I am still here.Same old me,same old sadness that takes away every atom of my energy,same old mind that tells me i am worthless ,same old mirror that shows me all my flaws .Scale still defines me ,every bite tastes like misery cos it screams :”FAT!” . I am still here and i have no f clue whats going on.
I cannot take it anymore .Whenever i close my eyes, at any time of day/night ,i see all these horrifying pictures of blood and violence on myself.Im haunted by monstrous bloody images of flesh and death.It lasts for approximately week or two, non-stop ,i hardly sleep more than 4 hours a night then.When it passes ,i always get painfully numb.It goes round and round. I cannot do this anymore,i need to cut,i need to die,i don’t deserve to be here i shouldn’t be here.Sorry im so weak i need to write it here instead of just finishing with that agony.I can’t kill myself because it […]
It got to the point where not even a bottle of vodka can get me to talk to my friends about my problems.I feel so damn alone,shut and distant from everyone .There are days i feel bad,angry with myself for still being alive and yet most of the time i feel nothing at all,the numb feeling took over my whole self.
Im sorry for writing this,i just had to .I know many of you have bigger problems than me and im here whining.Sorry.I hope it gets better for you.
Wow,who would have thought that i would survive.I can’t believe im still here.Somehow,time flies and i just got used to the fact that I have to live because my death would only bring problems to others.So i am here,alive some would say.I don’t know how to feel about it,but everyone should try .Maybe in a year or two something changes.Give it a try,give a chance to yourself.And if anyone needs to talk im here,no matter when.
I am on seaside with my family.Only my mom saw my cuts on legs and arms but she didnt tell father,i told her not to.Because i promised her that i stopped self harm.And i did stop but the will is still here.I ignore it.I have bf ,and fisrt time in life i think love does exist.I love him,he loves me,our love is strong,he keeps me alive,he is giving me reason to live .He kisses scars on my skin,he try really hard to help me.
But today i snapped.I just broke.I run to the sea ,jump in in,and tried to drown myself .Nobody was watching,i could do […]
I just can do this any longer.Had enough of everything.Can somebody kill me?Because if i try to do that on my own ,i will fail again,because thats what i am.FAILURE.
And then,you realise,you are all alone.Friends,family,people around you..No.Its all an illusion.I am alone.Alone here and alone in world.Alone in my heart and alone in my mind.Alone everywhere,all the time,for as long as i can remember.Alone with my family,alone with my friends,alone in room full of people.Alone when i wake up,alone trough each awful day,alone when i finally meet the blackness.Im alone in my horror.Alone in my horror.I dont want to be alone.I have never wanted.I fucking hate it.But it is what it is.
Everybody leaves.Dont lie to yourself.People go.And all of them pretend to care for you.Maybe they do care,but only currently,only because of circumstances.They […]
I ..I just dont know why do i keep doing this to myself? My cutting addiction was nearly nonexistent.And then ,it got worse.I dont know how or why.It just did and i havent seem to notice that. I now do that even when im fine.It became somthing i do unconsciously, mechanically.
I want it to stop.I want ME TO STOP DOING THAT TO MYSELF.
But i cant.
Every time I decide to throw away razors, I change my mind in the last second and save them.
Like i mentioned,i was good.I took it nearly to the end,all of my scars began to fade.
I destroyed everything.Im […]
I didnt do it.
Didnt jump.
I was stopped.
Why ?? Why people think they can force others to live?That they can decide whether im going to  live or not?I wanted to jump.Backwards.Just to let myself.But no.And just when i got courage to finally do that,there comes them to tell me that i have to live and that it will get better.It wont!I dont know what to do any more.
Im weak,weak person,i cant do nothing right!Im just depressed all of the time and yet i cant do it.All i see is darkness.I started to get this numb feeling too.I dont care if i wake up tomorrow.I dont care if i die today.It will be much better if i do die,but im not that lucky.I stopped trying.IÂ just want to stop existing.Everything was too painful.But then i got numb.I dont know whats better.Im sorry for this stupid post,but i had to let it out,i guess.