When it comes down to it, I’m pretty fucking shallow. Sex is at the root of all my thought processes. Be it doing things to distract myself from the fact that I’m not getting any, to trying to planning ways to make myself more attractive or increase my self-confidence, ultimately, it’s all about sex. It’s the only thing that really means anything to me, deep down. It’s not that I don’t want an emotional connection. But I think for me, subconsciously, that’s just a slightly more complicated/less primal path to dependable sex. Maybe everyone’s like that underneath. I don’t know. It makes sense to me, given our evolutionary […]
I’ve been caught in this loop for so long, going round and round in my own head. I can’t see any way to live a decent or meaningful life. I don’t think I’m capable of making a real connection with anyone. I can’t see any way of making who I am, and what I’ve done, ok with the world. It feels like I shouldn’t exist. If there’s no way to find peace, or happiness, or contentment, or connection with others, then surely it’s better to end it. To put myself out of my own misery.
But how could I do that to my family? I think […]
I spend most of each day wanting. And thinking that if only I could get what I want, then everything would be ok. Trying to figure out some way through to it. But even if I somehow magically got what I want, I can’t see how I’d be able to enjoy it. Happiness, contentment, peace, love – it’s all just ideas to me at this point. I don’t know if they’re real for anyone, let alone someone as fucked up as me.
I’m a failure in every conceivable metric you could measure by – morally, socially, economically . I have done nothing of significant value in […]
Some things can’t be forgiven. But if there’s no way you can be forgiven, then why try to be better? Part of me wants to. Part of me doesn’t want to see any more suffering in the world. Doesn’t want to feel complicit in it anymore. But another part of me just doesn’t care. It’s willing to do anything in the attempt to drown out this feeling of wrongness.
And I regularly flip between these two aspects of myself. At some point I just give up. Maybe it’s an addiction. But I think maybe a more accurate way to describe it is a failure to deal with […]
What the fuck am I doing here? I keep asking myself that. I’ve lost it again – that thin veneer of twisted illusion and compulsive behavior that I use to shield myself from the truth. There’s no way to make the things I’ve done, and the things I am, ok. I will never again have a genuine interaction with another person. I will always have to pretend, with everybody, aware that if they really knew me, they would be repulsed. Nobody will like me for who I am, ever. I miss that feeling. The hope that who you are really matters to someone else. Love. […]
My mind keeps getting hung up on the idea of being in a relationship. I want so badly to not feel this loneliness anymore. For there to be someone who cares for me as I actually am. Who I can be honest with, and talk to, without this crushing fear. To be able to care for someone else, and make them happy. To share your life experiences with another person. Emotional intimacy.
Of course, opening yourself to any relationship means risking rejection. But for me, rejection feels like a certainty, every time. I can’t see any way I could maintain a relationship without a huge amount […]
There are some things you just can’t talk about. Or, even if you do, there’s no way to make them ok. Things that isolate you from everyone around you. That no one can really understand. Or accept. That you can’t accept about yourself.
So you’re all alone, tormenting yourself. Every little thing tips you over the edge. Because a large part of you knows you shouldn’t exist. And the rest of your mind is using all your energy desperately trying to distract you from that realization. Trying to manufacture meaning where the traditional foundations have been swept away.
I would get drunk, but there’s no alcohol in […]
This post isn’t about suicide. I just want to get some stuff out of my head, and I have no one I can talk to.
I am driven primarily by selfish desires. Maybe we all are, to some extent. But for me, I feel like they’re largely out of reach. I can come up with many different strategies to get closer to what I want, but the goal never feels quite real. Maybe part of me knows that it’s unrealistic. Or maybe I think deep down that even if I get it, it won’t make me happy. I have these desires, and I think that if only […]
I want not to feel this anymore. I want the awareness to be gone. The anger and resentment. The self-hatred and disgust. The envy and jealousy . Regret. The feeling of inferiority. The incredible loneliness. The feeling that I should not exist. That the world would be better off without me. That there’s nothing for me here but pain. That I’m incapable of happiness, contentment, or peace. Despair. I want it all gone from my mind.
Unfortunately, that would mean eliminating myself. No thoughts, no feelings, sensations, awareness. No potential, possibilities, plans, or hopes. No self. Just another bunch of nutrients breaking down and becoming part […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fa2di-CqxQ
Hear the storm rising again,
And I am just a grain of sand.
