I am guessing you are gone now. I haven’t heard from you in a while and know you had little rope left, needing what remained to hang from. I never learned your real name and don’t know what you looked like; I only knew you for a few weeks but we shared more in that time than most do in many years. I loved you, my friend. Truth be told, I had a big crush on you too and part of me wishes I had said so. My world was better for your having been in it and I will always remember you and thank […]
I was ready to do it, I was days away when I decided I just HAD to talk with her one last time so I put feelers out and she emailed me. We had a restrained interaction for about a week, I spilled my guts to her, she withdrew, I apologized and said I would leave her alone and then she came on like a huricane. We were in love again, she was going to leave her abusive drunk asshole husbond and we would be together agin and everything would be so fantastic and all the pain would be worth it because, in the end, […]
I’ve been feeling better these last few days. Don’t really know why. Part of it is that I have been communicating with people a little more, though only through email, and I’ve felt a little less isolated. It’s strange though, even when my mood improves a bit THAT can turn into a source of anxiety as well. I wonder when it will get bad again, wonder if I just haven’t climbed to a slightly higher perch to drop from next time. I start to dwell on this and it’s like a weight growing on my back and I can feel my limbs getting tired. If […]
I put my hand through my bathroom mirror about an hour ago. I caught a glimpse of myself and just had to punch me in the face. My hand is a bloody, mangled mess that I have wrapped up in a dirty dishcloth and some electrical tape right now. I have to say i felt better for a brief moment though.
All I do now is pace back and forth, re-imagining old conversations if I had said something different. Wondering what I could have done to make things something else. Every few seconds I just scream as loud as I can because the futility and pathetic […]
Know this guy? One of the greats. He offed himself.
http://www.learner.org/catalog/extras/vvspot/Crane.html
A Jest from the Speechless Caravan
(To the man who sold me the Brooklyn Bridge)
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“Out of some subway scuttle, cell or loft
A bedlamite speeds to thy parapets,
Tilting there momently, shrill shirt ballooning,
A jest falls from the speechless caravan.â€
 —Heart Crane
Raucous prophet of piston and steam,
Of lusty, symphonic gear and wheel;
Steeping the night in jackhammer dreams,
Why not the Bifrost road to Brooklyn?
Did water alone remain to love?
Did gravity weigh ostentatious?
Sad pilgrim of circular passage,
Seduced to the water nymph’s lethal
Kiss, honored laurite of the deep;
All is upon transformation’s edge.
Flesh surrenders to endurance but
What purpose is midwived in the deed?
What could […]
The best lies are mostly true.
We hate in others what we despise in ourselves.
I am putting a lot of thought into my pending exit from this world. I have what I need to do it and do it right. I have a departure statement that I am working on for mass consumption, to be posted on FB as a note with tags to a select group of people who will act as hubs for anyone else who needs to know and I have done my personal apologies where possible. I have figured out how to make sure I am found right away by the police and not some random sap that likely doesn’t need that kind of interruption […]
Greetings all. Getting ready to do the deed and was hoping for some feedback on my, admittedly, unconventional final remarks. I wanted to try and keep things are lighthearted as possible given the subject matter and place the blame where it belongs–myself. Iwould appreciate any thoughts. It does need to be right the first time after all.
To whom it may concern;
I doubt that many people will read this and fewer still are likely to care. That said I felt I should say something before the big recycle so here it is. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. I have decided to go the gun […]