My friend, lets call her Bells, was under a lot of stress at the time, emotional and physical stress, not having to do with school but with how she felt. I didn’t really know why, she never told me much less anyone, but she said she was abused and she was bullied most of the time, people called her “fat” and “ugly” etc. but she wasn’t either of those, but there was so much hate, that in blinded her. One afternoon, in Spanish, the rain was heavy on the window pane, and our teacher had us jot down ideas, and Bells started to write things […]
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ugh_sxph
ugh_sxph
You think I'm fine, because every morning I get up even thought there is an emotional weight on my chest that I bear, or because I force unwanted smiles on my face. You think I'm ok because I fake the happiness in my voice and because I plaster on a smiley face each day. You think I'm at my peak because i still sing... sad songs at least and I still draw... bad things at least. You think I'm good. But you will never know how I really feel, because every night when I slide into my cold and empty bed because you're not there anymore I think of grabbing my Dads gun from his desk and putting it to my head, snapping the trigger so god damn violently that every bone in my body shakes. I will never tell you that each time I see her car pull up in front of your house I feel a cold chill in my bones and my teeth start to chatter so intensely that I end up needing to bite down on a wooden spoon so I don't bite my tongue off. Because I will never tell you that I fall asleep screaming your name at my ceiling and trying so desperately to rip my heart out because it's starting to hurt so much it feels like I can't fucking breathe. You will never figure out that I'm starving myself to death, shoving a finger down my throat and vomiting so hard that I start to cough up blood or that I cry myself to sleep every night that in the morning my sheets are soaked with tears, sweat and blood. You will never know that I draw on my thighs and arms with something called a blade and that crimson red is my favorite color because that's all I ever see. You will never actually know in you're entire time of existence that I ended up destroying myself because of you and that I'm lying in a coffin because of you. Unlike