I was fine… for a while. I thought I would make my life easier by pushing away my friends. Now I’m alone- during school, at home- basically everywhere. Its been awhile since I last posted an update, because I felt better. But depression has reared its ugly head again, so here I am. Tonight is one of those nights when I just can’t snap out of it. All I can think about is merciful death. Absence from school is a common occurrence these days because of depression. This just makes it harder to catch up and maintain good grades. I have no motivation to do […]
Depression is usually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. My depression is often triggered by negative thoughts. When I have a bad ride or receive a low grade on an assignment/test, I often begin to think of myself as a failure. I have been working on this with my psychologist. Instead of saying I should have done something, I try to apply to the future. For example, I will spend more time studying a specific chapter or section or I will work on keeping my horse’s attention. This way, I’m not beating myself up for the mistakes I have made. Instead, I’m learning from those […]
Why are we alive? Why were we put here on Earth to live? People say the meaning of life is to be happy, but few people ever experience long-term happiness. So what’s the point? If some of us are depressed, then we don’t have a reason to live and be happy. There is no point in living an empty life void of happiness. That’s why some become suicidal, right? There’s nothing left to live for.
What if I told you I was suicidal?
You would say, “Suicide is for the weak. The ones who can’t bear to live anymore.”
But I’m not weak. I’m choosing to kill myself. Does that show weakness?
What if I told you I had nothing to live for anymore?
You’d tell me the meaning of life is to be happy. What about my parents and friends?
What if I told you I had no friends?
“What friends?” I’d ask. “The ones who think I’m just a moody *****? The girls who are too immature to understand what […]
I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He […]