thehusk

What if you’re really as worthless, hopeless, and lost as you fear? What if you’re not only completely alone, but utterly insignificant to anyone? What if there’s really nothing that you can do to make things right?

How do you go on living, with that awareness in your mind? Without it consuming you? Without just curling up in a ball, or slumping, staring vacantly at the wall. How do you live, without constantly wanting to just end yourself?

I can’t help feeling that there’s something terribly wrong with reality. Not just my little screwed up corner of it, but the whole thing. There’s something missing, but I can’t describe what it is. I wake up feeling this sense of loss, but I’m not sure what it’s for.

I just know that the world shouldn’t be this. Without knowing how it should be different. There’s an absence of the significance that somehow should exist. This is a world without Gods, spirits, ancestors, or magic. And I know that none of those things would fill the void. But there’s something else that’s missing too. Something with more […]

I don’t know if this is guilt, though there’s certainly an element of that in there. I know that what I am and what I do isn’t right, though I can’t always remember why.

There’s a fair amount of fear, but not necessarily that I’ll be found out (although that idea is terrifying). Fear of myself perhaps. Of what I am. Of what I’ve done. That there’s no way out. No way back. No return. No way to stop myself. No way to be free of this. No clean slate. No forgiveness. No peace. No happiness. No real life.

There’s a lot of tiredness, and despair. Carrying this […]

It’s hard to pinpoint quite what’s wrong. I think it’s something like: I miss mystery. Contemplating the world with the kind of interest I used to as a child. Now everything seems sort of predictable. Even the shocks and random outliers. Certain things are predictably stimulating/exciting. But it’s not the same.

It’s like my mind has processed all the possibilities of reality, and jammed them into neat little boxes. Whatever happens, whatever turns out to be the case, it’s just not really all that interesting anymore.

Perhaps what I’m describing is an inevitable result of adulthood – in order to try and survive the world, the brain has to limit it’s view […]

I heard something today that cut to my core. It was something like; ‘intimacy is knowing that there’s someone who you can tell, whatever goes through your mind, no matter how shameful, and they’ll still take your calls afterwards, and care about how you’re doing.’

And I realized that I haven’t had that, at least as an adult. And there’s no way I can see of ever getting there in the future. Because whoever I talk to, always there in the back of my mind is the knowledge that if they knew the whole truth about me, they would be appalled, and want nothing more to do […]

The problem with cutting yourself off from society and attempting to opt out of the system is this: sooner or later, you will need someone to speak for you. Someone to confirm that you are in fact you, and not some impostor. And suddenly, things get horribly complicated, and you have to start admitting to complete strangers that you have none of the required markers of normalcy or adulthood.

No, I don’t have a driving license. Driving makes me anxious, and I can’t afford to run a car anyway. No utility bills, as all I purchase is food and other retail items. I haven’t been employed in a […]

Just wanted to share this with someone. I find it beautiful and calming while also being kind of sad/depressed.

No false hope today. No motivation. Just waking up late with a sour taste in my mouth and a numb ache in my head. So tired, but I could lie in bed forever and that would still be the case.

I just want the awareness to go away. The regret, shame, loneliness, despair, longing – all of it. So I can focus on getting through my tiny little life. But there’s constant fucking reminders that there’s something else out there, no matter what I do. That I’m missing out on an essential part of the human experience.

I don’t want to see photos of your happiness. I […]

My delusions are all that is keeping me here. The stubborn refusal to face reality. The insistence that somehow I can overcome all the insurmountable barriers to peace and happiness. That I can ignore all that has come before, every piece of evidence my mind has gathered over the years.

When all else fails, stick you fingers in your ears, close your eyes, and rush repeatedly at the wall screaming manically, until you pass out.

Silly brain. Getting hung up on the things you want, like you need them or something. Like you need some kind of meaningful connection with another person. Like that’s even a real thing! And even if it were a real thing, like it would be possible for you, given what you are and what you’ve done.

Silly, stupid brain. All you really need is to end. To not experience anything, ever again. To cease to be. No more wanting. No more awareness of pain and discomfort. No more guilt, no more shame, no more fear. No more insistence that something is wrong.

There is no peace for […]

I keep getting sucked back into the past. Unhealthy. But I can’t help it. My mind desperately seeks some reference point for things being different.

I need that reminder that it wasn’t always this way. I wasn’t always this afraid. Or hopeless. Or uninterested in life. I was content to live in the moment, to experience, without all the fears holding me back.

