I just want to kill myself… It’s all that’s ever on my mind, but my mind is too lucid right now. It makes me realize how selfish of me that would be.
After everyone’s helped me through so much. Now it’s my turn to help them… but, I still feel like I need help, too.
So much responsibility has fallen to me. I guess in a way it always has. But in the past, I always felt easily replaceable. If I didn’t get her from point A to point B, then surely someone else would. Or maybe it would prompt her to get her license. Back then, even though I was needed, it felt like maybe my death was what was needed to push everyone along.
But now… if I die, then my girlfriend is stuck with our apartment, with our rent… and no one to help her. She just lost her job because of this COVID-19 too, so… she has no way to do this without me.
I used to believe that if I was properly needed that I might not want to die. That if I were useful, then at least my life had some meaning. But… I want to kill myself just as much as ever. Yet, I can’t bring myself to anymore. Not right now… Not while she needs me.
I really wish that I could though. I wish it was at a place in my life where it didn’t feel selfish of me to do so. I just want this emptiness in my body to end. The empty days, the empty mind, the sunken heart… I just want it to end. I don’t even care about relief, I know I won’t get any. I just want it gone.