Sanarisonordic

I’m not okay.

I tell myself this at least twice a day, regardless of where I am.

I’m not okay.

There’s a sea of pain in side me.

I feel numb.

I will never live up to my potential.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, how I feel raw and stunted. Emotionally. Physically. Psychologically.

I will never be a writer. I will never be that person.

I will never write a book.

I will never get ahead in a career that I hate.

I will never connect to anyone because I am so afraid and crushed by this demon that lives inside me. It feeds off me, little by little, and I know that one […]

I read today that when we experience trauma, any kind of trauma, it affects our capacity to function. We no longer respond to situations  freely.

Trauma affects us by creating fear and pain. Trauma isn’t just physical. It goes deeper into our brains, tunnelling through vital psychic processes.

We respond to situations by either being afraid or by being in pain. Of course, we don’t even know that we are doing this.

On reflection, I feel like this might be true for me. Even though I cannot remember any traumatic incident that occurred to me in childhood, I still feel like my response to situations is out of […]

I am going in circles.

There’s pain–a little lull–and then pain again.
I can’t feel anything other than pain.

For me, joy is the absence of pain.

Am I not good enough? Smart enough? Deserving enough?

I am too sensitive, too stupid, too much.

My internal monologue revolves around these issues.

My brain tells me that the reasonable thing to do it die. It will save so much effort and so much pain.

Oh, God, make it stop, please.

What do you do when you are at the end?

The end could mean anything, really.

The end of your hopes.

The end of a relationship.

The end of optimism.

I sit back here, alone with my musings, as I always have and I find myself going back to the phrase ‘Memento Mori’, which means ‘Remember that you have to die’.

It wants you to reflect upon your mortality. And I do this. A lot.

Except, with a mind half twisted, it drags me down whenever I am at the end of something.

If I am going to die anyway, why must I suffer the time in between. I am sure […]

I took antidepressants again. Despite knowing fully well that they have increased my suicidal tendencies.
I took them regardless.
And it’s numbed me.

I well nothing now. My body is disoriented. It is as if I am watching myself from afar.

These pills. They don’t help. They aggravate what’s inside us. This sickening, debilitating disease…

I am 28 in a month. I don’t know if I will survive being thirty…..

I have so many regrets and yet so few words to write. It’s palpable, right on the edge of my tongue and yet I can’t seem to make a coherent sentence that can describe how I feel.

So in its […]

I need this. Please.

Someone. Anyone.

Tell me why you live.

Tell me why you breathe.