orangish

As requested on my other posty thing of randomness, here are some garden-shots:

Miaow.

Well, I did have to random it up a bit. 😛

If anyone I know away from the computer sees this post, meh. Not like it really matters at this point in my life.

I am weird. I like taking my laptop outside and browsing the internet from my garden. I have four cats and I can describe their mannerisms and personalities with enough detail to fill a novella. I collect miscellaneous original artwork that I purchase at thrift shops. I am a romantic who can design and implement server platforms, and I know my way around *NIX systems. I like to fiddle with Gentoo Linux. I have a fiddle, and I like to play it. I also like to make tobacco pipes out of wood I collect while wandering in the middle of nowhere. I enjoy basket […]

“Happiness is not a reward; it is a consequence. Suffering is not a punishment; it is a result.”
~Robert Green Ingersoll

This is just a tangent of my thoughts about some stuff I recently read; it’s not a formal argument, not a concise scientific treatise on the topic, nor is it meant as authoritative in any way. I’m just a weird guy and I have weird thoughts, so here’s a bit of them for your reading pleasure or displeasure. I apologize if I give you migraines.

The world is a really weird place sometimes.

So, after a long stint of casual reading, I came across some articles on the rapid explosion of mental illness in Micronesia. Of course, it’s mostly conjecture – I don’t think there’s a lot […]

Society makes it a priority to embed itself into the youth through the school system, through television, through the popular media. Shaping perception, establishing a conflation between ‘need’ and ‘want.’ Ensuring you and I spend our entire lives trying to keep up with the Jones.

The trouble is, if you drop out of the race, because you realize there’s no point in it, you begin to hate yourself. You hate your body. You hate your voice. You hate your face. You hate the things about you that are different than the Jones.

Fuck the goddamn Jones.

And fuck society.

You are society.

The Jones […]

I am lost under the weight of my own insignificance and impotence (not sexually speaking, mind you).

Life is some kind of joke.

I am the punchline.

I don’t know how to open up to people. It leads to unremitting anger, directed at myself.

If you know how to open up to others, but don’t feel comfortable doing it, make yourself do it anyway. Get comfortable with it. Push through it.

Otherwise, you’ll end up like me.

You don’t want that.

It’s amazing how little a single life matters.

The more people you encounter on a daily basis, the less value a single life will have. It’s desensitization. It happens to everyone from time to time. Such is also true with emotions; the more you feel a single emotion, the less significant it becomes. Depression is like that, too. It becomes normal, and you can take it for granted. You can achieve all your hopes and dreams, and find no joy in having done it because all you know is a sinking despair.

It’s easy to give in to that, to assume your emotions are you. […]

My days are never good, and never bad; at least not in and of themselves, as objective events. They’re only good or bad based on how I’m feeling, and how I perceive things at a given moment. What is bad can become good, granted a certain outlook.

But emotions are absurd. It’s like flying a plane without any detailed instrumentation — you never know when you’re going to hit turbulence because you can’t always see the wind.

I don’t know what the point of living is.
What aspirations I have are hopelessly out of reach.
I might be able to make progress towards them, but I’ll never get there.
I will be alone for the remainder of my life.
Mostly by my own choice.
I have nothing to offer anyone.
At best, I’m wasting time until the end.
Whenever that may be.
It always comes down to self-worth, doesn’t it?
Romance, significant others, employment, domestic life.
It’s all about self-perception, and worth.
I’m looking at another ten years to get back on my feet, at least.
That’s a long time.
I don’t […]

Have you ever wondered whether your perception of reality isn’t distorted?

I have a problem. I get belligerent for no conceivable reason; rebellious for the sake of being rebellious. It’s impulsive. Reactive. I notice when it happens, but usually moments after the damage has been done. It’s frustration, pent up over time and undirected.

I’ve taken some time to reflect on it, and I need to curb it – put space between incitation and reaction.

This same tendency carries out into how I think; I have a hostile streak towards higher education, for instance, because I see the financial aid system as a scam to […]

Well, I am.

I’m also very smart.

But mostly, I’m an idiot.

One of my biggest problems right now is that I don’t think anyone might like me once they get to know me, which is not so much about other people as it is my own self-perception. I already dislike myself; I dislike how I react (feel) to social situations, and I dislike the fact that I feel as if I have no ability to change that.

I dislike how sensitive I’ve grown over absolutely everything. I don’t know how I got this way, but I really don’t know how I could undo what’s already […]

How does a person get rid of their social drive? That longing for companionship?

It’s kind of like sex drive. I’d like to kill that off, too.