sigh

Hello how are you today?
I’m fine thanks
I’m lying I am not fine
I’m dying on the inside

I would tell them but they won’t understand
They will tell a story of a time when they felt sad
Its not the same.
I don’t just feel sad sometimes
I am sad
all the time
thats the only thing I am

Oh you just need a distraction
Just keep your mind off of those things
I tried
I tried friends and family
I tried alcohol, weed, LSD, cocaine, ecstasy, opium, shrooms, vicodin, tramadol, elavil, xanax, paxil…
what haven’t I tried
I’ve tried to make my mind believe […]

how many pills to make the heart stop racing
one…they call it xanax
how many pills to make the eyes grow tired and let sleep in
two…they call it elavil
how many pills to make the numbness set in
three…they call it paxil
how many pills to make the pain go away and let happiness in
how many pills to help me disappear forever
how many pills to take my last breath away
how many pills to make the heart stop aching
I’ll be gone once I know the answer

how did I get here
how did i become this
this person I see in the mirror
eyes that stare back at mine
look so forlorn and yet sinister
this person whose life I am witnessing
listening to the words coming from her lips
hearing the things that she hears
seeing and knowing
but never doing
when did she take control
when did i lose it
where will she take us next
perhaps death

I feel my wrists
I am aware of them
they almost ache
long to be sliced open
ripped apart
I’ll take a look inside
see the blood pouring out in gallons
rivers flowing out
draining out
draining the pain and the want
and the despair; the hopelessness
all drained out
and replaced by relief