Greetings all.Â Getting ready to do the deed and was hoping for some feedback on my, admittedly, unconventional final remarks.Â I wanted to try and keep things are lighthearted as possible given the subject matter and place the blame where it belongsâ€“myself.Â Iwould appreciate any thoughts.Â It does need to be right the first time after all.
To whom it may concern;
I doubt that many people will read this and fewer still are likely to care.Â That said I felt I should say something before the big recycle so here it is.Â Iâ€™m done.Â I canâ€™t do this anymore.Â I have decided to go the gun route since they are lying all over the place down here and there is little room for error if done properly.Â It also excludes any unpleasant Anna Karenina moment at the end.Â I donâ€™t know about you but I found that bit rather disturbing and more than a touch maudlin. Â Ending your life is something you only get to pull-off once so there is no excuse for fucking around.
First a few necessary preliminaries; WHY am I this now:
1)Â Â Â Â Â I am utterly alone and miserable, having alienated myself from everyone who may have counted themselves a friend at one time or another.
2)Â Â Â Â Â I am in excruciating agony on a more or less constant basis; physically and mentally. The headaches are getting worse and more frequent, my teeth are rotting out of my head, and I rarely sleep more than an hour or two a night. All day long I dwell on how miserable I am and how I can do nothing to change this because I am powerless to alter what I simply am: a pathetic, worthless, loser unfit for human company.Â As evidence, I site the fact that the majority of you have wanted nothing to do with me for a decade or me.Â I am NOT blaming here.Â You are to be commended for your sound judgment.Â Those of you who, for whatever reason, hung in there longer than the rest know what Iâ€™m talking about.Â Hey, you triedâ€¦
3)Â Â Â Â Â The â€œTwilightâ€ franchise has made close to a billion dollars.Â I can neither tolerate living in a world where this is possible nor sit idly by without protest in the face of it.Â Just think of me as the Buddhist monk setting himself on fire to protest the Vietnam War.Â At least some decent music came out of that mess, this shite is wholly unredeemable.
And now the wrap-up, as it were:Â These things should be terse; I have always appreciated that understatement trumps the over-wrought, and brevity is something to be valued. This is already gone on too long but among my myriad faults is my inability to leave bad enough alone.
I canâ€™t write anymore, read, or do anything to distract myself for even a few minutes at a time.Â Even something as passive as watching TV is beyond my capacities now.Â I canâ€™t go ten minutes at a stretch without being overwhelmed by paranoia and anxiety and this is only getting worse.Â I am a smoldering pile of human wreckage that can do nothing but sit here and dwell on how utterly miserable I am twenty-four hours a day and how there is no one left who gives a damn to hear it.Â I donâ€™t blame anyone but myself for that of course; the one thing I showed some skill at was fucking up and driving people off in frustration.
For those I have wronged and disappointed over the years I am earnestly sorry.Â If it offers any consolation or justice, I have suffered the most at my own hands and I leave now without the slightest self-respect or joy in my heart. If I ever felt such a thing it has long since been buried and forgotten.Â Even now, when it doesnâ€™t matter in the slightest, Iâ€™m desperately trying to remember something good in myself that would excuse my train-wreck of a life but I have to confess to drawing a blank on that score.Â For what it is worth, I honestly wanted to be a decent person.Â I just didnâ€™t have it in me.
So, I hope I made you laugh at some point along the way and that there were good times even if I canâ€™t recall them now.Â If there is any love for me still out there I have but two words: VIKING FUNERAL.
As to parting words I must beg one more unwarranted indulgence.Â Granted, formal death poems are typically done in the tanka style but then again, Iâ€™m not Japanese.Â So here it is then:
Above all men does lord the stately worm,
No king or pharaoh or padishah holds
A fiefdom as vast as the worm enfolds,
Nor commands his vassals so long a term.
He feasts of his subjectâ€™s meat and marrow,
Eating far too well to have cares of gold;
His wealth, the fruit of the earthy barrow.