no_more_chances

no_more_chances

ive lived a life being the son they always wanted but turned out all wrong. ive never been treated good mentally to the pooint where i cant even say a good thing about myself thats even small. through a recent relationship failing i learned alot more negatives about myself. im not like mentall retarded but im pretty slow at realizing stuff that appears to be simple. n im just a mentally messed up person i even told a girl i liked to not like me anymore because of my problems. theirs a serial killer named... chalres whitman i think. hes grew up talented n all this good stuff but murders n all that aside one thing about i relate to. in his suicide note he mentioned how he couldnt handle the negative thoughts anymore. i dont their the same as me but i to deal with a relentless assualt of negative thinking that overwells me n i didnt live a good talented life like this guy. he had people that loved him and he was successful. me on the other hand fail at everything. im almost 21 and cant find a job even though i have certifications. i cant even get my drivers licence when my instructor thought itd be a sure thing. i always failed no matter what. even if i was better i failed. even if i had the proper motivation i failed. i recently came back home from the job corps program (a trade school) completed in my trade. i graduated in 7 months when i was suppose to in 11-12 months. why did i graduate ealy? cause my gf (girlfriend) the reason i came down there (it was in another state and i live in alaska) broke up with me. i didnt want to do the trade i came for because this job corps was the closest one to her. i enjoyed it because it was something i was prepared to do for my life so i can provide a good life for her. i wanted only the best for her. she was and in some way still is my world. the break up ruined me. to the point i was gonna leave. take a bus n walk on the streets to find a nice spot to kill myself. but a day before the planned attempt i had a talk with my consulor (sorry im not a good speller) n we thought itd be a shame to leave at 77% complete. keep in mind she knows nothing of my plan. so anyways we decided to get me to graduate the folling month on the 30th then we ended up bumping it down the the 21st then the 19th. why? because i ended up on suicide watch. they thought itd be a danger to myself to keep me their longer so i completed early cause im mentally weak. so my one success has been tainted. now im back home in the place i hate most. i dont like the state. i dont like the cold. i dont like the people. i dont like my old man. i dont like my "friends". i dont even enjoy the only thing that makes me happy anymore in martial arts! in fact i have my debut fight in a few days. either on that night or early the next day i plan to end my life. i will finally make everyone happy. i cant live this life anymore. the depression n negatives are too much for a weak minded person like me to handle