I am a terrible person. That’s not hyperbole, or self-esteem issues. It’s just fact. The things I want from life are incredibly shallow and superficial, and when it becomes clear that I can’t have them, I want to give up. I don’t really care about anyone or anything. I don’t want to make the effort to get to know people, or build relationships. I don’t care. If it’s not going to lead to my incredibly narrow idea of what life should be, then fuck it. So all I’m doing by being here is making myself miserable.
But I hate the thought of my family finding out […]
It’s funny, the things that can give you a feeling of peace with the world. The combinations of circumstances and thoughts that can come together to give you the sense that everything is ok. That’s happiness. And it may only last for a few moments, or hours, or days. But the memory of it spreads out over the rest of your life. And for a while, you can revisit that feeling, even when things are tough. It gives your life meaning. It makes you think that there’s something there worth striving for. That if you can get through this things will be good again.
But when you […]
Every time I get I reminder of who I am and what I’ve done, it drags me down into a pit of fear. In order to function to any extent, I have to push the knowledge back, and make it somehow unreal. I have to disassociate. But I can’t maintain that. Every day something will trigger the reality to suck me back down.
I don’t know how to be ok with that reality. I have no idea how anyone could be ok with it. So I can’t just put it to one side. It’s like a splinter in my mind, burrowing it’s way back to the […]
All we can do is decide how we want to respond to the reality we perceive. We can’t change our past. We can’t choose the state our bodies are in. We can’t control the emotions we feel (no matter how many people try to insist otherwise.) We can’t control the society we live in or the planet we live on. We do not get a say in the laws of nature. But we can decide how we want to respond to all these things.
So, how do I want to respond? Right now, I just don’t know. I’m full of conflicting emotions.
A lot of sadness and […]
I’m so tired of wanting, yet having no motivation to pursue the things I want. Maybe it’s because the things I want are unrealistic.
I just want it to stop. I want me to stop. I don’t want these thoughts in my head anymore. I don’t want these feelings. I don’t want this awareness of reality.
I want peace. Maybe it’s time to start making plans.
I wish there was some consistency to my thinking. I’m so tired of trying to believe two contradictory things at once. How could I kill myself? How could I do that to my family, who’ve given so much for me? But then how could I not? How could I go on living with so much shame? How could I go on living with the knowledge of what I am? How can I go on living when it’s not within me to be content with reality?
To live or die is a choice. But I don’t know how to make that choice. There’s too many conflicting emotions […]
I keep finding myself looking back at the past, full of regret. If only I’d been a bit more brave, a bit more outgoing. All of this could have been avoided. I could’ve had a worthwhile life.
But the truth is, there were reasons for every single choice I made. I wasn’t free to just disregard my crippling fear, and jump into situations I perceived as hostile.
It’s possible things could’ve turned out differently, if the universe had been different. But every choice I made was formed long before I became aware of it. And given the circumstances, and who I was at the time, it was […]
I’ve written variations on this before, but it’s on my mind again.
For reasons I won’t go into, the kind of relationships I want with other people are beyond my grasp. The fulfillment that many get from partners, family, friends etc. isn’t really open to me. I think this is the main root of my anxiety. My brain desperately tries to work out some way to find what I want, but it can’t. So I turn to various compulsive behaviors to try and fill the absence of purpose this leaves. But nothing really satisfies, and ultimately I realize that it’s all empty to me. Which leaves me […]
I’m pretty damn shallow. Horribly so. Which is probably what comes from spending more time watching tv than with real people. Anyway…
The things in life I deem meaningful are beyond me. They are for other people. Those less fucked up. My family, distant relatives, former friends, past acquaintances. Anyone with their shit together and a relatively clear conscience.
So what now? I should dedicate my life to helping others find the happiness that I can’t. But I’m far too selfish for that. My mind just won’t let go of the impossible. I ultimately don’t care about anyone but myself. Why should anyone else be happy if I […]
I can’t be this anymore. I need to be someone else. Someone who didn’t waste all his formative years. Who can stand being around other people. Who can maintain social links without hating himself. Who has some semblance of a life.
There are so many things I should’ve done. And so many things I shouldn’t.
I just can’t face the shame. I’m always terrified of other people seeing that I’m such a pathetic, selfish coward. That I’ve just hidden away for so many years, and allowed others to take on my responsibilities.
But turning it all around – I just don’t know how. Whenever I have to face up […]