Of life and everything. I had a break down back in September and since then my world has fallen apart. Very soon I will be left with £38 a week to live on, and that will reduce soon enough. Life just isn’t fair. I need to feel alive otherwise what is the point in being here? I don’t enjoy anything any more. I wish I could just flip a switch and exist no more. Even my care co-ordinator has given up on me. Back to planning again – suicide isn’t easy.
WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRYING TO STOP ME FROM COMMITTING SUICIDE IF NO ONE IS GOING TO HELP ME?
I guess what makes for the best dark comedies is the twist that no one sees coming, right?
So, here I am about to take the pills I have been able to amass when I receive some good news. An advocate is going to assist me in the legal action that I am trying to bring against my brother for sexually abusing me before I was 7! This makes me happy. Someone is actually willing to give me a small hand with this shit. Be a buffer with the police, so that I don’t have to keep reliving it over and over again. Although this is […]
So, been down for a while. Then got an up phase. Felt great. Almost normal, until I tried using a knife and fork, and started thinking about work. The up phase lasted for almost 6 hours, but then came crashing down again.
If I take the meds, then I might not get the downs so bad, but as I understand it I won’t get the ups either. The worst thing is thinking “I’m coming out of this” and then falling again. So maybe taking the meds wouldn’t be so bad?
Therapy would be the answer, but as I am still waiting for my assessment I really don’t […]
Hi
Looking for some help, if that’s OK. I can go to places I have been before, no trouble in travelling there if don’t have to walk too far. But if I have to go somewhere new or speak to someone outside I really panic. Literally freeze. I cannot wait in line anywhere, and when I walk and someone walks towards me I freeze, so they walk into me. I live in London, this happens a lot. Does anyone know what I mean? Can you give me some pointers? I have to do something about this. No point in living if cannot buy myself a cake […]
So, there I am. I had a shitty couple of days and I’m standing in the queue with my shopping which consists mainly of biscuits, and suddenly the queue is getting longer. More and more people seem to be in front of me. So, I start not being able to breath. Then that’s it. I throw my shopping, and charge out of the store. WTF right? Just like that. No idea whether my shopping hit anyone, or whether I broke anything. The Crisis team pop round just to say howdy less than an hour later. They ask me if I had been able to go […]
The feelings inside, there’s no way to compare
A wall of glass, from which you may stare
At the people who are having such wonderous fun
Like summer skies and clouds chasing the sun.
Screaming and shouting and so full of glee,
Don’t bother to laugh, to share,
To join in with me.
Self-indulgent? Yep – a poem I wrote when I was 12. Funny how some things stay with you…
Following a crappy childhood full of physical mental and sexual abuse, then family member losses (unfortunately the only ones who were not abusive), and repressing it all for 30 odd years, I experienced a breakdown on 28th September. Since then I cannot think / focus on anything else but what I experienced, and how I have treated myself for years. To say that I have been obssessing about suicide is putting it lightly! Between 31/10/12 and 1/11/12 I met with 5 mental health professionals (including 3 psychiatrists) who all decided that I should have the responsibility for my own life. Well if that is not the NHS […]