Thalen

It’s been a while since the last time I was here. Now, with all this Covid stuff, I’ve been isolated at home for 5 weeks. Most people seem to have problems with being locked, there must be a feeling of loneliness and despair and things like these in our society nowadays, but for me it’s kinda different. As someone with social phobia, these weeks inside home with no contact with people have been wonderful. But this is the problem with me right now.

I started (again) my PhD in january, and I’ve had some problems with the academic part, I’m not an intelligent person, and the […]

It’s been a long time since I published something here, maybe you don’t even remember my story.

Some years ago, I had the oportunity for to begin my PhD, I got all I needed, the scolarship, the place to live, the research grant.

But being all alone in another country made all the things inside come out and I lost the control of my mind because of my depression and social anxiety, eventually got interned in a psychiatric ward, lost my grant and everything else because of that. With no money letf, soul-broken, I had to return home and try to start my life all over again.

Some […]

Since I was a very young child (like 6 or 7, maybe 8), I have the idea that our existence has no sense, maybe because all the bad things that people do (in the country I live in the violence, war and corruption in all their forms have been present for decades). So I have always thought that all the humankind must be killed or destroyed. Even my family and the people I love? Yes. Even (specially) me. Then all these bad things that come with the human nature would dissapear forever and the world would be a better place.

Am I crazy for thinking like […]

Another night here, lying in bed. Feeling how the life goes on, feeling how the time slips throught my fingers like water. Soon I’ll become 35 and there is nothing in my story more than two sheets of paper that say that once I went to college, a long time ago. No achievements, no relationships, no friendships, no job, no travels, no hobbies, not even a day in the park. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

I’m still here, trying to keep standing on my feet, in this life, because there are people for whom my no-existence would be painful. I’m important to them, and I know that this […]

My birthday was some days ago, now I’m 34. When I was 15 I decided to hold on for a limited time before killing myself, a time when my family would not be hit so hard by my leaving, even maybe my mom would be dead and would not feel bad.

That day that I had set for it was my 30th birthday. I was far from my family, in another country, cronically depressed, alcoholic, ready for it, wanting it. But, somehow, my family knew about my intentions and sent my mom to “visit me” for my birthday. Obviously I couldn’t do it, the love for […]

This is a message for you. You will never read it, but I wrote it for you.

Three years ago, before I knew you, I was convinced that the only way of affection that I could find, that I deserved, was in the casual and fast sex with people I didn’t even know, some were good people, some were not. They gave all I needed, an instant, a moment, and that was all. After that I started to feel empty again, wondering if I would never feel something more than a temporal desire and lust for someone. “Will I never love someone? No, you can’t even […]

It’s been a long time since the last time I posted something here. I guess nobody even remembers me.

Last time I posted I was in a bad situation because of the lack of good results in my Ph.D. After that I was expelled from my university, gave all my savings to the guy I secretly loved because he needed the money. So, with no money, no studies, no job, I had to go back to my country,  live in my parents’ house, be a burden to them again and learn to live with this permanent failure that is me. Eventually I got a job so […]