welp I finally broke down and decided to cut myself just now, an hour before class…. But that’s not what the title’s statement is about…. It’s more about how I’m just not bleeding today and my skin just doesn’t want to be cut…. I pushed the blade in more than usual eventually and it just looks like a minor scratch, like it’s visibly deep once I get close but it’s barely bleeding…. It is only happening on the tops of my arms though, so I moved to other bits to get something satisfying…. is my skin just so fucked up that I can’t cut it […]
Welp here is my poem tonight (I want to share it for some reason, is longer than normal) It’s sort of two poems though that kind of fit together in a way. One of them I sort of wrote based on some things that are commonly said to me (had an experience with them today actually) and the other is I guess a response? Not a great response, nor really from me, more just wrote it from the perspective of the imaginary target of the first one…. Not sure is confusing I just wrote these took about 30 minutes which is pre long really -_-
**start**
Hey […]
Welp I think my friend actually hates me, because I expressed my desire for my grandfather to just die already…. I hate my grandfather he is a bigoted piece of shit, that’s the only type of person that actually upsets me. But yeah, my friend told me that he will no longer talk to me as long as I dislike my grandfather, so I guess I simply lost yet another friend…. At least this is the last one left for me to lose, and I guess that it is nice that my last experience with him was pretty pleasant, we went and got coffee then […]
I’m not going anywhere, I will never accomplish any thing of value with my life. Why should I bother even living out the rest of it? I’m just wasting everyone’s resources. The things I’m best at I still suck at compared to other people. My best developed skills are nowhere nearly developed enough to be of use to anybody. And the only thing I am actually well above average with is completely worthless since I’m not absurdly above average, and I’m probably getting worse with it too as I feel shame about it and sort of stopped doing it for a very long time…. :/ […]
It’s just so high pitched and annoying…. I hate it, and it makes it even worse that a lot of times I can’t even use it with confidence which makes it sound so much worse…. Grrrr also I wish I had a bit of money right now, fast food sounds really good, even $2 would be enough…. Maybe I should go out and mug somebody.
I hate this world, it’s so evil
Full of pain, and full of needles
Filled with a substance oh so lethal
Pushed through our skin by these deceitful
People that lie to us
Every day they break our trust
Saying that we are okay
And that there is no way
For us to alter this condition
That we live in, lacking nutrition
And ambition it is their mission
To beat us down into submission
Be their slaves until we die
Thinking it’s fine to just get by
Without smiling, without laughter
This existence is a disaster
**end**
I want opinions on this. How does it feel? What could I do better with it? I tend to write poems every night, and this […]
I really hate how I am. I am very asexual, never experienced sexual attraction towards anybody before…. Which makes things kind of difficult. I’m definitely not aromantic, I’ve had a very long list of people that I’ve wanted to pursue romantic relationships with. Gender has never been a consistent thing between them, and even several with non-standard gender identities have been included, so I guess you could say I’m panromantic that’s a decent word for it I guess…. However I have never actually had any type of romantic relationship, somewhat because my family really fucked me up when it came to that and another part because […]
Welp I am starting to miss some of the people from my Spanish class that concluded a few weeks ago…. I have known some of them for close to 2 years as they’ve done all but like on quarter of the classes with me…. I never got that close to them, kind of spoke to a few of them in passing every now and then…. But I was too scared to become closer to any of them and forge a lasting relationship. So now I’m starting to realize that I will never see any of them again…. I hate that fact. I didn’t even go […]
welp here we are again…. it’s been awhile since last time. I think like two months…. But I was getting to a point where I decided that masturbation would be a good idea…. And my normal routine of bludgeoning my genitals with my fists and various different objects was getting pre boring and was just not causing me enough pain….. There is only so hard somebody can hit themselves and eventually you grow too used to it, nothing would make me feel like curling up into a ball and crying…. And the last time when I tried hot sauce was a bit too extreme, so […]
meow 😀
It’s a kitty Fish…. I wish I could have sketched it better, but I apparently have no idea what a cat fish looks like (yes I drew this with pictorial reference, which didn’t help much)…. I suck at drawing living things, and I wanted to give this a cute cartoonish sort of style but I couldn’t quite achieve that…. But I have always wanted to draw a picture of a kitty fish for Whiskered-fish…. I hope this doesn’t upset […]
Why do I seem so unable to express things that I feel? -_- Is it just because I don’t feel that they are valid?
