I have fallen into an old routine. Exposed to the same torment that I so proudly beat. But now, It has returned with a vengeance. It has given me two months of happiness. How sly It is. How cunning. Amazing, how It can vanish without a trace, but still control your every breath, weighing it down with Its hatred. It may not always be visible. You may not always be able to feel It. But It is always there. Watching. Waiting. A slow, silent killer. It takes away your pain but just briefly. Rids your life of any scum that dare deny you happiness. But […]
Nothing lasts forever. The pain doesn’t last because life doesn’t last. It may be another 40 grueling years before my pain ends, but at least I can rest peacefully knowing it won’t last me an eternity.
It saddens me knowing that life is so fragile, so impermanent. Not my life, of course. That could end at any moment, and I would not fuss. I would welcome it like a monarch welcomes sunlight. But the lives of others. That saddens me.
I know one day my father will pass. The only man I have ever truly trusted and loved. My role model, and superhero; Best friend, shepherd, and […]
I have done it again. This time deeper. Wider. Longer. Bloodier. I can’t remember why. I can’t remember what I used. How I did it. Where I did it.
But I do remember the pain AFTER the injury. I remember having to have my leg bandaged for three days. And after three days still cleaning up blood. I remember having a severe limp. People would ask me what was wrong, and I’d just say, “Oh, the weather these days really does a number on my hips.”
My boyfriend questioned them, but only briefly. We are both so accustomed to seeing scars on eachothers’ bodies. Sometimes I wished […]
I’m scarred.
I have wounds on my body that won’t heal.
I’m tainted.
I have thoughts raging in my mind that won’t be silenced.
I’m desperate,
to find the place in which I know I belong.
I’m lonely.
Living in a house with no one to come home to.
I’m terrified,
that my life has meaning that I won’t discover.
I’m “different”.
I don’t share your thoughts, your opinions, or your ideas.
I’m tempted,
to end it all and move on to another world.
I’m tormented,
by the thoughts and the screams that I hide with a smile.
I’m healing.
Because these scars are only skin deep.
I’m learning,
to love myself and allow others to love […]
I often fantasize about being stranded on a tropical island, completely isolated. I don’t care how I get there, and I don’t care the state I am when I finally arrive. But it would be nice, for once, to be completely alone in a beautiful place and not have to worry about media, or politics, or finances, or love. Just live with nature and forget about everything that happened in the “real world”.
I’m pretty adapted to nature. I know how to start a fire with a couple rocks, or two stick, or a bunch of dried grass, a couple of splintered sticks, and a piece […]
I’ve decided to go to work today. I haven’t been there since Tuesday. I woke up today so sore and stiff that it took me 15 minutes to pry myself out of bed. My head hurts, and once again I was unable to eat anything. That makes it two days without a decent meal..
I feel my anxiety kicking in. Although I’ve worked there for over a year. I know my staff very well, and I get along with each and every one of them. I have multiple repeat customers that I am able to talk to. Life, and weather, and entertainment. I like my job. […]
I have been dealing with depression for 8 painful years, and have had a self mutilation additction for seven of those eight. I have my ups and downs, but lately I feel like my depression has taken a turn for the worst. I have always felt it mentally and emotionally, but the physical symptoms of depression were always minor. That is… until recently. I couldn’t tell you what triggered my depression this time around. I haven’t the slightest clue. Maybe I’m lonely. Maybe I’m scared. Maybe I feel lost because my youth is very quickly leaving me.
I can’t eat. Every time I even look at food I’m […]