Author

Trix

To wake

by Trix 10/9/2015

written by Trix

I don’t have anything new to say and I’m not looking for any advice… I feel like I’m posting too much. I just needed to write.

Hope everyone is doing okay today. Feel free to skip over my post and rant about it in the comments if you’re not.

Earlier my mum said she feels like she hardly sees me, because she’s been out a lot. I said it isn’t ideal that I’m spending so much time in the house, but it’s okay, I’m fine… I’m starting to realise how severely it’s affecting me.

It has its upsides. I’ve been in more pain lately, but it often disappears […]

10/9/2015 12 comments

“Breathe into my hands”

by Trix 10/8/2015

written by Trix

The days are made up of small moments. Today’s best moments come when I walk into the other room and the sun falls on my face. The worst moments come when I climb back into bed, moaning from the pain. Some moments are lighter: they’re surreal, empty, clouded, but the depression has lifted just slightly. Others are agony, like fresh knife wounds… some are in between. It’s a mess of drowning and rising, but never quite breathing.

Derealisation has been on my mind a lot. Because of a couple of clearer moments I’ve had recently, I’ve convinced myself that it’s possible for the cloak over reality […]

10/8/2015 20 comments

Dissociation

by Trix 10/5/2015

written by Trix

This site has been helping me so much. Thank you all again. I don’t want I’m trying to say in this post. I just want to post. I’m finding writing difficult today, so it might not make much sense.

I feel like I’m breaking. I don’t want to keep saying the same things over and over. Things are just worse right now. Depression is agony. Any coping tips you use, relaxation videos, $10,000 treatment programs you’re selling, etc, would be greatly appreciated. I’m still practicing meditation and it’s been helping more and more, but these past few days have been so painful. Any addition to what […]

10/5/2015 15 comments

Divided

by Trix 10/4/2015

written by Trix

What do you do when you’re divided into two again? When the part that wants to wait and fight is barely heard, and the other part wakes? When you can’t understand the words coming from your mouth… when everything is a blur of colours, noise, confusion and pain, and you stop believing you have the ability to make it end. Do you keep fighting for a forgotten world? Should you be afraid that you’re glimpsing into a past world where control belonged to something else in your mind? Do you listen? It’s like something sharing your mind, some dark, twisted thing, is alive again. It’s […]

10/4/2015 47 comments

Wishing, waiting

by Trix 10/2/2015

written by Trix

I’m trying to remind myself that I’m still that small bit calmer than usual. Things have changed; they’re still better. I’m still trying. I’m not sinking as fast or easily as I used to.

But I’m falling… The depression is agonising. I’m exhausted. My muscles are heavy, uncomfortable and sore. My mind is the same. I’m tired of closing myself off from the world. I’m tired of choosing between letting in the sunlight or being able to think slightly more clearly. It’s so sad to think that I’ve reached a point when a single car journey can set off all my ME/CFS symptoms and leave me […]

10/2/2015 31 comments

Dear you

by Trix 9/29/2015

written by Trix

Since my last post I wanted to write one for some of the people here. This is mostly for people I’ve crossed paths with in the comments recently, but I appreciate everyone here. We might not have talked, but many people here have become very valuable to me.

I don’t know where to start… over the last couple of days I’ve been feeling several times that my depression has lifted. It’s a very gentle, subtle lift, but this is something that hasn’t happened to me for years. I’ve been much, much better physically the past couple of days (it changes dramatically from one day, hour, minute […]

9/29/2015 18 comments

Depression

by Trix 9/27/2015

written by Trix

Today has been painful.

Every time I came out of my darkened room the light made me ill within 5-10 minutes. Each time it happened I made my way back to bed, hardly able to walk. Talking to my mum made me ill. Every time we talked for five minutes I’d have to lie down, confused, with my body aching all over. Any sensory stimulation makes me worse. I think I could cope with all the physical effects of illness if I wasn’t already severely depressed, although the way it affects my brain feels unbearable.

