And here I am. Writing on a website my feelings of sadness.
I have no friends. No one to talk to. A crazy family that I live with but try to avoid because of my disagreements of their lifestyle. Im a very stubborn person. I feel that Im broken as a result of my own family. I feel mental anguish. I have RSI in my wrist from too much typing, writing, mouse clicking. I am on medication for something that was caused by my family. I despise medication. I havent had real friends for 7 years. Ive been depressed since I was 16. Even though ive been wronged my entire life. Im forced to go to university against my will. I do not seek wealth. I seek peace. Im afraid of failure. Im afraid of befriending people. Im afraid of my future. Im afraid of not feeling justice. Im sad that others feel the same way I do. I feel trapped. Trapped in my parents house. Everything would be better if I could leave. But that requires money. Ive worked for low pay before. Hated it. I want to get training. But I do not want university. I enjoy learning. But I cant handle more stress. I seel a minimalistic lifestyle. But research indicates that it would not be easy for me to attain a minimal stress lifestyle. Working for minimum wage would be stressful. My family thinks I am going to be successful. But I do not care. They judge so much. I do not care. I do not wish to raise children in this creul world, so I will not be having any. I will be judged for that too. I wish to have a relationship with someone and friendships. But ive been isolated so long I cant make any. I dont know how. Im too bitter. I feel jealous of others who didnt put up with what I put up with. My parents fought my whole life. Still do. Knowledge is depressing. The more I learn the more hope/dread/ anxiety I accumulate. I appreciate beauty and art. I appreciate good people. I despise the unemployment rate in america. I despise mean people. I was bullied a few times in school. I told myself that I wasnt. I didnt let myself believe that I was being bullied. I often dismissed the idea of bullying. I hated the moments. I blocked them from memory. I hated feeling weak and powerless against immature, rude, disrespectful, trashy children. But that was long ago. That caused me to become even more withdrawn. I have no friends by choice. I felt strong in high school knowing I didnt need others. Others felt intimidated by me. I wasnt weak. But my intimidation didnt help me aquire friends. The barrier I surrounded myself with is still very strong today. The bullying was mild. others stories are much worse than what I went through. That makes me sad. Most of my shield came from my bad upbringing. Going to school depressed from your home life is the worst feeling. I have horrible social skills. I feel wronged. Broken.
My life is sad. My life doesnt make sense. I feel like I am too weak to survive in this harsh world. Survival of the fittest is something I know is true. ive read so much.
This was written on a small touchscreen keypad. Not essay format. these are feelings I never share. sorry if they are hard to decipher. Im normally a grammar freak. But this small screen does me no justice.