I’m scared. I’m scared of myself. I’m scared that I won’t, can’t feel. See, since the day I was born I have had this steadily growing indifference to life. For the past year I’ve been getting this feeling that everything is meaningless, pointless and that terrifies me. I just want to know that if someone I love dies I can feel the pain in losing them, actually be able to cry, somehow force myself to care. I don’t know how I move day to day with this feeling so ingrained in my soul that at some point I’ll feel nothing, not even the fear of […]
I was better. I was great. I had friends, lots of them. I felt accepted, I was less anxious. My family was the same, but I can’t change that. I’m not really suicidal now, because I realize the importance of life after my sister suicide atempt. But now we fight, my whole family. They say I’m not socialible, that I’m egotistical, that I’m impossible. They tease and I’ve asked them to stop but they don’t. I’m annoying, I’m conceited and I’m awkward again. I can’t ask a question without scrutiny, and I’m fearful that I’ll disappoint them. But why tonight? Did it build up, their […]
My anxiety never leaves. It stays, building, waiting. At the slightest hint of danger it jumps. I try to will the situation to a better place, but it refuses to go. My mind is racing and I’m suddenly angry, then tired and angry again. I want to hit something, someone. I want to scream and rip apart everything in sight. I want to sob and not be judged. The urge to bang my head on the nearest surface till I black out is growing. This is what happens at school, at home, and all I want to do is fall asleep and never feel again.
People pass me by, saying hello with forced smiles and tight lips. People force out small talk, trying to avoid anything of importance. I can’t stand to be around these people. I can’t stand to say hello. Interactions like these leave me drained, tired, bored. Life bores me. There is nothing wrong in my house, save for the occasional screaming match. There are no people that put me down. This is why I’m vulnerable. If I let down my walls the enemy fires. I get hurt. I don’t have reason to be upset. No reason, unless you count that no one understands my thoughts at […]
I wasn’t bad for a while. I got better, I had friends. I pulled myself out of that hole of built up anger and sorrow. I was happy. I’d laugh for no reason, I’d be wild, free. I was me again. When summer ended my sadness ended. It was good. Life was fine. Funny isn’t it, how somethings can grow so gradually, unnoticeable, then suddenly hit you like an oncoming train? Or how somethings are so wonderful that when the slightest thing goes wrong, that wonderful feeling is just leaves? It never settles down permanently, just as sadness never leaves. Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe […]
I don’t know why I did it. I think I needed to feel, needed to know that I’m still alive. I don’t think that I matter anymore, to anyone. I started cutting today. The razor on my skin made it through when my pocket knife couldn’t. It wasn’t deep. It barely broke skin, but I felt it. And finally I feel real. I feel human. I’m a sad human being, but I exist. I guess that’s all that matters, even if I don’t.
This isn’t about suicide, but it is like a death of your sanity and free will.
Dark
They creep through the shadows before dawn breaks
To them night is day
And while we sleep they watch their prey
Up and down our bodies go
Letting air in ever so slow
dreams pierce our thoughts as we think not
To the outside wold oblivious.
In they creep with soundless movements
Ice wind follows them, a constant servant
But in our sleep we know not.
To our beds they slither, creep
And over our heads they plunge us to a dreamless sleep
Our dreams rush forth to […]
I didn’t tell anyone that I was depressed. I didn’t know how. If you were a parent and your twelve year old daughter said she was depressed would you believe her? I wouldn’t, especially since I usually come across as the happiest of the children. When I finally worked up the courage to tell my mom, my timing couldn’t have been worse. It was the night before mothers day, and I let out all I had hidden. I opened up, I cried and confessed. I told her everything, right down to wishing the house would burn down with me along with it. I was so […]
I wrote a poem a while back and and didn’t think much of it. I always knew I had a darker side, I just didn’t realize how depressed I was. It would be great to die this way, I hope someone remembers it.
THE LEDGE
look over the edge, what do you see?
The black of the street? Lights from the cars?
If you look up do you see stars?
Is the world black or completely clear?
Would they hear if you screamed from up here?
Or would they even care?
Look over the edge, what do you see?
Down below is your destiny, so […]