gods joke

Lately ive joined a discord server. Lately ive started calorie counting. Well as good as i can, if my husband caught me using measuing cups for everything im sure hed have something to say.

I had a little over 1000 yesterday, and that i feel was too much. I binged after fasting. I shouldnt have eaten. Ill never look right if i keep eating expecially if i keep eating like that.

I cant wait until i move. Ill be alone often enough that i can do what i want without question. Go for a jog when i want. Itll be ok. Once i move i can do […]

Not that thats anything new,

Anyway

I wish I knew why. I wish I understood.

I dont want to talk about it. I hate talking about it, but its been bothering me.

Sometimes I hate being touched. It makes my stomach upset. But I dont say anything. He even asked if I was ok and I said I was fine. I blatantly lied. I wanted to say no, but I couldnt. I didnt…

everyone should hate me, im not good for anything….

i know im “normal”. i know its “fine”. but i cant help feeling fat. i cant help hating myself.  i cant help eating and feeling like i shouldnt.  i cant help but hate every part of me. if i could id never eat again. ive thought about it time and time again. what if  i could change that to this or this to that. but i can never see me liking myself.

Thinking about it….i dont have a “good time to do it” no matter what day i choose the outcome will be the same.

im wondering if maybe its being handled all wrong. when trying to recover it seems people are expected to just change. theyre expected to just go from pulling the trigger (figuratively with pun intended) to just start working towards everything being ok. maybe that isnt the answer. maybe there needs to be a break period in between. something calm, away from the problem. a place where they can work on an in between. not recovery but not thinking about suicide either.

this idea most likely wouldnt help everyone but im sure it would help a lot considering how overwhelming and enclosing it must feel.

im wondering if […]

I want to roll one but i have therapy later. Of course i dont even want to go therapy but some people think its good for me. Im so fucking tired of being ‘that one’. And yet i laugh knowing it was just fact that i was suicidal in HS. Cuz yeah, thats a trait everyone wants attached. “Cute, pretty, smart, funny, suicidal……”

Im leaning towards f*** it *eyeroll* i dont even want to be bothered with life, why should i care. (Rhetorical)

i wish i knew how to explain it but i have no idea where to start. it just doesnt feel real

normal people dont hear voices.

normal people dont see things that arent there.

normal people dont have self-inflicted scars on their wrist.

normal people dont destroy everything they touch.

being “different”, “unique”…

isnt always a good thing

I wish i was still keeping a blade in my pocket. At work when i got an inch on my wrist that i cant “scratch”. Ill deal with it later im sure.

I need to be getting new ones anyway.

I know its wrong of me. I know my friends are going to worry about me. But i almost kinda like not eating. Ill look down at my stomach and like it for once….

Its just not possible for me to be happy. Im sorry.

If anything happens to me i hope you dont find out. I know how youd feel and i want you to know its not your fault.

1 friend blocked. Another on mute. I’m so done with all this bs. I’m done going to therapy until this problem is dealt with, I don’t care if it takes months. I’M DONE DEALING WITH IT.

I’m NOT going to psych. And it’s not my fucking BPD.

And now I’m waiting for a message from my other friend, “What happened? Are you ok? I saw the post.”
Yeah I’m fine, just done dealing with people. I’d kinda prefer to ignore it all right now if you don’t mind though…..

I’ll spend my weekend getting drunk, high and doing whatever I please.

how does one fix what is themselves?
i wish i only had depression with a route cause of trauma. at least then once then trauma was worked through i could be relatively ok, but no. i have a personality disorder. and at this point i cant help but laugh in peoples face.

“you arent your disorder” then would you like to tell me why i can look at every single action i make and be able to point back to this disorder?

this is deeper. this is permanent. and a permanent problem, calls for a permanent solution…

For so many different reasons…..

Im better off single.

so i recently made a new online friend. but im concerned that theyre too much of a friend. not in a creepy concerning way but, oh idk, im probably hopefully overreacting. is it over reacting if they think about you? i can never just have a friend can i? why does everything always have to be complicated? im probably better off without friends…

They made fun of my letters.

G – “that looks like C7.”

O- i remember writing pages and pages of os. They looked like 6s. On the plus side i can make a perfect circle now?

They still trigger me. I cant not remember. It hurts when your own parents laugh at you.

If she ever wants to come back into my life she should have to pass a test. A test shes sure to fail but would prove a lot if she didnt.

Name every mistake youve ever made: