I used to post on here quite regularly when I was younger, I think when I was about 15 or 16? Around then. Those years are strangely hazy now, probably because I was living in such a haze of sadness and wanting to die. Anyway, I am now 21 and I’m back under a new name because I feel like a whole new person. A few parts of old me survived, and unfortunately one of those parts is the slightly suicidal one.
I say ‘slightly suicidal’ because even as I type this on this website that I know is about suicide, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t actually do it. It’s just a thought, like it’s there. It’s that option that comes into my mind regularly whether I want it to or not. I don’t want it to be an option, I really don’t. And I kind of know that it isn’t really, like the main thing is I know I can’t do that to my parents. I don’t care how egotistical or whatever that sounds, I just know that they’d be in so much pain if I died and even more if I’d killed myself. I can’t do that to them. And I can’t do that to some of my friends either.
It’s the friends thing too though, kind of. Like I am in a really not ideal house share with friends who aren’t really my friends any more for various reasons, and when they make me feel really bad about myself, when they make me really unhappy, I think maybe if I killed myself at least then they’d feel bad. And that’s fucked up, like I don’t want to be that kind of person. And I really hate that I have those those thoughts.
It’s strange, because the suicidal thoughts only seem to arise when I’m feeling particularly sad or angry. When I was here before it was a constant, like I remember sometimes muttering ‘i want to die’ under my breath repeatedly.
I’d just love to know what it is that’s wrong with me, like why is it that relatively small things can make me spiral into this kind of pit of despair? Why is death becoming an appealing option again? What is wrong with me, and how can I stop it?
I don’t want to die but I’m a very impulsive person at times and I worry that maybe one of these days the urge will be stronger than usual and I’ll actually do it without thinking properly through all my very good reasons why I shouldn’t.
It’s hanging this time… not sure why. I just keep thinking about hanging myself, whether I’m feeling down that day or not. Before, I don’t think I had any specific method in mind. Think I vaguely considered pills, but it wasn’t something I imagined much. It’s strange comparing the two versions of myself on this site as in so many ways I am so different, and in so many ways that are quite specific to suicide itself. I think back then it was something I kind of wanted, but now it’s something I really want to go away.
For a while I lived as someone who isn’t suicidal and I would really love to be in that position again. I just don’t know how.