I don’t know why I’m still here… I don’t want to get better but I can’t find it in me to end it either.
Well my whole family hates me now so… I guess that makes it easier on them when I die? Not much longer now so that’s good at least.
Thought I had gotten better but I’ve just been at a low where I feel like I could cry at any moment and I constantly feel sick…
I’m so tired of hurting myself I’d honestly rather have someone else hurt me instead. Even got to the point where I asked someone to hit me… They obviously didn’t but I just wish someone would.
I don’t think I can wait anymore. My family are starting to get suspicious of me and are becoming kind of aggressive in how they are trying to ‘help’ me… I’m not going to be able to do the method I wanted to but honestly I would rather die in pain than live through this anymore.
If I think about it for long enough, I don’t know if I want to die. When it comes down to it, I haven’t actually lived, my fears and anxieties have been stopping me from that. So if I haven’t really lived, can I really want to die?
I don’t know it’s nearly 5am and I haven’t slept…
It’s always been a rule for me that I wouldn’t drink, I know I would be an angry drunk and that scares me but just everything that’s been happening makes the idea so tempting. I mean the house is FULL of alcohol and legally I can drink… I just want everything to feel better for at least a while…
So many things have been happening lately that I don’t want to wait to just end it anymore. I still have 24 weeks left and I know that I should wait so that I can say goodbye to my family overseas but after finding out that a few of the ones I was closest to are actually complete homophobes it makes me wonder if staying alive for them is even worth it? Like why would I want to see people who would actually hate me if I came out to them? And suddenly my parents have turned into assholes who have started to constantly insult […]
I feel like I’ve reached a new low. I was told what would be considered devastating news and I didn’t react, at all. I knew that was bad so I faked some tears and said I wanted to be left alone. I’ve never been very expressive when it comes to emotions but to actually not react internally either… I don’t know… I feel like that’s bad.
I keep toying with the idea of leaving earlier than I had initially planned, even though I keep trying to tell myself to wait a little longer so that I can say goodbye to my family overseas. It just doesn’t feel worth it and I would rather them remember the happier me rather than the me now.
I find it stupid how even though I’m planning to die I’m still scared of doing things that could ‘ruin’ my life. Like I’m scared to dye my hair because “my natural hair colour will be forever ruined!” or “I can’t get a tattoo, what if I can’t get a job because of it!” stupid things like that… I’ve got 29 weeks left and I’m still too scared to do anything…
I think I’ve developed a dependancy on music. So pretty much for 6 years or so, the way I dealt with my problems, bad thoughts and emotions was to blast music so that I wouldn’t be able to think or so I would at least be able to ignore myself for awhile but now I’m at a point where I start to panic if I go 10 minutes without music which I guess isn’t healthy but I don’t have any alternatives and recently my thoughts have been getting worse and when I tried to pause my music 5 minutes later I started shaking. I don’t […]
Does anyone else just have thoughts of doing reckless shit like skydiving or thrill seeking things in general so that if you do die it hopefully might not affect those around you as much compared to if you were to commit suicide? I don’t know…
Just a vent…
I have nothing in my life. I have no hobbies and can barely keep interest in something longer than 5 god damn minutes. I’ve been blasting music to try drown out my thoughts but it’s not working anymore. I’ve never been good at anything and I have no practical skills that will help me in life. My social phobia is slowly taking over my life and I literally haven’t left the house in a month and when I tried to, I flinched at the slightest social interaction. I know that people always say “Give it time, it gets better” but I’ve waited and […]
So after posting something on here the other day, it was pointed out to me that I can’t get out of my depression by myself and the best idea would be to get proffesional help (or a local support group but I found out there aren’t any in my area) and as much as I really want that help, I would have to bring it up to my parents and I have no idea how to… I’ve tried wording it out and writing it down but I really don’t know how to ask them… I can’t really think of another place to ask so it […]
I’m in a situation where I don’t really have anyone to talk to on a personal level, I mean there is my family but… they’re more of a ‘You can solve it with a positive attitude!’ people… and I don’t really want to burden any of my friends since they have their own stuff to worry about… I know I should probably see a proffesional but that would require telling my family where I’m going so I can’t…
Really I just kinda want to vent what I’m thinking to see if that helps me, so here it is, I guess:
I don’t know how to feel anymore, I […]
My problems are probably minimal compared to what others have gone through but it still feels like a lot to me. I feel like my family hates me, they always yell at me, including my sister who is literally trying to control my life at the moment. My parents think i’m immature and probably doing drugs because i like going out with my friends and so they yell at me for nothing. Really they look for reasons to yell at me and everytime I’m yelled at i end up cutting, I don’t want to cut but it’s temporary relief and for a second I forget […]