i think its that time

Well i think its time for me to actually do it. this isnt one of those crys for help. at this point its a done deal. ive always stayed alive despite always being depressed cause i had joys but they no longer make me happy and most importantly hope. but recently found out do to the way i am i ruined what last little bit of hope i had left. ive been doing that for years. so theres no reason to stay anymore. me being scared to pull the trigger wont stop me this time. ive got absolutely nothing now. ive created my own hell. i made my life this creepy because im stupid. i dont listen to the right things. im slow so i dont realize things fast enough. when i do improve its a snail pace and no one wants to wait forever. sometimes i feel like my life has been lived just so i can kill myself. at this point im think im beyond depressed. im down riight ashamed of myself. i have tattoos on my back a chinese symbol on the four corners of my back. words that meant something to me but no long do: happiness which i no longer have (though didnt have much to sstart with), soulmate which apprently i dont have, passion like happiness its no longer there. i use to long martial arts! it along with a special girl was changing my life n making me a better person is now gone to. ive tried for the past couple months but ive only gotten worse. and last one is straightedge which meansim drug and alcohol free. that will change. tomarrow i experiment. like i said above about me being scared to pull the trigger. i know when your drunk it gives you courage i guess you can say. you do and say stuff you normally wouldnt not to mention its a depressent so hopefully making me feel worse and being ashamed of myself completely i have the nerve to pull it. its a powerful gun so i know itll get the job done n the trigger is very sensitive so im sure itll kill me right then. no surviving. im sure ill get responces to tell me to not do this n i appreciate it. you guys are good people but if you believe in destiny this is mine. i was meant to be a statistic. just like no everyone was meant to have that dream job of being a movie star or something not everyone was meant to have a happy life and i dont wann make light of the crap i have. of the person i am. change no longer will change anything. it was made painfully clear. heck this could be good. use my story to help others somehow. im not religous so i dont care how you talk of me after death. say lies if it makes my story helpful. maybe my death will save another? least thats a good thing. one worthless life for a few good ones