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whydoiwantto

The calm before

by whydoiwantto 2/9/2017

written by whydoiwantto

I have made the decision, again. Not tonight, but soon. Somehow it beings me calmness, knowing it will all be over soon. I think of the people I run into – friends, coworkers, acquaintances, strangers – and how these will be my last interactions.

I am tired of struggling. I am no slave but I don’t feel free. I’ve struggled for so long and I don’t want to fight anymore. Strangely this brings me some peace… I have stopped crying for hours. Instead I am calm and calculating. The tears may come back but for now, I am holding on to my secret like a companion, […]

2/9/2017 1 comment

Back again

by whydoiwantto 2/6/2017

written by whydoiwantto

Hi everyone,

Not sure if anyone remembers me. I had undergone TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) for depression treatment, got sober, thought everything was fixed. But things aren’t that easy… I always knew but am only recently starting to come to terms with the fact that both depression and addiction are life long chronic diseases and that I will always have this silent passenger.

Well I’m suicidal again. Probably because I’ve been relapsing a lot. I moved across the country and went off my meds, couldn’t find a new psychiatrist, so I guess we reap what we sow. It was only a matter of time before that sick […]

2/6/2017 2 comments

Reflection

by whydoiwantto 7/28/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Hi everyone,

It’s been a couple of months since I’ve posted, which is probably a good sign. I have still been reading and lurking, but things have changed a lot for me, and I am no longer constantly filled with the anger and self hatred and suicidal impulses that drove me to post before.

What’s amazing is that the transcranial magnetic stimulation (or TMS) worked. It really worked! Wow! I still think of suicide now and then, but more of a passing curiosity, not the constant voice in your head that looks at every passing train and skyscraper and says “you should do it.” The TMS really […]

7/28/2016 1 comment

update

by whydoiwantto 6/6/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Hello friends,

I warn you that this is a very long post!! TLDR I’m feeling suicidal tonight and worrying about acting on my thoughts so thought I’d reach out but also wanted to update any interested readers as to my journey with TMS, which is why it’s so long.

Also update to the update: somehow made it through the morning and did not OD despite staring at the pills so that is a good thing. Trying to get to sleep now.

Original post:

I’m sorry I haven’t kept with my promise of updating you all as far as the TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatment. The reason I’m posting today […]

6/6/2016 1 comment

Mapping session and 1st TMS treatment

by whydoiwantto 5/20/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Hi everyone,

So yesterday I had the mapping session. Essentially they take the coil and move it around until they find the location on the brain and strength of the pulse that makes your thumb involuntarily twitch. It was very weird, them pressing a button and my face or hand twitching on cue. The whole thing lasted about 20 minutes. I did not feel any pain and had no headache or any other side effects. Additionally, prior to going in, they had me fill out two more depression inventories (Hamilton and Beck, if I’m not mistaken) and then explained to me how it works. I’m not […]

5/20/2016 4 comments

TMS tomorrow

by whydoiwantto 5/18/2016

written by whydoiwantto

As this site has semi functioned as a journal for me to track my depression, and as people were pretty curious about TMS when I posted about it, I have decided to post about my experience with TMS, as I am starting 6 weeks of treatment starting tomorrow.

Pre-procedure:
I had to take two depression tests and go over the history of every psych med I had tried which wasn’t effective (hard to remember them all). This was to show the insurance two things, 1. I had major depression and 2. It is treatment resistent even after trying multiple anti depressants. The charge of this was […]

5/18/2016 3 comments

Nobody wants to talk about drugs huh

by whydoiwantto 5/17/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Isn’t in funny how a lot of people on this site will ignore any post that even mentions drugs. Even though depression and addiction often go hand. Well here it goes, you’ve been warned!!
Cokecokecokecoke
Was that so bad huh? Well it’s been maybe 1-2 weeks of nonstop daily use, and honestly when that powder hits my nose I feel calm. You imagine a cokehead jumping up and down, meanwhile I’m nodding on it. I feel calm and for once that constant voice saying suicidesuicidesuicide is shut out by the voice saying cokecokecoke.

I guess recovery’s not going so well. Sorry for taking my anger out […]

5/17/2016 14 comments

Meeting tonight

by whydoiwantto 5/15/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Going to a meeting tonight. Pretty nervous. But these drugs have got a hold on me and all my friends use… Might be nice to meet some sober people.

5/15/2016 3 comments

Suicidal

by whydoiwantto 5/12/2016

written by whydoiwantto

I am crying alone in my room. I have not left my bed in over 16 hours and missed work today. I have a feeling I’ll be fired tomorrow if I show up. Might not show up tomorrow either. Long story short, I am feeling overwhelmingly suicidal again.

Not that I ever really stop feeling this way, but I’m talking about the bawling, give-me-a-gun-I’ll-do-it, type of suicidal thoughts. The kind that are uncontrollable and terrifying, not the logical and cold thoughts… These are emotional and broken and angry and indecipherable. And I hate myself so much for going through all this, for thinking this way. I […]

5/12/2016 3 comments

terrified of the idea of sobriety

by whydoiwantto 5/9/2016

written by whydoiwantto

It’s almost midnight and I’m actively trying to recruit my friend to pick me up to drive me to a bar to drink with me… even though I have work tomorrow. So I’m writing this high on some weed I smoked with a complete stranger who I met at this group addiction meeting. I feel like a fuck up and a failure as my therapist runs the meeting and she let me go for free and I fucked things up.