My hopes didn’t even have to consist of anything that specific. It was more a general attitude. Things would work out. I would find my way. I would find out where I needed to be.

I never fully believed in the God that I was taught about – who […]

I wish I hadn’t let myself get so fucked up. I wish the world wasn’t so fucked up

It could have been good. I could have been good. I still believe that. A few different variables, a few small decisions, and I might not have ended up here, twisted beyond belief. I hate what I am, but I can’t go back. It’s disgusting, but I can’t close this door I’ve opened in my mind. I can’t stop picking at it in fascination. I can’t overcome this part of myself. It’s too strong, and it will always find a way back in control.

I don’t want to be this […]

I don’t believe I have multiple personalities. I’m not Jekyll/Hyde, however much I may feel like it. It’s all ‘me’. But different parts of me want irreconcilable things, and neither is content when the others in charge.

Part of me just wants to be a complete asshole – using everyone for my own ends, without thinking about anyone’s feelings. The other part wants to be a decent person – even if it’s for selfish reasons. It wants to be someone who can really be honest with others, without having to hide the terrible truth.

When asshole me is in charge, the short term highs that it enjoys are […]

I don’t want to be this anymore. It hurts so much, seeing life pass me by, knowing that I can’t connect. Seeing how good things could be, if only I wasn’t so twisted.

Every time I see something I want from life, I get a little rush. My brain tells me ‘Yes! That’s what we need!’ And then the despair overwhelms me as I realize ‘No. It can’t work. That life is not for me.’

So I’m left trying to invest meaning in the hollow addictive cycles I’ve developed. Trying to numb myself to the pain of it. The regret. The self-hatred. The despair.

And just when I’ve managed […]

I’m tired of myself. Not my life, or circumstances, but me. Having the thoughts and feelings that I do. Trying to be different doesn’t work though, because it’s the same self that’s doing the trying. No matter how elaborate the plans, I will find a way to self-sabotage. In the end, the same old patterns of thinking will assert control. I can’t stop myself from making myself miserable.

I’m too broken, in the way I approach and react to the world. I don’t have the capacity necessary to function. I don’t have it within me to be content.

I need a personality reset. Return to factory conditions. […]

There’s so many things I could be doing. So much I should be doing. But why bother? I don’t see any payoff. If I try really hard, and give it my best shot, I can at least fail respectably. I can get the participation award of life. But what’s the fucking point? How worthwhile is that going to be?

I should be planning an exit. But even that feels like pointless work. So much effort, simply to end existence. To return to the mud and shit from whence I came. To prove once and for all that it was all for nothing.

Nothing is worthwhile. Nothing matters. There’s just effort, […]

A lot of the time I feel I need something to be happy. Like it’s an essential part of life itself – the only meaningful thing. And when I can’t see any way it could possibly work out for me, I feel that continuing to live is pointless.

But maybe that’s a a delusion. Perhaps there’s a way to be perfectly happy with just the basics of life – food, water, oxygen. Maybe that’s what I should be concentrating on – ending the feeling of wanting/needing something more.

There’s much discussion among experts on depression of psychological and social needs. But are any of them really essential? Or are they […]

Drinking during the day – not normally a good sign. But this time, it gave me a brief sense of peace. Usually, alcohol just makes me tired, or queasy, or both. But for whatever reason, this one time, it gave me that sense of distance I’m subconsciously looking for whenever I drink. It’s wearing off now, but for a couple of hours, I remembered what it was like to experience the world without this nagging anxiety drowning out everything.

It’s not like all my problems just disappeared, and I was still vaguely aware of all the ways I’m fucked. But for a short while, I had enough […]

Actually, make that 20. But I’ve spent the last 10 essentially hiding from the world. Sure, I’ve done bits of work. A fair amount of volunteering. A tiny bit of socializing. Even some education. But mostly, I’ve just been hiding in my room, trying to escape the way I feel about myself.

If you’ve dug yourself a hole too deep to climb out of, you stop digging, right? I don’t want to waste another 10 feeling like this. But I can’t see how to move forward.

Now if I was older when I began my isolation, that might not be such an issue. I would already have the […]

How do you deal with the sheer fucking sadness of it all? I’m tired of trying to numb my awareness of it. There’s so much potential for good in the world that just gets crushed, for the stupidest random reasons. How do you make yourself ok with that? Without on some level denying that these are real people, with hopes and dreams. That they are you, just a little further down the road. It’s such a fucking shame, all of it. Such a waste. And there’s so little any of us can do about it.

How do you make yourself ok with that, without living in denial? […]