tomorrow is the day im hoping and dreading. i have another dr appointment, but it could be all or nothing. if im lucky he will find out what is wrong with my back and i will be cured both physically and mentally. if not then i have to tell my wife i cant adhere to my no self harm contract. seven years of back pain that causes immobility and prevemts me from being human is too much. i cant truly take care f myself and i am “smart” enough to know that i cant take care of any family i may have in the futue. […]
I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide because the medical community can’t tell me why I’m in pain or how to fix my pain. However, they won’t prescribe me medication to deal with the pain because I’m depressed and fantasize about suicide. The never ending cycle of “screw me,” continues.
How do you tell the ones you love that you are suicidal? That every day you need to make a conscious decision? You have a stash of painkillers ready for the moment? That going to the mental ward again doesn’t solve the chronic physical pain? How do you reach out after so many failed “cures? “