Woke up this morning with that knot in my stomach again. That basically means today’s gonna be utter crap. Been thinking more and more about my end of life, starting to become a more attractive option. Part of me wants to just sleep and not have to wake up again, and another part wants to try and fight these feelings. The latter part is fading more and more each day.
Hasn’t felt like Christmas today at all, haven’t felt that so-called Christmas spirit throughout the run up to today at all this year. Seen so many photos of other people being happy today, and it just deflates me even more. Had messages from a few people saying “hope you’ve had a good Christmas” but ended up just ignoring and not replying cos there’s no way of really explaining to them how I’m really feeling. Feels like crap like any other day. Will be the same tomorrow. Wake up, feel like crap for the whole day, go to sleep, repeat. What a great life.
20 years old and desperately trying to find a reason to live. Problems in the family have led to me feeling like shit for the last 3 years and I haven’t been able to shake off the feelings of depression and uselessness that I started having when everything started happening. Countless days have been spent putting myself in isolation in order for me not to try affect other people’s lives, and trying to find the energy to sometimes go out and do things is one of the hardest things to try and do. Things started getting even worse about 3 months ago, and I’ve been rapidly declining since. I’ve had a few days where I’ve been able to genuinely smile thanks to one friend who I was able to reconnect with over the summer, but otherwise I’ve constantly been feeling extremely empty and had a constant feeling of having a knot in my stomach. The friend who I’ve reconnected with has been incredible in trying to make sure that I’m okay and he will do his best to keep my spirits up, and one of the reasons nothing has happened to me is because I don’t want to let him down. I’ve never self harmed because I’ve always had the view for myself that if I felt that way I would skip that step completely. Just reached the point in the last week where I really don’t know how much longer I can keep going for. In the last month, I finally had an idea of a career I want to have in the future and I keep trying to focus on that, but sadly my thoughts will wander and my mental state will start to decline. Sometimes I see how other people are happy, whether they are random people, my best friend or my family, and for that moment in time I end up having a genuine feeling of hatred towards them for being happy. I know I shouldn’t feel like that cos I should be happy for the people closest to me if they are happy, but I can’t help it. I then put that hatred back on myself and I spiral even further downwards. Just don’t know what to do anymore.