Depression is not a heavy dissatisfaction with life. It is not a physiological cry for help. It is not an extreme form of sadness. Depression is the result of losing a beloved aspect of one’s life. Whether it’s one’s loved one, or a prized possession, or a concept… the loss of that which is loved causes the depression.
Our identities only fully exist in the hearts of those who care for us. We exist in our own bodies, but who we are is what we place in the consciousnesses of our dearest friends and family. Losing someone that important–or even losing something that important–feels like part of one’s heart is atrophying, and healing can only happen when someone else offers to share his/her heart, almost like a transplant.
That’s why we have therapists. They aren’t there to talk depressed people out of suicide. They know that doesn’t work. They have a dying chunk of their heart, and there is only one way to stop it from spreading. The therapist gives the client the chance to trust and control a caring, empathetic relationship that is safe and will not end unless the client wishes it. The therapist demonstrates that the emotions of the client affect him/her in a safe way, and the client reacts to the attention. Back and forth this goes until the therapist, like so many other people who care for the client, becomes a part of the client’s heart.
You might think, “Why am I not good enough to have a friend? a lover? a spouse? a family? a job? a community?” But that’s the thing about real caring–about real love. You can’t earn love by being good. You receive it by being yourself. And if you have nothing but bigoted, prejudiced, or ignorant people around you, they will not fully let you in their heart regardless of what you do. They will love your actions, not you. Go find a counselor. That’s why they’re there.
You are going to think I am lying, but here goes…
There is a piece of you that still wants to stay here.
If you are upset… if you are angry… if you are in pain… if you are confused… if you are disgusted with the world… if you are lost… if you doubt yourself… if you worry about the past, present, and/or future…
…it means that piece of you wants something to change, otherwise it would just wait for death to come when it does.
That piece is what is left of your heart. The rest of your heart may be decayed and neglected, but not that part. That part is made of the people who, no matter where they are in the world, always wished there were more people like you out there. Maybe it’s a relative. Or a childhood friend. Or a classmate you haven’t talked to in years. Or an old teacher. Or a coworker.
Yeah, I know. “If they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t want more of me in the world. No one would love a person like that.” Why? Because we think dark, angry, or freaky secret thoughts? Because we secretly hurt ourselves, or had an eating disorder, or binge? Because we’ve done things we’re ashamed of? Because we want to do things that others don’t accept or want to understand?
Think of the nastiest, ugliest, or most frustrating reason that makes you feel unlovable. Think about it for about 15 sec.
…
What emotions did you have? Did someone or something make you this way? Were you born this way?
We cannot be hated–at least by a sane, logical person–for an emotion, a stressful situation, or something we were born with. Some may hate our actions in response to those things, and sometimes they have a right to an apology from us. But they have no reason to hate us for it. Maybe they just don’t understand. That’s OK. We just don’t live in a part of their hearts, that’s all. It’s no one’s fault. But you don’t know whether or not you can’t be in any peer’s, friend’s, or family member’s heart. Even if you can’t be,…again…,that’s what counselors are for.
If nothing else, if you can’t afford a counselor, or you just don’t know what to do with yourself… You have room in my heart. I may not be your friend, your lover, your spouse, your family, your employer, or your neighbor, but I don’t have to be, and neither do you. You don’t have to be amazing to be cared about. You have to be you to fit in my heart.
And you can’t be you if you aren’t here.
10 comments
I like this. I have lost so much in my life. I will be going into my thirties having only two elderly grandparents to call family. The rest I had to escape from and leave behind. The most vile of humans these people. Dangerous. You don’t have words (if you have any sense) you leave; which is what I did.
I lost my mother to suicide when I was thirteen. I miss her so much the missing haunts me sometimes all the time. The pain of losing her never stops. I don’t know what keeps me going; I honestly don’t have much to live for. It hurts. I find suicide a but gruesome. Believe me, I’ve tried. The attempt just caused more problems. So, as much as I hate it, I’m trying to commit to seeing life out.
I hate losing people I love and it happens so frequently to me whether it be an uninterested lover or friend or an addicted or suicidal parent.
