Plainwhite

The “HR” person at my job is my boss’s mom. But she likes to pretend that she isn’t his mom, or that nobody knows they’re related. She has a false sense of authority and power, and it really kinda pisses me off. She lies to us about it with a straight face, and I don’t like that at all. It’s a bad lie, everyone knows anyway, and it’s unfair to expect the rest of us to play along with the sharade.

In the presence of imminent danger, your money doesn’t matter, your status doesn’t matter, your achievements don’t matter. All that matters is how well you’re […]

Human beings are interesting. We hold ourselves back because we put ourselves in the shoes of others and imagine what it would be like to suffer the way they would. And yet, almost everything in this world can be obtained by ignoring that impulse. By abandoning empathy. And all the while holding back, I suffer myself anyway. I don’t have much courage to be evil, but I’m right there along the border, on the other side of veil, waiting for the thing that convinces me to abandon all care and finally cross over.

I daydream about what I’d do to people who say things about me […]

I’m not a good person. My uncle tells me that as a kid I was an angel. “Something sent from God,” he says. He says it like he’s eulogizing me, and although it bugs the shit out of me, it might actually be appropriate.

I’m not a good person. And I don’t say that out of despair or a lack of self esteem, I say it because it’s true. Because I do bad things.

Many of the things I’ve typed here have been lies. Stories I made up for my own entertainment. So I could watch all of you react to it. You can’t trust my words.

Sorry. […]

I hurt, but I’m sober.

I’m tired, but I’m trying still.

I cry, but look for smiles

I’m weak, but I’m fighting

Human-beings are unnecessarily complicated.

All my life, I was taught that you should make the best of your time on this earth, and live as authentically as you can, since you only live once. But if, for example, you decide to grow out your hair and show up to work in the middle of an awkward phase, they might assume you’re on drugs (or say you look unprofessional, at the least). So there seems to be this rather arbitrary dichotomy between being authentically yourself and following expected social norms for the sake of social functionality. And I guess I find it frustrating because it’s all bullshit. […]

Hey. It’s been a while. I attempted, but survived. Was in the hospital for a while.

I’m an asshole for posting it, and I’m sorry for that. It was unempathetic and selfish of me.

I have everything I need. Goodbye, everyone. Enough is enough. I’m done talking about it. You’ll never see me here again. Reply if you wish, but I won’t see it. This is it. I do it tonight. Rope. Thank you for everything. I’m done.

I dont want to go to work this morning. But I’m gonna.

I wish I never existed in the first place. I know that even if I don’t handle things myself that I’ll have a peaceful death, because it will have been long looked forward to. I don’t want to exist. At all. I don’t like it.

There’s a line I haven’t crossed yet. It’s the fuck everyone line. If I wanted to, I could be evil. Maybe I already am. I’ve never killed anyone, never SAed anyone, never robbed anyone…but I know I’m very capable of it. What is it that keeps me from crossing that line? Fear, I think. Fear of prison, fear of destroying whatever good is in me. But I think about it a lot, especially in times when I feel undervalued.

I’ll never be someone. I died a long time ago.

What good is having a life if you can’t enjoy it?

I’m just venting to get something petty off my chest.

Not a long ago, in a discord chat I’m in, a guy posted a hypothetical: If someone had a knife to their own throat and was threatening suicide, would you attempt to physically intervene? This upset an irl friend of mine (who is also in the discord) who had a family member die by suicide. The OP apologized, explaining that he didn’t intend any harm, and took the post down. But after that, she kept on beating him over the head with it. She just would not let it go. I understand why she’d be upset, […]

I have no true satisfaction or passion in life. I work, I go home, and that’s about it. No friends.

Why I work so hard knowing I’m basically someone else’s slave I’ll never know. I spend too much of my life doing things I don’t actually want to do.

I’m grateful for what I have, but I do not have joy. I do not have satisfaction. And I feel rather dull and Grey.

And I often wonder what the point of it all is. Why do I continue anyway?

I’m just not feeling it today. I don’t feel like playing guitar, painting, reading, watching Netflix, or even playing video games. Got home from work and I just…don’t feel like doing anything. I’m decent at a number of things but not really “good” at anything. I guess I mention it because I’ve been wondering what the point in any of my hobbies are anymore. It just seems like I’m wasting time

This is a rant about personal things.

It’s seems like I can never talk to my Dad without him bringing up my Mom. They divorced decades ago. My mom has some horrible psychological issues. My Dad blames the divorce on her issues, and blames her issues on my grandfather (her dad) who raped her continuously as a teenager. He says things like, “She got so bad that a psychologist told me to divorce her or else *I’D* go crazy myself”, or, “If it wasn’t for your grandfather, we would’ve never got a divorce.”

While it’s true that my mom has significant issues because of her father, I […]

I wonder if I might be a bad person. They say that if you’re concerned about being a bad person that you’re probably not, but…I push people away, or cause them harm, even though I don’t mean to. There’s been consideration about whether or not I’m a narcissist. I can’t tell one way or the other. For example, I’ll be interacting with someone and they’ll become angry over something I said or did (or didn’t do). And all the while, I have a hard time seeing what it was that caused such reactions. This has happened more times than I care to elaborate on.

I feel […]

I’ve been working a new job now for about 2 weeks. It’s been wearing me out. 2 days in, the guy training me quit, and I never learned everything I was supposed to. Im the only person in my department now, and so by default, im now the cheif engineer, and all the responsibilities fall on me. I’m presented with problems all day long, some of which I’m honestly not sure how to remedy. It’s very stressful. I was laying in bed ready to sleep for the night, but got called in tonight to address an emergency situation. When I got there, the problem was […]

Sorry for posting twice tonight. But not really, otherwise I wouldn’t have done it.

I’m for sure going to kill myself. 100%. Maybe not today or tomorrow. But I already feel as if I’ve had enough of life. I don’t want to wait to get old and sick and whatnot. I work just to come home and get high and/or drunk. I have nothing, am nothing, don’t want to be anything anymore.

I reckon 35 is my limit. That’s 2 years, for me. Maybe sooner though.

That’s how I’m dying though. I’ve decided. That’s how I want it.

My childhood friend just became a doctor. I know I should feel happy for him, but instead I’m just hateful of myself. Because I’m really not shit. Except shit.