Silent Screamer

I don’t know what to believe.

I am so confused.

About everything.

Especially,

The God,

The Devil,

Or something else.

I want to die.

My only cure.

Hopefully,

That day will come soon.

I hate my mom.. So fucking much.

I wanna die.. Not just because of my mom.. But just my fucking life in general.

All the fucked up shit.

I cannot wait till I am fucking gone.

I recently got with some guy that I’ve liked since the bigining of the school year, my 2 best friends, loved him, they cut over him, one, carved his name.. But I liked him first.. I don’t know who the ***** is in this situation, I would and am thinking its myself, but I don’t know.

A bunch of girls liked him.. I liked  him, and it turned out he liked me..

The odd thing is that we never had any classes together besides gym, but we never spoke in gym, never.

We only had the TAKS and the Benchmarks..

But anyways, as I said a bunch of girls […]

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.

I’m planning on commiting suicide

Overdosing or slitting my wrist

I really couldn’t be more excited

Well that is, if I suceed this time, or even do it

I just want to end

I can’t get him out of my head.

This guy, I met him in my youth group.

& he is actually my age.

I have his number, buy his phone had been disconnected for the longest time.

And, he moved.

But as much as I try to get him out of my head, it just doesn’t work.

Its tearing be apart.

When I talked to him, I felt..

Balanced, normal, he made me feel, there.

I need him.

But, I have no way to talk to him.

Great.

Sometimes, well a lot actually.

I find myself imagining I was killing people.

Slowly, painfully, full of blood.

Stabbing..

It makes me feel, crazy.

Not insane, crazy.

But, I really don’t mind.. Any of it.

My fingers tremble, knowing you’re planning on suicide.

My thoughts race, hoping there is something that I could say to change your mind.

My heart aches, though, we didn’t know each other.. It doesn’t matter, I care for you.

Everyone loves you on this site, and you making this choice shreds our hearts to pieces.

But not specifically knowing when you’re planning on going, is driving me mad, or the more.

I wish we could change your mind.

I wish you would stay.

I wish this wasn’t your choice.

I wish you can be ok.

Though it’s a wish, one that only you can make come true.

So, with all my love, and with all […]

My craving for suicide has never been this strong.

I’m afraid I might lose this time.

Or should I say win?

I haven’t been on the website for a while.

I haven’t done anything for a while.

I’m getting worse.

I hope everyone out there is getting better.

But just to fill you in on what had happened in my life,

Stopped cutting for 3 months, started again, pretty bad cutting too, got caught again.. Lucky me right?, but now.. I’m not eating.. I’m diagnosed with severe depression, & just weird things have been happening, hallucinatiouns, sensing stuff.. Just weird things..

But yeah, thats whats been happening.

Its kinda sad that its tooken me this long to realize that I really do not have anyone.

Therapist are full if shit.

I used to want to be one, but then I thought about it, and pretty much realized that they are payed to listen to people, and though they chose that as a career.. I don’t know.. It just seems weird to me.

And if you disagree, well than you do.. Don’t fill the comments up woth, well y’know..

This is just my opinion.

I want to gush.

I want my skin to be sliced.

I want it to be over.

But why don’t I go ahead and end it?

I wish I fucking new.

I just want to be dead.

I want to bleed it out.

All the pain.

All the worthlessness.

All the torture.

All the wasted love.

All of the unused attention.

All of the exhausted emotion.

Everything.

I just want to be over.

I don’t want my scars to go away.

I want a reminder, do when I’m older, I’ll remember what I’ve done,

And know that I got through it.

Ok so, I need some answers.

I need to know where to hide a blade (pencil sharpener blade, small)

I’ve been hiding it in my phone cover, but they slip out.. I’ve had multiple.

I also need it on me 24/7.

So any suggestions? Please tell me.

Gonna go see a movie with my dad, brother, & his girlfriend.

I don’t think I can stand through 2 insane hours of tv.

How odd.