It is the fact that your losses have been irreconcilable–that leads to depression. How painful it must have been to know that no longer can such a large part of your heart by nurtured by her anymore. And at such a young age. And by her own choice… Your strength to endure a life with that pain inside is so admirable.
It may very well be that only a few people truly live in our heart–truly care about us and wish us to go on. But I guess they make up the part of our heart that won’t let go of this life.
The people who say, “Get over it,” or “Time heals,” don’t really understand. It doesn’t stop hurting until we have enough love from new people in our lives to really accept the loss. It doesn’t have to substitute the lost loved one; it just fills the void, and when we lose others, the void will be filled again throughout life.
Thank you again. Much respect.
And that’s the 64,000 dollar question. What-am-I?
You are part of the warmth and strength within the hearts of everyone you’ve loved. Your identity is held in those who you wish to see survive and thrive in this world.
Your views on depression are quite peculiar. Loss of loved ones or possessions will cause grief and disappointment. Not depression. The ability to move on and find happiness is a healthy part of nature. Letting sadness linger, no matter what the cause, is a disorder called depression.
Try not to confuse the two.
I must clarify. I do think depression comes out of the loss of loved ones or things, but I do not mean that all loss creates depression. Yes, you can overcome and move on with most things. But it’s the unfinished business–the inability to reconcile certain losses–that causes the depression.
Lingering grief or sadness isn’t necessarily depression, though. That becomes depression if nothing seems to fill that particular void in one’s heart. Such is the case with a dead parent, whose identity is so formative within a child’s heart that he/she may take a long time to accumulate enough of a support group around him/her for progress to occur, depending on the age of the child. But if my mom dies peacefully at the age of 90, for instance, I will have amassed in my heart so much of her identity and those of others by the age of 65 that her passing would not cause major depressive disorder, but a lingering sadness that eventually will be replaced with a grieving process. That’s because my mom would only serve a few empowering, nurturing roles by that point, and such kindness can be done by others in my family (not that they will be a new “mom” or anything. Just that they will help me through.)
I really really love this. It’s so true. I think people could really benefit from professional help. There are some people though, like me, that really don’t like professional help. But I love the message you are displaying. That if you leave this world, how will anyone get to know you? And I mean the real you. That’s just a thought that sums everything up. I thank you for your wonderful way with words.
I understand. I am a licensed counselor, and they told all of us that we should get counseling ourselves. I wasn’t comfortable… Aren’t counselors just going to tell me what I’ve already learned?
I didn’t realize that there was so much hurt in me. I just “learned to live with it” until it became a decayed part of me that weighed me down. No one else really had the time or energy to fill the void caused by divorce, leaving a job behind, a disappointing extended family, and so much else. I needed someone outside of all the pain to put warmth and caring back inside me.
They can be expensive, and some just can’t build a good rapport with certain people. But most can slide their rates, and almost all of them can be ethical and helpful.
I understand. I am a licensed counselor, and they told all of us that we should get counseling ourselves. I wasn’t comfortable… Aren’t counselors just going to tell me what I’ve already learned?
I didn’t realize that there was so much hurt in me. I just “learned to live with it” until it became a decayed part of me that weighed me down. No one else really had the time or energy to fill the void caused by divorce, leaving a job behind, a disappointing extended family, and so much else. I needed someone outside of all the pain to put warmth and caring back inside me.
They can be expensive, and some just can’t build a good rapport with certain people. But most can slide their rates, and almost all of them can be ethical and helpful.
I understand. I am a licensed counselor, and they told all of us that we should get counseling ourselves. I wasn’t comfortable… Aren’t counselors just going to tell me what I’ve already learned?
I didn’t realize that there was so much hurt in me. I just “learned to live with it” until it became a decayed part of me that weighed me down. No one else really had the time or energy to fill the void caused by divorce, leaving a job behind, a disappointing extended family, and so much else. I needed someone outside of all the pain to put warmth and caring back inside me.
They can be expensive, and some just can’t build a good rapport with certain people. But most can slide their rates, and almost all of them can be ethical and helpful.