Update on My Thoughts

I’ve made a lot of progress so far but I still have a long way to go. Although I won’t think of taking any drastic steps anymore, I sometimes still find myself looking in that direction sometimes. I fear that my drastic step will cause a chain reaction, bringing more shame to my mom than ever. My brother will blame himself and might do something to himself. My mom has already tried attempting suicide decades ago. With me and my brother hypothetically gone, my mom might think she doesn’t have a purpose to be in this world anymore. So it feels like there is a burden of “not dying” instead of the joy of staying alive. Yes, I am well aware of my privileges. All of that thought goes out the window when you’re so desperate to feel better. I’m not trying to stay in the little comfortable sad little hole I was in. Perhaps my mom could stay alive for our cat, because who will protect her if my mom ever leaves this world? I just needed a place to vent all my thoughts as sharing them with my friends might worry them and spread negative energy like a mole. I know from experience that not everyone likes being around negative energy all the time. My family has been through a lot but doesn’t necessarily accept or acknowledge the fact that they’ve all been suicidal at some point. Although at the same time, I’m too much of a coward to actually commit the deed. I wanted to die at some point but didn’t have the guts to kill my body for real. Moreover, the thought of living with a failed suicide attempt and a bunch of broken bones felt worse than suicide, so I just never did it. Every once in a while, I forget why I am doing what I am doing and start taking steps southward. But remembering about my family makes me remember why I am in this world