to be forgotten, so I want to be remembered for any good that I did. There might not be any, but I’d rather not give them anymore bad to remember. They want to be close to me. There’s so much I wish I could tell people about how I feel, but I don’t want them to feel like they didn’t do enough once I’m gone. If they’re oblivious, it’ll at least be harder for them to blame themselves. Would it matter anyway? Is there anything they can do? They can’t make me a worthwhile person, and they can’t convince me that I already am. Why bother? Plus, I can’t tell them I’m suicidal, because I feel like they’d watch me and scrutinize my every move. I want the option to remain open. I just don’t know what to do. Life is so worthless, and I’m so tired. I need to rest. I can never get enough rest here.