thehusk

I’m so tired of resigning myself to this bullshit. The world is fucked, and I’m too fucked up to make anything worthwhile from it. I want it all gone. All these thoughts, memories, feelings. I want to fall asleep and wake up somewhere different, and realize that it was all a bad dream.

But it wasn’t. It all happened. It’s who I am. It’s real. And I can’t forget. I can’t wipe it from my mind. It’s there, eating away at me, 24/7. And I’m so sick of it.

I want peace. I want to sleep for a thousand years. I want an injection of serenity that […]

I was 17 when I first heard this song, over a decade ago. I was on holiday at the time, and had been up all night reading. The sun was rising, and framed by the window was a distant hill, with a single, solitary tree. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s the closest I’ve come to a ‘spiritual’ experience.

I think it had something to do with gratitude. With the idea of being grateful for your experience, even though it had been painful. That loss and pain and loneliness could still be beautiful, no matter how much I wanted to avoid them. That ultimately, it was […]

Waking up with no hope, feeling like crap. Not enough sleep. Utterly alone. No real purpose in life. Just more grinding tediousness. Trying to convince myself that at some point, it will all be worth it. Getting stuck on all the obstacles I’ve created for myself. Full of sadness, regret, and self-hatred. I want to go back, to when the world still seemed interesting. To when the future was distant and alluring, rather than here and devastating. When I was still capable of thinking new thoughts, feeling new experiences. When I was unaware of all the shit. When I wasn’t so fucking numbed to it […]

When you know you’re not ready to go, but it’s too late in the day to start doing anything constructive. And you have no energy left anyway. You’re exhausted. But you can’t let go. You can’t sleep. Because things are so wrong, when they could’ve been so good. And you can’t just accept it. You’re too tired to put things in perspective. So you’re trapped with this awfulness in your head. And even if you do sleep, it follows you into your dreams.

All you want is escape. To really forget everything you’ve lost. How alone you are. How hopeless you feel. You want to be somebody else, just […]

To all those I’ve wronged (most of whom I’ve never met.)

Please believe that it says nothing about you.

All it reflects is my own weakness.

And though you may carry scars, they are not what others see.

When they see the real you.

–

To all those I’ve failed.

Please know that someone more adequate is waiting, just around the corner.

To give you what you really need.

Though you may have to look closely, to check it’s really them.

I wish it could’ve been me, but it wasn’t.

I was just […]

Where does it come from, that feeling that life should hold more significance than it actually does? That I should be more than I am? Too many stories, perhaps. Too many books, movies, shows and songs. So many ideas about what life should be. ‘You think too much.’

Why should it be so terrible to admit that I’m just a weak, isolated ape, ill-adjusted to it’s environment, too poorly socialized to properly fit into the tribe? Why should there be anything more to it? Why not just get on with failing or succeeding in the struggle for genetic replication? Why this feeling that both are somehow unsatisfactory?

‘Get […]

Why am I still here? The next moment. The next rush. A new piece of music. An elaborate plan. The latest fantasy. Regrets for a life misspent. Nostalgia for wasted youth. Memories. A fresh landscape. A beautiful view. Delusions of grandeur. Impossible dreams. Attachment. Optimism bias. Narcissism. Force of habit. Survival instinct. Nothing tangible. Nothing real.

Somehow these overcome the totality of my lived experience: Overwhelming fear. Immortal worms in my guts. Running on empty. Insane loneliness. Cold sweat. Despair. Shame that reaches to my core. An insatiable hunger. Stains that cannot be expunged. Decay, day by day. Itches that cannot be scratched. Forever watching from the sidelines. […]

It’s so funny, the way we see ourselves and each other. What appears to one outsider as a sparkling star full of wonder and promise is to the insider a worthless inadequate tortured with self-doubt and despair. What looks like someone flying high externally is perceived as plummeting to earth internally. There’s always someone below you, looking up, thinking ‘God, if only I could live like that. What the hell are they complaining about!’ So much talent, beauty, & goodness, all going to waste because you think you’re not good enough.

If only we could share these positive views of each other. But we can’t. Not really. We’re each trapped […]

Life is out there. And I want to live. In theory. But there’s been something holding me back, for so long now. Being around other people never feels right. I hate it. I feel so worthless. The worst person in the world. Something unpleasant on someone’s shoe. Like I’m just being tolerated because no one wants to be unkind.

And no amount of positive or rational thinking has ever really touched this feeling. Nothing ever feels right. I never really feel a connection. With anyone. There’s only ever the tantalizing hint of it, before it gets squashed.

Everything is artificial. Contrived. It’s all an effort to pretend […]

The things that have meaning for me all feel out of reach. So they’re there, seeming amazing and exciting and worthwhile. But they’re not for me. They’re for those with different life experiences, aptitudes, personalities, bodies. Those with the ability to live in the moment and not analyze every single tiny thing. Those not gripped by fear.