All day I’ve been looking forward to the eclipse, but because of […]

9/27/2015 25 comments

Another autumn

by Trix 9/14/2015

written by Trix

I wish I could hear him say:
‘I’m with (her) and happy.
You’re forgiven for being a ****.
I’ve changed.
I’m alive. Are you?’

If he’d changed things, I could let go.

If I didn’t think of him, the depression wouldn’t be as painful – but that’s what’s bringing me back here. Remembering feeds the depression each time it gets worse. Before that, it was getting easier.

I’m getting more suicidal. I can’t and won’t kill myself, so I just have to try to accept it and work around it.

I can’t sleep again. I think I’m getting ill. I’m too hot and cold.

I crashed again today and came […]

9/14/2015 2 comments

Rant… rant…

by Trix 9/7/2015

written by Trix

I feel like if I could just feel happy sometimes, I could make it happen more often. Is there anyone else who hardly remembers being happy? I have better times, but they’re still painful. I still feel virtually powerless over my depression. I feel like I should have it figured out by now. It’s been years.

I looked in the mirror earlier, and apart from the walking stick and dressing gown, I looked like an ordinary healthy person. Some days I can function almost completely normally, and I think I must have been exaggerating – I hardly remember what the worst days were like. But it […]

9/7/2015 7 comments

Sarin

by Trix 9/5/2015

written by Trix

It’s only been a couple of weeks since we stopped talking and it already feels like months. I feel so lonely now, but overall it’s easier this way. I think about the things that happened a bit less all the time, and I’m not waiting for your emails. But I still think about you every day. I miss the things you said so much. I think about everything bad that happened, and all the reasons our relationship was crumbling away, why it ended and why I shouldn’t get back in touch with you. And I remember all the things you said when we first met. […]

9/5/2015 12 comments

Mindfulness

by Trix 9/4/2015

written by Trix

Hey everyone, sorry for the ramble –

Has anyone here overcome (at least in part) anxiety or depression through mindfulness and meditation?

I’ve tried to practice them in the past but for the past few years I’ve been in a constant state of anxiety/panic, and it’s so difficult that I’ve never really kept it up. Since I’ve had ME I’ve been more eager to try – it’s a lot harder now to distract myself from depression and anxiety. I’ve also come across some methods people have used to cure their physical symptoms using their minds, so it seems more important than ever that I gain some control […]

9/4/2015 9 comments

It’s strange to be back here…

by Trix 8/29/2015

written by Trix

and see people delete their posts and accounts,

people fade away or suddenly disappear,

arguments and long, carefully written comments left just to show someone they care.

Something’s been rising in my head again, and reading through this site makes it more alive. It makes suicide seem more possible. That seems dangerous to me now, but it’s also a relief to be somewhere where it’s not something you have to keep hidden. It’s a relief just to see it written about.

Is there anyone else here who’s been away for a while? I’ve been back from time to time but I’ve spent more time here in the past few […]

8/29/2015 17 comments

I want the loneliness to end

by Trix 9/2/2013

written by Trix

I feel like I’ve had my chance of finding someone and it’s passed. I still miss people desperately who I’ve only written to online. I don’t even know how to write to people anymore. My depression is getting worse. I think I’m growing more suicidal daily. I’m completely hopeless when it comes to methods, I don’t have courage or money. I care about people so much but right now I’m completely selfish, I just want some of the pain to end. I almost hate the people who I love the most, which is so much worse than just being distant from them. I feel like […]

9/2/2013 2 comments

If you want to talk

by Trix 6/3/2012

written by Trix

Hi,
I don’t really want to write my story here, but for a long time I’ve wanted somebody to talk with… Preferably someone older. I don’t know why; I’d just be more comfortable. 🙂 Anyway, I’d like someone to talk with, and I’ve always been too scared to ask. I have social anxiety, severe at the moment, and even online I’m badly anxious talking to people. But I’d like to be there for people who need someone to talk to, even if it’s just once, or whenever you need to vent. If you need someone to talk about anything with, I’d really like for it […]

6/3/2012 1 comment

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