I’m in a situation where I don’t really have anyone to talk to on a personal level, I mean there is my family but… they’re more of a ‘You can solve it with a positive attitude!’ people… and I don’t really want to burden any of my friends since they have their own stuff to worry about… I know I should probably see a proffesional but that would require telling my family where I’m going so I can’t…
Really I just kinda want to vent what I’m thinking to see if that helps me, so here it is, I guess:
I don’t know how to feel anymore, I thought I had gotten over my depression but I guess I really can’t do it by myself… I don’t even know why it came back and so that makes it even harder to get rid off. I had been doing so well and just suddenly everything is weighing me down, stressing me out and making me sick. I’ve lost interest in everything again and trying to talk myself into doing my usual activities is getting so exhausting. I just want to curl up and cry but that would affect too many people around me so I know I can’t. I know I can’t handle this again, it was too hard the last time and it’s even harder now. I know I can’t handle people not believing me again when I say ‘It’s too hard, I’m at breaking point’ and pushing me to ‘get better’ causing me to hide everything and have to try and figure out my mess of a life by myself. All of my past choices haunting me everyday, mocking me as if to say ‘if only you had done this’ or ‘you could have prevented this’ and when I try to reach out and tell people how badly these thoughts affect me I get laughed at, becoming the punchline of my insecurities by my so called friends and family… I can’t even tell them it hurts because I don’t want to lose anymore people around me… even though everyday I dream of running away to somewhere else to start a new life I can’t tell anyone how much they’re hurting me because I’m too weak to run away and I don’t want to be alone..
So this was kinda just written in one train of thought and I think I may still have some past issues… I don’t know… If someone else did read this it and picked up on something I didn’t can you tell me? As I said I know I should probably get proffesional help but I can’t so I need to try and figure it out and hopefully help myself…
4 comments
Hello HopeForMorning! I’m really sorry you’re going through all of that. Sadly I know what you’re talking about, and sadly I gotta tell you: I think you need professional help. I don’t know if its possible to get out of a depression by yourself, I really don’t think so. But I’m sure as hell that it’s a lot easier with help.
No matter how much your family loves you, if they’re not experimenting a mental illness, the most probable is that they won’t get you. My mother is one of those who believes that if you think positive, then good things will happen. So I had to talk to her, /really/ talk to her, and DEMAND medical support. It’s your right. It’s for you. You don’t need their permission. If they think you can handle it by yourself, they are wrong. And maybe a medical diagnosis will make them see that.
Try and really speak to your family, or maybe just your mother or an older sibling, someone you feel more connected with. If they are unwilling to pay for a treatment, I suggest you look up a local group support. I don’t know where you live, nor how your local community works, but I’m sure you’ll find something like that.
I wish I could tell you some magical trick to remedy it all, but there isn’t one.
I know it’s hard, but repeating yourself “If only I had…” is not going to help you. Please, please, pleeease, try and reach out to someone. If you want to talk about something (in general, in particular, or about anything, really) don’t hesitate and contact me.
I’m a little worried asking my parents if I can get proffesional help but I guess it is the best thing to do… I’ll press the matter as much as I can but I might start looking for a support group now as a back up in case they do tell me to ‘stay positive’ again. Thank you so much for your help though!
A local support group would help a lot even if you do get professional help, so, yay! Look it up. And really, if you want to talk, reach out to me.
I cant tell you how may times I have been told to just have positive thoughts or to exercise to get out of my depression. These things have never worked for me (and yes I have tried them over and over.) What has helped me is getting into counseling. Sometimes it takes a while to find a counselor you fit with so dont give up if the first one doesnt click right away.
I know your parents may not quite understand but maybe if you can google some counselors or support groups in your area and show them to your parents this might help. They will hopefully see you are serious about it and it might give them a direction to go in. Sometimes parents are not quite sure where to start either. People without depression usually dont grasp how deep the feeling are. But its only because they think differently.
I hope you find someone to help you through your feelings. Just know there are people out there that do care.