i’m actually laughing right now, if only because i’m in pain. i owe over 3k in hospital debt. i have one month to pay up. i am disabled and jobless. i still live with my father and he’s refusing to help, telling me to just stick with doing chores for him and “get a job so you can stop being fucking useless, then your debt will go away”
i’m back to wanting to die. the day after i say i’m doing okay, i’m back to suicide. i’m laughing and sobbing. i want this to be over with
it’s been… several months since i’ve shown up here, or anywhere, really. my family sent me to an institution again a few months ago. i was getting better, but not at that place. it took me a while to get out, they kept wanting to keep me in. i finally got a full diagnosis for what i have, although they keep giving me different names for it: ‘bipolar undifferentiated schizophrenia (aka schizo-affective) with obsessive tendencies and dissociation, alongside C-PTSD and the onset of avoidant personality disorder.’
i’m starting to prefer the term ‘crazy’ or ‘don’t ask’ since it’s less of a mouthful.
i’m coming to terms with it, though. […]
but here’s another poem
i had a dream last night
where i blinked
and you were gone
a lifetime had passed
between the two of us
i had become old
and feeble and frail.
and the world was so different
without you there
i looked for you everywhere
asked everyone if they’d seen you.
and i cried
as you slipped further and further away
but i kept going
with my weak little heart
and my teary eyes
and aching body
and i lived for you
for the both of us
for the memory
of your smile
and the sound of your voice
the pieces of my weak little heart,
shifting with […]
Ah. Now there was a question. A good question– good enough for me to take it into serious consideration for the next week– but woefully incomplete at its core.
I mean, who inspires me to do what? To say what? To be what? What is this inspiration supposed to be like? How am I supposed to react to it? How am I supposed to answer this question?
Was I overthinking this? Absolutely, but, if we were to cut the shit and get down to the nitty-gritty, I was agonizing over this because had multiple answers to all the above.
After all, my parents inspire me. They inspire me in a […]
i’ve been having a very difficult time lately. i have a lot of health issues both mental and physical and they’re finally catching up to me. it’s been very difficult holding on, but even more so now than before because my family is now explicitly honest about how they feel about my condition.
my health issues have gotten to the point where i can’t work. i can’t function on my own anymore. i am a burden. i’ve been in the gray area of suicide since the age of nine and i’ve only been open about it in the last two years. it’s gotten worse. everything has gotten worse […]
I breathe, I cry, I disappear,
breathless, stoic, forever here,
heart echoing, thundering,
cold and scared
I swear it’s living
I swear it’s beating
I swear it’s working
I swear, I swear, I swear,
if it hurts, it’s there
it is and has to be
an ache isn’t where it used to be
just give me time
and why and where
I’ll be good
I’ll be better
I’ll be fine
I swear, I swear, I swear,
“I fell in love with the smile she hid behind her hands, the one that flashed up and waved with brilliant colors when caught by surprise. It was the purest point of joy–the laugh that bubbled up and the creases at the corners of her eyes–her hair and hands rushing to her face to contain it all. But she was never fast enough, her happiness too much to be quelled so easily, and just enough would slip through to soothe the deep ache my yearning had burned into my heart.”
i thought about someone who isn’t here anymore. i felt i should write how she was and put it […]
there is nothing in me but the desire for people to be people, for people to see people as people, and to know that this was and is a world worth fighting for.
there is hope, my god, for all the times we’ve been stubborn enough to destroy it, we have maintained it in equal measure. there are people, real people, out there with home in their hearts and you in their future and believe me, dear, they’ll love you as I love you: fully and deeply and truly, a bond between the living, the existing, the real.
oh, little one, if only you could know how […]
i get deja vu so often i don’t know what’s real and it makes me panic. my head is all messed up and tied in knots and i can’t stop thinking about how this isn’t real, this is all fake somehow, i’m fake, and it makes me suicidal. i want to feel real again i haven’t felt really real in so long it makes me sick. i’m panicking right now and i don’t know what to do anymore just that i want to stop pretending to exist
another (very short) poem for today:
how do i soften the memory of you
like fingerprints on glass
barely, barely, barely there
a whisper left behind
today wasn’t the best but i hope everyone else is doing well
i’m new. to the site, at least, not to being suicidal. but i like writing and i was told once i should get more people to read it, so thought maybe this would be a good place to put this?
I breathe with the beating of my heart and lose it all so easily,
something of some significance slipping through my fingers.
Farewell, goodbye, good riddance, freedom and fear follow suit;
I’m gone, I’m gone, I’m gone.
it’s short but it’s here.
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