I still have no idea what her name was. She never told me her name. I never told her my name. How did I enter a month long relationship and I didn’t even think of asking her what her name was or telling her my name a single time? It doesn’t seem like something normal to me. I’ve never heard of any relationship like that.
I have tried for what feels like an extremely long time to keep my delusions from consuming me. I remove one way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove yet another way to cope, and then I’m back at the beginning. My bad habits hungrily chasing after me. My delusions of paranoia, superiority, the feeling that I NEED to be isolated, I try so fucking hard not to give in to them. But then, when I don’t… Am I really me? I woke up with sleep paralysis today, I guess. There was a person standing just […]
I don’t understand. I thought that I wouldn’t need to use this again but here I am. Again. At 11:50 am on a Saturday. Usually I just do these things at night. It’s getting harder to not want to cut myself. I started realizing recently that it’s just a coping mechanism just like porn, and they are interchangeable. Would I rather permanently damage my skin or permanently damage my brain? I think my skin is the better option. I never wanted to look good. I always thought that it was so unfair that just because of my appearance I was treated differently than others. It […]
I was thinking today about something while I was outside walking my dog. I was getting really angry, mainly at my parents, like I usually do, and I was thinking like, why the fuck do they want to control me I don’t want them to control me I am my own fucking person but at the same time like, they always give me correct advice, so just to be fucking petty I do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do so that’s probably why I’ve been feeling like shit. But eh, I’ve realized now that if I stop giving a fuck about […]
My parents are punishing me again. They tell me I need to be more responsible. Took my computer away from me. I honestly don’t care that much about my computer. It’s just that the demands they set for me are ridiculous. They want me to get out of bed before nine every morning, eat breakfast, and exercise at least one time every day. It’s such a pain in the ass. My parents literally can’t stand me and it shows. So what if I’m lazy and I don’t have any ambitions and I don’t care about anything. It’s not like that’s a problem. Why would I […]
The onky thing I have that confirms that I’m still alive is physical pain. Honestly… didn’t I already die? Why can I still move
Everyone just laughs at me. Any attempt I make at anything is just laughable. Why should I even try? I’m tired of trying. I’ll never be enough. Not for me. Not for anyone else.
My mother tells me I need to help her out more. I can’t even get out of bed and she expects me to take out the trash and walk the dog. I think my mother hates me. I think everyone hates me. The only person that I’ve ever met […]
I told her every day how hard it was for me to trust her. Every single day. I trusted her so little. Not because I didn’t want to trust her, but because I’m fucking paranoid. I told her everyday how hard it was. Every day. Every day until she. Every day until. Every. She left me. It’s been 6 days now. Almost a whole week. It hurts so much, and I want to cry, but… I can’t cry. I just can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t I ca n t… I don’t have any words to say. I loved her so much. More than […]
I don’t know how to start this really. I’m not sure if I’m even in the right place. I read some posts before making this one and well. It made me feel like my feelings were not really valid. I don’t know. I guess I just want to write down why I want to kill myself just for me and not really for anyone else, just to release it I guess. I don’t really trust the people I know irl, and I don’t trust my therapist either, I just tell them that I’m always tired and I can never concentrate on anything. Recently I’ve been […]
Older Posts