Author

tentoone

Acceptance

by tentoone 2/6/2020

written by tentoone

Would it be considered giving up to accept that I cannot fly? Or, that I cannot breathe underwater?

We have this crazy idea that, if we just try a little harder, we can push through anything. That it will always pass. That things inevitably must get better. Because, surely, it can’t always be this bad, right?

I know someone who uses the threat of suicide to blackmail people into complying with their wishes.
“You can’t leave me, I’ll kill myself.”
“How dare you disagree with me! Your mean behavior makes me want to die.”
On and on. Every other day. I’m not saying that person doesn’t need […]

2/6/2020 1 comment

Feeling

by tentoone 12/1/2019

written by tentoone

That pain you’re feeling is real and valid. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. No one has to earn any sort of “right” to feel how they feel. And, no one has the right to tell you what you feel is wrong, or that you should hide your tears. Every day, is a fight to live. It takes a great deal of strength to feel. I won’t be shamed into behaving as if everything is okay, as if I am not breaking.

12/1/2019 1 comment

On asking for help

by tentoone 12/1/2019

written by tentoone

What kind of person criticizes you for finding it difficult to ask for help, emotes anger and frustration with you for not coming to them, then rejects you when you finally work up the courage to ask?

And, if you have the nerve to remind them they said you should ask, are offended that you would bring up something like that and throw it in their face to make them feel bad.

What kind of person accuses you of expressing genuine pain as a means of hurting them, instead of asking you what’s wrong?

People don’t ask for help for the same reason they don’t seek love and […]

12/1/2019 2 comments

Wishing I wasn’t

by tentoone 11/7/2019

written by tentoone

Last year at this time, I remember thinking there was no way I could get through the holiday season alone. Yet, here I am again, still with no home, unable to work even if I could find a job. I am over 4k miles from the only friend and support I have.

Every time we video chat, I am torn between closing my eyes to pretend we are close and watching his face every second I am able to. The sound of his voice is the only thing sustaining me right now. Well, that and the false hope that we will ever be together again.

Some days […]

11/7/2019 0 comment

Valid

by tentoone 10/31/2017

written by tentoone

We get so locked up in ourselves. Closed off. Hiding. Who we are, what we feel… For me, happiness has always been the scariest. Most obviously because it is generally so fleeting; and, falling always hurts more, the higher your climb. But, also because when someone sees what makes you smile, they invariably learn what makes you cry.

It’s a sort of evolution of isolation until we are so far beyond knowing how to express ourselves, we forget how to let ourselves feel at all.

Please never be ashamed of your tears. Or laughter, even if it seems inappropriate. Everything inside you is valid.

10/31/2017 0 comment

She was there…

by tentoone 10/28/2017

written by tentoone

When did I decide to live? Why? I remember the cold steel of ancient sewing scissors pressed against my skin. Then, the twin bite when I lost myself for a moment, awakening to find I had embedded them in my wrist. Hot and desperate. Overwhelmed. Do we not all experience that at times? Like being driven by an inner force. A manifestation of true desire, perhaps? Something that is not so easily released and shared with others. I wonder.

The trailer was filthy; there is simply no other way to describe it accurately. And, not merely conventionally dirty, but a kind of diseased wrongness which even […]

10/28/2017 2 comments