The reward part of me says ‘yes, see, life has meaning, do something to get there!’. The execution part of my brain says ‘right….how exactly? How are we going to get there, when we can’t even go to a supermarket without being consumed by anxiety? Even if we could […]

I’ve been thinking about returning to therapy for ages. Not that I think it would really resolve my underlying issues, or that I’m ready to change. But I’m so tired of being alone with all this going round and round in my head. I just want to talk to someone and know that they really understand, even if there’s things I can’t talk about, without judgement. It would be nice to have someone on my side, even if I had to pay them to be on my side. Someone who can keep track of my endlessly revolving cycle of thoughts, and maybe give a little input, […]

I often feel like I should kill myself. Not that I necessarily want to, or that it would be a ‘good idea’, but that I should, morally speaking. Taking into account the things I’ve done in my life, and who I am a person, it seems like the only answer. When I think about people who I’ve respected and admired, and what they would tell me to do with the mess I’ve made of my life, it’s the only answer I come up with. There’s no way to make things right. There’s no way to make myself right with society. There’s no way back, to return […]

It’s hard to admit that you need something from another person. That you’re not sufficient, in yourself. It makes you vulnerable. It means recognizing that you’re not the master of your own emotions. At your core, you’re as weak, and dependent, and comical as any being on this planet. Just an ape, desperately seeking comfort in the familiar.

Much of modern thought is built on the denial of this reality. We like to think we can transcend our primal selves through self-control and societal structure. But all it really does is complicate things. By concentrating on the elaborate means of achieving superficial success, we can forget the […]

I have these ideas of how life should be. How reality should work. Too much time spent watching tv. It doesn’t work like that. There is no ‘suddenly’ moment where everything falls into place. There is no happy ever after. My experience has shown me that time and time again. And yet still, I keep trying to see the world that way. Looking for that thing that will make it all seem meaningful again. It’s pathetic.

There is nothing that can make life meaningful. Either you feel it, or you don’t. I’m so tired of trying (and failing) to keep it together, when I don’t feel […]

It’s funny how scared I am of the feeling that nothing really matters. I just have to be invested in something, committed in my mind or…what? Life will still go on. I’ll keep on eating, sleeping, and repeating until my circumstances fall apart. But something about that kind of existence just seems utterly terrifying.

I suppose it’s a survival instinct. I have to have motivation to push me to do things that will aid survival long term. I have to believe that it matters.

But sometimes it’s just gone. And all that’s left is the fear. Nothing matters, and yet somehow it matters that nothing matters.

I feel so alone. And scared. Even when I’m with my loving family, making not very funny jokes. When we’re drinking holiday drinks, and relaxing. I think it’s the small talk that gets to me. For them it’s just small talk. For me it’s all I have. It’s a reminder that I can never be real, with anyone. I can’t ever say what I’m really thinking – because it’s terrible, and it would either destroy them or me.

I’m an awful person. But I’m attached to my own awfulness. The idea of letting go of it, of somehow changing how my mind works –  it just feels […]

If you’re bored then you’re boring. In my case, probably true. But there it is.

Having attempted to cut out all the things in life that make me anxious (mostly involving other people), I find it incredibly hard to invest anything with meaning or significance.

I’m not sure why that’s so terrifying. But it is. The idea of being in a world where everything is just tedious and empty seems unbearable. Maybe it’s a survival thing. I need some kind of motivation to push me to do things that’ll increase my life chances in the long term. But it’s just not there. I should care. It feels […]

On the rare occasions I’m around other people for any length of time, I get consumed by a feeling that’s hard to describe. There’s a lot of sadness in there, along with regret, shame, and self-hatred. But also a kind of longing. It grips me, and pulls me out of whatever I’m doing. ‘Something must be done’, it insists. ‘Something has gone terribly wrong.’

But I know that there’s nothing to be done, except move forward. There’s no way to return to childhood, and change the decisions I made. This is not Groundhog Day. There are no do overs. Run the tape again, and I would […]

This probably won’t be about what’s really on my mind, since authentic self-expression seems impossible. Everything is presentation. Games I don’t even realize I’m playing, to shield myself from the truth. My words are too crude to represent thoughts that are too simple to summarize feelings. In trying make things coherent the vital content slips away. But anyway.

I’m tired of me. Of my thoughts. Change my ways of thinking! But the me changing my ways of thinking is directly influenced by my current ways of thinking. I just end up coming back to the same old place. Change of self follows change in circumstance. It always […]

I deserve this. But it doesn’t make it any easier to take. I don’t know how to live without hope. I’m just too selfish. I can’t seek all my purpose in the happiness of others. That’s what I should do. But the mind will not comply. It keeps asking ‘what’s in it for me?’ And there’s nothing real left in life for me anymore. I’m completely lost. I’m beyond redemption. Beyond connection.

There are very few things that are truly unforgivable. But once you cross that line, there’s no way back. It changes who you are. To everyone. To yourself. And there’s no way to make it ok. […]