thehusk

Why am I still here? The next moment. The next rush. A new piece of music. An elaborate plan. The latest fantasy. Regrets for a life misspent. Nostalgia for wasted youth. Memories. A fresh landscape. A beautiful view. Delusions of grandeur. Impossible dreams. Attachment. Optimism bias. Narcissism. Force of habit. Survival instinct. Nothing tangible. Nothing real.

Somehow these overcome the totality of my lived experience: Overwhelming fear. Immortal worms in my guts. Running on empty. Insane loneliness. Cold sweat. Despair. Shame that reaches to my core. An insatiable hunger. Stains that cannot be expunged. Decay, day by day. Itches that cannot be scratched. Forever watching from the sidelines. […]

It’s so funny, the way we see ourselves and each other. What appears to one outsider as a sparkling star full of wonder and promise is to the insider a worthless inadequate tortured with self-doubt and despair. What looks like someone flying high externally is perceived as plummeting to earth internally. There’s always someone below you, looking up, thinking ‘God, if only I could live like that. What the hell are they complaining about!’ So much talent, beauty, & goodness, all going to waste because you think you’re not good enough.

If only we could share these positive views of each other. But we can’t. Not really. We’re each trapped […]

Life is out there. And I want to live. In theory. But there’s been something holding me back, for so long now. Being around other people never feels right. I hate it. I feel so worthless. The worst person in the world. Something unpleasant on someone’s shoe. Like I’m just being tolerated because no one wants to be unkind.

And no amount of positive or rational thinking has ever really touched this feeling. Nothing ever feels right. I never really feel a connection. With anyone. There’s only ever the tantalizing hint of it, before it gets squashed.

Everything is artificial. Contrived. It’s all an effort to pretend […]

The things that have meaning for me all feel out of reach. So they’re there, seeming amazing and exciting and worthwhile. But they’re not for me. They’re for those with different life experiences, aptitudes, personalities, bodies. Those with the ability to live in the moment and not analyze every single tiny thing. Those not gripped by fear.

The reward part of me says ‘yes, see, life has meaning, do something to get there!’. The execution part of my brain says ‘right….how exactly? How are we going to get there, when we can’t even go to a supermarket without being consumed by anxiety? Even if we could […]

I’ve been thinking about returning to therapy for ages. Not that I think it would really resolve my underlying issues, or that I’m ready to change. But I’m so tired of being alone with all this going round and round in my head. I just want to talk to someone and know that they really understand, even if there’s things I can’t talk about, without judgement. It would be nice to have someone on my side, even if I had to pay them to be on my side. Someone who can keep track of my endlessly revolving cycle of thoughts, and maybe give a little input, […]

I often feel like I should kill myself. Not that I necessarily want to, or that it would be a ‘good idea’, but that I should, morally speaking. Taking into account the things I’ve done in my life, and who I am a person, it seems like the only answer. When I think about people who I’ve respected and admired, and what they would tell me to do with the mess I’ve made of my life, it’s the only answer I come up with. There’s no way to make things right. There’s no way to make myself right with society. There’s no way back, to return […]

It’s hard to admit that you need something from another person. That you’re not sufficient, in yourself. It makes you vulnerable. It means recognizing that you’re not the master of your own emotions. At your core, you’re as weak, and dependent, and comical as any being on this planet. Just an ape, desperately seeking comfort in the familiar.

Much of modern thought is built on the denial of this reality. We like to think we can transcend our primal selves through self-control and societal structure. But all it really does is complicate things. By concentrating on the elaborate means of achieving superficial success, we can forget the […]

I have these ideas of how life should be. How reality should work. Too much time spent watching tv. It doesn’t work like that. There is no ‘suddenly’ moment where everything falls into place. There is no happy ever after. My experience has shown me that time and time again. And yet still, I keep trying to see the world that way. Looking for that thing that will make it all seem meaningful again. It’s pathetic.

There is nothing that can make life meaningful. Either you feel it, or you don’t. I’m so tired of trying (and failing) to keep it together, when I don’t feel […]

It’s funny how scared I am of the feeling that nothing really matters. I just have to be invested in something, committed in my mind or…what? Life will still go on. I’ll keep on eating, sleeping, and repeating until my circumstances fall apart. But something about that kind of existence just seems utterly terrifying.

I suppose it’s a survival instinct. I have to have motivation to push me to do things that will aid survival long term. I have to believe that it matters.

But sometimes it’s just gone. And all that’s left is the fear. Nothing matters, and yet somehow it matters that nothing matters.

I feel so alone. And scared. Even when I’m with my loving family, making not very funny jokes. When we’re drinking holiday drinks, and relaxing. I think it’s the small talk that gets to me. For them it’s just small talk. For me it’s all I have. It’s a reminder that I can never be real, with anyone. I can’t ever say what I’m really thinking – because it’s terrible, and it would either destroy them or me.

