thehusk

For so long my life has been about trying to escape from how I feel from moment to moment. Because something always feels wrong. I feel so utterly alone. And scared. And full of self-loathing. And so, so tired. I don’t think I’ve slept properly for 10 years. On top of which there’s all the little physical things – my stomach and skin issues, back pain etc. There’s always something gnawing away at me – either in my mind or my body.

I’ve never worked out a way to tolerate feeling like this for an extended time. It seems unbearable, and I end up desperate for a […]

It’s hard to know how much of my experience is a product of my own neurosis, and how much is just a general part of the human condition.

I want too many things. Impossible, contradictory things. Things I know wouldn’t make me happy. And things I somehow know would, despite the fact that I can’t quite articulate what they consist of, or whether they really exist.

The takeaway would seem to be that my emotions aren’t a trustworthy guide to anything. They’re elusive, fickle, and fade away whenever they’re followed.

It would seem that we’re all just chains of elusive feelings, desperately clinging on to dreams that can never be satisfied. […]

Message to self:

What am I doing here? It seems like this world has no future. And I don’t have the ability to save it. I’m not sure anyone does. It’s too much for any one person to take in. And not enough people are even prepared to face the problems. The worlds smartest and brightest are consumed with petty bullshit, hiding their heads in the sand. Everyone pays lip service to the real issues, without really dedicating themselves to tackling them. I should do something, but anything I do will be tokenistic and pointless.

And I’m not even a good person. I’m a fucking terrible person. I shouldn’t […]

It’s a shame. And I’m ashamed. That pretty much sums it up.

There’s so much potential in life. So much beauty. Such possibility for positive experience. But it just gets fucked up.

Partly it’s the world. Illness, aging, deprivation, and natural disaster all hamper our ability to enjoy what’s around us.

But partly it’s us. By which I mean me, and people like me. Those who just won’t accept the imperfections of the world, and make the best of it. Who resent the world for not fulfilling their needs, and grow twisted. Who hold grudges, and take them out on anyone they can.

Some people just can’t let go. They keep […]

It’s funny, when your mind fixates on something that you rationally know is hopeless. You keep telling yourself ‘if only’, but give it a moments thought and you’ll see that it’s never going to work.

I’ve spent the majority of my life fixated on an illusion. Something that for a brief time felt so good, and so right, that it’s cast a shadow ever since. And however much I tell myself that it wasn’t real, and to let it go, my mind still clings to it. It keeps telling me that that is the only way to be happy. Even though I know that it’s an […]

There’s no way to make things ok. That’s not just me being defeatist. Sure, I’m depressed, but there are reasons. Some things you just can’t make right. Some sins are too terrible to redeem.

I don’t want to live like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about myself anymore. I don’t want to feel this way about the world anymore. I just want it all to go away.

The last 10 years of my life have been me running from the truth.

I’m scared of death. While there’s life, there’s possibility. Except there’s no possibility of me ever being happy. Not really. I’m alone, even […]

When it comes down to it, I’m pretty fucking shallow. Sex is at the root of all my thought processes. Be it doing things to distract myself from the fact that I’m not getting any, to trying to planning ways to make myself more attractive or increase my self-confidence, ultimately, it’s all about sex. It’s the only thing that really means anything to me, deep down. It’s not that I don’t want an emotional connection. But I think for me, subconsciously, that’s just a slightly more complicated/less primal path to dependable sex. Maybe everyone’s like that underneath. I don’t know. It makes sense to me, given our evolutionary […]

I’ve been caught in this loop for so long, going round and round in my own head. I can’t see any way to live a decent or meaningful life. I don’t think I’m capable of making a real connection with anyone. I can’t see any way of making who I am, and what I’ve done, ok with the world. It feels like I shouldn’t exist. If there’s no way to find peace, or happiness, or contentment, or connection with others, then surely it’s better to end it. To put myself out of my own misery.

But how could I do that to my family? I think […]

I spend most of each day wanting. And thinking that if only I could get what I want, then everything would be ok. Trying to figure out some way through to it. But even if I somehow magically got what I want, I can’t see how I’d be able to enjoy it. Happiness, contentment, peace, love – it’s all just ideas to me at this point. I don’t know if they’re real for anyone, let alone someone as fucked up as me.

I’m a failure in every conceivable metric you could measure by – morally, socially, economically . I have done nothing of significant value in […]

Some things can’t be forgiven. But if there’s no way you can be forgiven, then why try to be better? Part of me wants to. Part of me doesn’t want to see any more suffering in the world. Doesn’t want to feel complicit in it anymore. But another part of me just doesn’t care. It’s willing to do anything in the attempt  to drown out this feeling of wrongness.

