Author

ongaku

a long way

by ongaku 12/26/2014

written by ongaku

It appears I’ve come a long way from the post I made in March of this year.

I had broken up with my girlfriend because my family was vehemently against me seeing her. She was a friend-with-benefits of my brother, and they weren’t talking anymore because she felt he wasn’t really interested in being “friends” or having benefits anymore. There was tension, but I had grown to like her very much as I got to know her in the peripheral of their growing apart. My brother and mother were merely disappointed and worried at first, letting me be a grown man and making a choice. But […]

12/26/2014 2 comments

Get in my heart

by ongaku 3/16/2014

written by ongaku

Depression is not a heavy dissatisfaction with life. It is not a physiological cry for help. It is not an extreme form of sadness. Depression is the result of losing a beloved aspect of one’s life. Whether it’s one’s loved one, or a prized possession, or a concept… the loss of that which is loved causes the depression.

Our identities only fully exist in the hearts of those who care for us. We exist in our own bodies, but who we are is what we place in the consciousnesses of our dearest friends and family. Losing someone that important–or even losing something that important–feels like […]

3/16/2014 10 comments

fatigue

by ongaku 3/12/2014

written by ongaku

I’m so tired of this nonsense. I can’t stop this school from wearing me down. I’m not even a full teacher in this place. I have to get out of here.

I’m exhausted. But life is far more difficult than this for so many other people. I can’t stand the simple problems of my life because I am not well.

I am watching avideo about the famine in Malawi in the last decade. The emaciated, the sun-baked, the hopeless…

People let the prices of seed and fertilizer go sky high, and the farmers couldn’t grow anything.

I’d have died as a child there.

Perhaps, that is best. People like me […]

3/12/2014 0 comment

strengths

by ongaku 3/11/2014

written by ongaku

I don’t believe that I lack all strength. I just don’t have enough to do anything with my opportunities. I don’t want to wake up, and I don’t want to look for jobs, and I don’t want to get a new job or keep mine. I don’t want to go outside. I don’t want to talk to people, even family. I don’t want to get a paycheck. I don’t want to have a home. I don’t want to call this nice young lady I’m dating. I don’t want to go to dinner tonight. I don’t want to act or play music or teach or be […]

3/11/2014 13 comments

I watch people soldier on

by ongaku 3/10/2014

written by ongaku

I marvel at those who wake up and say amazing positive stuff on Facebook. It’s usually a lot of gratefulness “for caring about and accepting who I am today,” or it’s all “humans try…only God perfects,” or getting “my Sunday nap on before my workout,” or something. There’s always a coping strategy–a self-care tool.

Music was that for me. As a teen, especially. But as I got older, music became a chore and a job, so I couldn’t really feel good after doing it. Anything I try to do to rejuvenate myself just feels like a temporary escape, and it makes it all the more […]

3/10/2014 13 comments

are some people worthless?

by ongaku 3/8/2014

written by ongaku

To be perfectly honest, if I had only one more day to live, I would spend it playing my keyboard, shutting the windows, and falling asleep. I have no ambition or inspiration to bring my music to the public. I have no desire to seek out anything that will help me to live. So I wonder… are some people just worthless? Are there people who, no matter what they learn and acquire, they just drag themselves into the general population and take up space? I don’t want to live out there. I don’t want to try. Maybe I’m one of those people.

At least that’s how […]

3/8/2014 15 comments