The Not-Goth

The 7th year anniversary of the day I committed my crimes recently passed, so I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately. I did kind of a stupid thing and read the news stories that they wrote about it. Its funny how people remember the same event differently.

Here’s what happened: One night, I was suicidal and homicidal at the same time. Was drinking and abusing  Adderall simultaneously. Didn’t sleep at all that night. And somewhere along the line, I decided to kill myself. But I was angry at some classmates for calling me a ****** all the time and antagonizing me to no end (me […]

Im not enjoying my life. Maybe I want too much, or expect too much.

Do you have a diagnosis? If so, what is it/are they?

School is humbling me. Ive very quickly discovered that im not as intelligent as I thought I was. I have good grades, for now. But this one class Im taking is just so, so difficult. I dont believe ill be passing with an A, maybe not even a B. The lowest I coukd get in this class is a 77. I have an 92 right now, but god, this class has been taking a lot out of me mentally. My motivation just isnt there, and its likely my grade will drop in the coming weeks.

Have any of you made it into 4 year univerisities with […]

I think something is wrong with me. I think I have problems feeling other people’s emotions. For example, when I’m in a group of people and someone says something that everyone else laugh at, I dont feel whatever it was that caused everyone to laugh in the first place. I can understand that I should be laughing myself, and sometimes I fake it. But I just dont feel the laughing trigger like everyone else. It’s like this with other things too. There have been times people have gotten mad at me for “not thinking about them”. I wonder if I have empathy problems somehow. It […]

I’m going to college, and it feels good to finally be making something of myself, but looking at my much younger classmates makes me realize just how much time I’ve wasted just sitting around wishing I was dead. Id regret dying without at least seeing this through, so im not giving up. But damn. I couldve done this when I was fresh outta high school at 18. The truth is, I was afraid of college, snd felt unprepared, and had no clue what I wanted with my life bc I spent so much of my time in this endless cycle of wanting my life to […]

The title says it all. There’s something interesting about everybody. Id like to know what, in your opinion, is the most interesting thing about you. Tell me about a skill, a hobby, a struggle you overcome, a place you’ve been to…anything.

Something about me (sort of): There are people in my family who claim to have been abducted by aliens. These people dont have a history of mental health issues, and are very successful in their lives.

I dont mean to give toxic positivity. Im only trying to help those who want the help. I can only contribute what has worked for myself. Thoughts and realizations that worked for me. Take what follows from this point on with a grain of salt, but also, if you choose to continue to read, give it a fair chance to make impact.

Some people say, “I want to kill myself, but Im too afraid to go through with it all. So I do nothing, and suffer.” But we only get so many days in a life. The people who say this ARE killing themselves. […]

Today is the day when I finally get all of my bad prison tattoos covered-up! Its taken years, and ive had to save up a ton of money for it. But its something I had to do for myself. Im going to feel SOOOO much better about myself after the day is done! Excited.

But I mention this here because I havent been any different from the rest of you. I was a drunken pessimist that had given up on life and the world. It turned out, climbing out of the hole is possible, although difficult. It isnt my intention to ever insert toxic positivity into […]

It’s amazing to me just how much alcohol/weed/other drugs effects your mental and emotional states. Even when you dont currently have a buzz, it is effecting you. I hadnt even realized it.

But I have spent the entire summer so far 100% sober off of everything. The money I used to spend buying alcohol, I saved that up, and now I have an appointment on the 26th of this month to get all of my prison tattoos covered up. I have lost 30 lbs since mid May, when I quit drinking and getting high. Im doing better in school. I spend my free time exercizing, or […]

This will not be useful for everyone, nor do i mean to insert any sort of toxic positivity into this place. I simply wish to share the things that are helping me and are useful to me. I dont know what the answers are, but im finding my own answer, and if this happens to be other people’s answer too, then I feel it would be only right to share it so as to bring long awaited healing to some.

Meditation is simple, and has been helping me a lot. That, and gratitude lists. Every morning, I meditate, and every evening I do another meditation. After, […]

Ive been doing my best to stay in the present moment. To have gratitude for simpler things. I notice that when I suffer, most of the time its because my expectations are too high. I want control over something largely uncontrollable. The acceptance or praise of others. Status. Success. Im trying to walk along more realistic and less selfish paths. More spiritual. I walked in the woods today. The bugs were buzzing, vines were spiraling up the trees, beavers were running about, and the warmth of summer was carried on a gentle breeze. It was half an hour, but it was simple & sacred. That […]

Im grateful I get to sleep in a bed tonight. Im grateful to have seen a baseball game in person. Im grateful I can still tell my loved ones that I love them.