Author

medge

Born the middle child of seven, ended up the eldest by the age of four, because four children died. Parents both admitted for depression, and neither able to parent the way I needed. Emotionally independent by the age of seven to nine? No memory of parents even touching me, let alone cuddling or nurturing me. Now 61, am getting weaker and suicide thoughts over many years, now coming to the front of mind. Not violently, but calmly, measured. Am so weak, so tired, cannot fight anymore. And you have to fight, against a wicked landlady who has decided she does not like to cut of your gib.

Wish I could eat, sleep

by medge 9/17/2015

written by medge

Cannot eat, knotted stomach, then I gorge tasteless food because hungry, and throw up.

Sleep for 2.5 hours, and wake bolt-upright in panic, and three tracks of racing thoughts mean cannot sleep again until so tired I nod-off sitting up. Wake up exhausted.

Cannot exhaust mind and body like used to, since broke leg nearly three years ago. Don’t walk comfortably anymore.

Cannot go swimming because hate the look of self.

Not enough energy to exercise because cannot eat.

Round and around it goes.

Escaping the cycle, getting off the merry-go-round, a favorite choice for thoughts. Seeking peace and quiet, that cannot find anymore in this life.

9/17/2015 3 comments

Getting Weaker, less able to stay safe.

by medge 9/16/2015

written by medge

It’s not the thoughts of suicide that are getting stronger. Not that. But my ability to stay safe that is getting weaker. No proper sleep for months, no proper food for weeks, random and variable support in fighting this landlady who is evicting me. We are to be homeless again, and I am getting weaker and weaker, trying to fight it. Running out of hope. Running out of options. As winter approaches fast, we are faced with sleeping in the car, again. In this life 21st century life, you have to have money to get folk to listen and support. Solicitors, surveyors, anyone. They all […]

9/16/2015 7 comments