I feel like I’m dying inside increasingly every day. I cannot take it anymore. I have realized being suicidal is so much more than I could ever explain in words. But the thought of a failed suicide attempt is terrifying to me. The shame is too much to bear which will make me more suicidal in turn. My family doesn’t know I used to be suicidal. I mean what do I even tell them. How do I tell them I don’t want to bring them shame by unaliving myself. I also don’t want to give anyone a reason to underestimate me even more. Sometimes there […]
I’ve made a lot of progress so far but I still have a long way to go. Although I won’t think of taking any drastic steps anymore, I sometimes still find myself looking in that direction sometimes. I fear that my drastic step will cause a chain reaction, bringing more shame to my mom than ever. My brother will blame himself and might do something to himself. My mom has already tried attempting suicide decades ago. With me and my brother hypothetically gone, my mom might think she doesn’t have a purpose to be in this world anymore. So it feels like there is a […]
As of now, I am in recovery. At least I like to think so. Looking back, it crushes me to realize that didn’t know I was suicidal. So much of my suffering was spent without knowing I was suffering. Well I’m glad I know now. To give more context, I was officially diagnosed with depression in around september of 2022. So, kind of recently. But I knew I’d been depressed for a lot longer before I even got diagnosed. I’d tried everything to feel better. I consistently exercised, had a good diet, straight A student, great friends, wonderful partner, and an amazing circle in general. […]