The meeting really made me question my use of drugs but also made me so scared to be sober. I hate myself when I use drugs […]

5/9/2016 6 comments

Depawhaaat and TMS

by whydoiwantto 5/8/2016

written by whydoiwantto

So it’s almost 5 am where I live and I can’t sleep. I feel like a failure. I tried to make things better. I went to the psychiatrist and got meds, been to therapy every week, I am even trying to get insurance approval for TMS… I went to work every day like I’m supposed to. But nothing seems to be improving. If anything, the depakote makes me feel so numb, like everything is grey. I feel like I’m just jumping through hoops, going through the motions.

But I am hopeful about the TMS. It’s the only thing left I haven’t tried besides ECT. I wonder […]

5/8/2016 6 comments

Thank you

by whydoiwantto 4/16/2016

written by whydoiwantto

thank you everyone for your support. i’m awake now and doing alright, feeling sick but hopefully that will pass soon. this community has been so nonjudgmental and kind throughout this all, i really appreciate it. thank you so much guys, love you all.

as far as feelings… i’m angry that i failed again, angry that i tried to begin with… when did things start getting so bad that it seems impossible that things will get better? my mind is scattered, i feel like a failure. i’m just glad i wasnt found while i was out… i might find my way into the psych ward again, but […]

4/16/2016 5 comments

goodbye and thank you

by whydoiwantto 4/14/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Hello everyone, I just wanted to thank you all for your kind words and support the last few years. I have hit a wall and I think this is it for me. The constant pain and suffering… I just can’t deal with it anymore. So tonight is the night. I have a cocktail of sorts arranged with a backup plastic bag, I know we aren’t supposed to talk about methods so I will leave it at that, I’m not sure if it will work but I am hoping it will. This site has been a source of inspiration and just a huge amount of support […]

4/14/2016 15 comments

Trying to get help

by whydoiwantto 4/13/2016

written by whydoiwantto

I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to try medicine again so that I can function and not be crying all the time. I called out of work today and tried to set up a therapist and psychiatrist appointment but all the psychiatrists in my healthcare network (I literally called every one) are not taking new patients or have no availabilities. I was sobbing on the phone as I heard no after no…

However I was able to set up a therapist appointment for today. I haven’t gone to therapy in about two years but I have been feeling so suicidal and isolated […]

4/13/2016 1 comment

Depression and relationships

by whydoiwantto 4/12/2016

written by whydoiwantto

What are your experiences in how depression has effected your friendships and relationships? With past girlfriends it’s always been an issue between us, and I just lost a friend because any good qualities I had were “overwritten” by depression. I’m looking for advice. I’m tired of being so alone. I just don’t think I can change the fact that I want to die.

4/12/2016 15 comments

On the edge

by whydoiwantto 4/11/2016

written by whydoiwantto

I’m on the edge right now. One of the few close friends I have, someone I considered my best friend, said that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore ever since I tried to kill myself back in December, because dealing with the depression is too much. Apparently I’m just too sad all the time and it’s bringing her down…

I’m so fucking tired of my depression ruining relationships. If this medical condition was diabetes or something like that, this never would happen. But these suicide thoughts are out of my control. At the end of the day, after she told me the truth […]

4/11/2016 1 comment

Anyone up?

by whydoiwantto 3/24/2016

written by whydoiwantto

I can’t escape these thoughts. Maybe it would be different if they told me from the beginning, “you know, there’s a very good chance that this is something you’re going to have to adapt to, because it might go away but you’re probably going to feel these things at some level until the day you die.” But I feel like I’ve passed the point where I could have adapted or changed my thinking patterns. It’s like an obsession, thinking of suicide.

Everyday, I see the train and watch the light approach the platform. I feel the train push the wind into me before it trembles past, […]

3/24/2016 4 comments

On the edge

by whydoiwantto 3/5/2016

written by whydoiwantto

It’s about that time again – you know, when depression rears its ugly head and you start researching extensively on the internet for exit strategies… Drunk on a saturday and feeling like I can’t escape. Of course I feel awful about leaving my family but really this cannot go on… The suffering and inability to function within society – like a puzzle piece that can’t fit in. I am so fucking tired of being gay which is essentially a death sentence or at least a life long curse of loneliness and harassment.

Normally I try to write better, wax some sort of whining poetic about romanticized […]

3/5/2016 2 comments

Consequences

by whydoiwantto 2/28/2016

written by whydoiwantto

Recently the depression has really been picking up and the desire to just end everything has gotten so much stronger.. I’ve been thinking a lot about the consequences of suicide and just feeling awful about it.

It’s like bang – gone – no more pain – rebirth or silence but at least escape – but then the thoughts of my family at my funeral, the friends who I have made future promises too, people I love and know I would hurt… Why does an act that ultimetely reflects a life long struggle and is truly personal have such a ripple effect? Why can’t I end my […]

2/28/2016 5 comments

In a bad place

by whydoiwantto 2/18/2016

written by whydoiwantto

So it is happening again, the depression and urges of suicide are growing stronger. The temptations are so hard to resist it’s like a chain I can’t escape this feeling. Why live an unhappy life? Depression is lifelong so why put up with this misery? It’s not environmental, I have a good job, good friends… it’s more like a riptide pulling me in no matter how hard I try to swim away.

Here is my story: like many of you my childhood was abusive, I was preyed on early and there are things that happened that I can never forget. I coped with drugs starting in […]

2/18/2016 2 comments

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