And I regularly flip between these two aspects of myself. At some point I just give up. Maybe it’s an addiction. But I think maybe a more accurate way to describe it is a failure to deal with […]

What the fuck am I doing here? I keep asking myself that. I’ve lost it again – that thin veneer of twisted illusion and compulsive behavior that I use to shield myself from the truth. There’s no way to make the things I’ve done, and the things I am, ok. I will never again have a genuine interaction with another person. I will always have to pretend, with everybody, aware that if they really knew me, they would be repulsed. Nobody will like me for who I am, ever. I miss that feeling. The hope that who you are really matters to someone else. Love. […]

My mind keeps getting hung up on the idea of being in a relationship. I want so badly to not feel this loneliness anymore. For there to be someone who cares for me as I actually am. Who I can be honest with, and talk to, without this crushing fear. To be able to care for someone else, and make them happy. To share your life experiences with another person. Emotional intimacy.

Of course, opening yourself to any relationship means risking rejection. But for me, rejection feels like a certainty, every time. I can’t see any way I could maintain a relationship without a huge amount […]

There are some things you just can’t talk about. Or, even if you do, there’s no way to make them ok. Things that isolate you from everyone around you. That no one can really understand. Or accept. That you can’t accept about yourself.

So you’re all alone, tormenting yourself. Every little thing tips you over the edge. Because a large part of you knows you shouldn’t exist. And the rest of your mind is using all your energy desperately trying to distract you from that realization. Trying to manufacture meaning where the traditional foundations have been swept away.

I would get drunk, but there’s no alcohol in […]

This post isn’t about suicide. I just want to get some stuff out of my head, and I have no one I can talk to.

I am driven primarily by selfish desires. Maybe we all are, to some extent. But for me, I feel like they’re largely out of reach. I can come up with many different strategies to get closer to what I want, but the goal never feels quite real. Maybe part of me knows that it’s unrealistic. Or maybe I think deep down that even if I get it, it won’t make me happy. I have these desires, and I think that if only […]

I want not to feel this anymore. I want the awareness to be gone. The anger and resentment. The self-hatred and disgust. The envy and jealousy . Regret. The feeling of inferiority. The incredible loneliness. The feeling that I should not exist. That the world would be better off without me. That there’s nothing for me here but pain. That I’m incapable of happiness, contentment, or peace. Despair. I want it all gone from my mind.

Unfortunately, that would mean eliminating myself. No thoughts, no feelings, sensations, awareness. No potential, possibilities, plans, or hopes. No self. Just another bunch of nutrients breaking down and becoming part […]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fa2di-CqxQ

Hear the storm rising again,

And I am just a grain of sand.

I am a terrible person. That’s not hyperbole, or self-esteem issues. It’s just fact. The things I want from life are incredibly shallow and superficial, and when it becomes clear that I can’t have them, I want to give up. I don’t really care about anyone or anything. I don’t want to make the effort to get to know people, or build relationships. I don’t care. If it’s not going to lead to my incredibly narrow idea of what life should be, then fuck it. So all I’m doing by being here is making myself miserable.

But I hate the thought of my family finding out […]

It’s funny, the things that can give you a feeling of peace with the world. The combinations of circumstances and thoughts that can come together to give you the sense that everything is ok. That’s happiness. And it may only last for a few moments, or hours, or days. But the memory of it spreads out over the rest of your life. And for a while, you can revisit that feeling, even when things are tough. It gives your life meaning. It makes you think that there’s something there worth striving for. That if you can get through this things will be good again.

But when you […]

Every time I get I reminder of who I am and what I’ve done, it drags me down into a pit of fear. In order to function to any extent, I have to push the knowledge back, and make it somehow unreal. I have to disassociate. But I can’t maintain that. Every day something will trigger the reality to suck me back down.

I don’t know how to be ok with that reality. I have no idea how anyone could be ok with it. So I can’t just put it to one side. It’s like a splinter in my mind, burrowing it’s way back to the […]

All we can do is decide how we want to respond to the reality we perceive. We can’t change our past. We can’t choose the state our bodies are in. We can’t control the emotions we feel (no matter how many people try to insist otherwise.) We can’t control the society we live in or the planet we live on. We do not get a say in the laws of nature. But we can decide how we want to respond to all these things.

So, how do I want to respond? Right now, I just don’t know. I’m full of conflicting emotions.

A lot of sadness and […]