Going to go to my grandfathers somewhat soon -_- sort of a waste of the day but meh…. Start class tomorrow, and see my counselor afterwards…. Guess it may be nice to leave the house. Ate some taco bell yesterday was nice, but now no monies left, but should be getting a bit today. Feeling a bit better today though, less empty…. Which isn’t something I’m used to feeling, is really awful…. I haven’t really felt things most of this last week.
everything just seems so pointless right now…. I don’t want to do anything, yet I’m bored and need stimulation…. I have spent most of this week (had the week off) just sort of laying in bed wishing that I could sleep more, and watching really strange and somewhat boring youtube videos…. I just can’t really feel anything this week, most of the things that I find pleasant just seem so pointless. And classes start on Monday, not looking forward to that. I wonder if I will actually do well, I am only 10 classes away from my degree so only a bit under a year […]
Well I has a week off from classes between quarters, I guess that works out well…. Then summer quarter starts, which is only Monday-Wednesday however, Tuesday is I spend like 12 hours at school, and 5 or so on the other days so decently long days, all classes with the same instructor…. the one that I spent all of last quarter hiding from as I felt I disappointed him…. But meh, guess the week off is at a good time though, my doctor gave me more medicine, as she feels that the Zoloft was not enough…. She said it was situational, but to take it […]
welp I just checked my grades for pre-calc and found out I have yet again failed…. 52% this time though, guess that’s improvement. -_- all I needed was a 50% on the final to pass, I managed to get a 33%. I am a failure, this is only the 7th time taking the class…. And mathematics are apparently one of my greatest aptitudes too :/ But I just keep failing, really I basically fail every class but this one I actually failed…. all my other classes I coast threw with 60%…. I’m probably going to get my degree with a GPA of 1.8…. that’s not going […]
so I was bored this morning, this only took me about 2 hours (very fast for me) I did a quick outline in pencil then went over it and filled it in with sharpie…. So I have to give credit to Phantomcitizen for the inspiration behind this, I like his abstract human figure drawings, and I wanted to do something like that, but more in my style (I am not fond of curvy lines and what has you) this was fun to do, and is […]
So I went to sleep pre early (7pm) yesterday (was later than I wanted as my old favorite person ended up wanting to talk for a bit,which was nice) and woke up fairly late today (like 5pm) -_- so yeah just casually slept a bit over 20 hours, no bit deal…. but later today (is almost 1am now) I have a doctors appointment, and then a few hours after that finals…. that should be fun…. not sure I’ll catch up with my reading here, it goes on for like 2 pages for what I haven’t read…. I want to though -_- (I spent the rest […]
Is it bad that I kind of want to just forcibly find a romantic relationship (would be my first) with somebody that I know won’t be that great, and go into it knowing things will go poorly…. and hoping that I will become attached and they will start abusing me, until things end in a horrible way…. Is that bad? Is it bad that I want to start drinking? That I want to develop a problem with alcohol? Is it that that I want to get arrested and spend maybe a year or so in prison? I want to get raped. I want to be […]
So, I took SeeSmith’s suggestion (to a point) and made a mobile including razor blades, made out of paper from a book of course, since that was part of the assignment, then painted it up, added some gauze and medical tape, then some more paint…. I kind of like it. I sort of gave it kind of a style of something that I could see hanging above a crib (the crossed sort of top thing, I associate that with children’s mobiles) and I think I gave it that feel…. Maybe it can make a good gift for my 1 year old niece? welp anyway pictures
Welp I just ruined the thing I spent the last 3 days working on…. I found out that paper mache is really annoying and takes forever to dry and I need it done in like 2 days…. so I sort of threw it across the room….so that’s the last 60 or so hours gone (the framework took forever) so now what do I do? I need some type of mobile done by monday morning -_-