I’m an awful person. But I’m attached to my own awfulness. The idea of letting go of it, of somehow changing how my mind works –  it just feels […]

If you’re bored then you’re boring. In my case, probably true. But there it is.

Having attempted to cut out all the things in life that make me anxious (mostly involving other people), I find it incredibly hard to invest anything with meaning or significance.

I’m not sure why that’s so terrifying. But it is. The idea of being in a world where everything is just tedious and empty seems unbearable. Maybe it’s a survival thing. I need some kind of motivation to push me to do things that’ll increase my life chances in the long term. But it’s just not there. I should care. It feels […]

On the rare occasions I’m around other people for any length of time, I get consumed by a feeling that’s hard to describe. There’s a lot of sadness in there, along with regret, shame, and self-hatred. But also a kind of longing. It grips me, and pulls me out of whatever I’m doing. ‘Something must be done’, it insists. ‘Something has gone terribly wrong.’

But I know that there’s nothing to be done, except move forward. There’s no way to return to childhood, and change the decisions I made. This is not Groundhog Day. There are no do overs. Run the tape again, and I would […]

This probably won’t be about what’s really on my mind, since authentic self-expression seems impossible. Everything is presentation. Games I don’t even realize I’m playing, to shield myself from the truth. My words are too crude to represent thoughts that are too simple to summarize feelings. In trying make things coherent the vital content slips away. But anyway.

I’m tired of me. Of my thoughts. Change my ways of thinking! But the me changing my ways of thinking is directly influenced by my current ways of thinking. I just end up coming back to the same old place. Change of self follows change in circumstance. It always […]

I deserve this. But it doesn’t make it any easier to take. I don’t know how to live without hope. I’m just too selfish. I can’t seek all my purpose in the happiness of others. That’s what I should do. But the mind will not comply. It keeps asking ‘what’s in it for me?’ And there’s nothing real left in life for me anymore. I’m completely lost. I’m beyond redemption. Beyond connection.

There are very few things that are truly unforgivable. But once you cross that line, there’s no way back. It changes who you are. To everyone. To yourself. And there’s no way to make it ok. […]

For so long my life has been about trying to escape from how I feel from moment to moment. Because something always feels wrong. I feel so utterly alone. And scared. And full of self-loathing. And so, so tired. I don’t think I’ve slept properly for 10 years. On top of which there’s all the little physical things – my stomach and skin issues, back pain etc. There’s always something gnawing away at me – either in my mind or my body.

I’ve never worked out a way to tolerate feeling like this for an extended time. It seems unbearable, and I end up desperate for a […]

It’s hard to know how much of my experience is a product of my own neurosis, and how much is just a general part of the human condition.

I want too many things. Impossible, contradictory things. Things I know wouldn’t make me happy. And things I somehow know would, despite the fact that I can’t quite articulate what they consist of, or whether they really exist.

The takeaway would seem to be that my emotions aren’t a trustworthy guide to anything. They’re elusive, fickle, and fade away whenever they’re followed.

It would seem that we’re all just chains of elusive feelings, desperately clinging on to dreams that can never be satisfied. […]

Message to self:

What am I doing here? It seems like this world has no future. And I don’t have the ability to save it. I’m not sure anyone does. It’s too much for any one person to take in. And not enough people are even prepared to face the problems. The worlds smartest and brightest are consumed with petty bullshit, hiding their heads in the sand. Everyone pays lip service to the real issues, without really dedicating themselves to tackling them. I should do something, but anything I do will be tokenistic and pointless.

And I’m not even a good person. I’m a fucking terrible person. I shouldn’t […]

It’s a shame. And I’m ashamed. That pretty much sums it up.

There’s so much potential in life. So much beauty. Such possibility for positive experience. But it just gets fucked up.

Partly it’s the world. Illness, aging, deprivation, and natural disaster all hamper our ability to enjoy what’s around us.

But partly it’s us. By which I mean me, and people like me. Those who just won’t accept the imperfections of the world, and make the best of it. Who resent the world for not fulfilling their needs, and grow twisted. Who hold grudges, and take them out on anyone they can.

Some people just can’t let go. They keep […]

It’s funny, when your mind fixates on something that you rationally know is hopeless. You keep telling yourself ‘if only’, but give it a moments thought and you’ll see that it’s never going to work.

I’ve spent the majority of my life fixated on an illusion. Something that for a brief time felt so good, and so right, that it’s cast a shadow ever since. And however much I tell myself that it wasn’t real, and to let it go, my mind still clings to it. It keeps telling me that that is the only way to be happy. Even though I know that it’s an […]

There’s no way to make things ok. That’s not just me being defeatist. Sure, I’m depressed, but there are reasons. Some things you just can’t make right. Some sins are too terrible to redeem.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about myself anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about the world anymore. I just want it all to go away.

The last 10 years of my life have been me running from the truth.

I’m scared of death. While there’s life, there’s possibility. Except there’s no possibility of me ever being happy. Not really. I’m alone, even […]