I’m putting this behind me. I have a far fetched plan that I’m hoping will work. I’m not killing myself just yet. Just getting off the site. Bye.

i don’t really understand why i think about killing myself all the time. the feeling and thoughts don’t even derive from bad memories or events. they’re simply always there.

people tell me all the time to realize that my life isn’t bad, but that’s not the problem, im aware of that.

it’s just, i think i’m the problem. that I don’t deserve to be here. but what the fuck did i even do wrong?

i try my best to be respectable, i care about people who don’t even give two shits about me, others always come before myself. i try to be good, i think i am pretty decent.

so why […]

last night in a desperate attempt at grasping what was left of my sanity i wrote another poem. I have not written in weeks which i find rather ironic because my screen name is the faceless poet. Last night in my desperation i came to an abrupt realization… No one gives a damn. I could write all the poems in the world and my status in life still will not change. Sure it is a way to vent, but maybe just for one day out of the rest of my life i would rather be content with the outcome of my day rather than having […]

I need to teach myself not to feel. Or to bury my feelings and water them down so they don’t show up anymore. I used to know how, I used to be good at it. But now, I’m told that is what a man does. He buries his feelings. A man doesn’t show every emotion he has. True men don’t show any feeling. I am mostly emotionless now. Emotions don’t cross my face, they cross my tone. They betray me in my voice. I will not accept weakness in myself. This is not an option. I must get rid of my feelings. I must not […]

What’s a life when you stand for nothing? Nothing. You have to stand for something. If you stand for nothing, then anything will send you over the edge. You’re already on the ground, all that happens is everything washes over you, and you begin to sink in the dark swirling mess. But if you stand for something, you have to get brought to your knees before you fall. It doesn’t sound like fun, and it isn’t, because each time you fall to your knees, hope seems to be lost. Many times people will stand up for their dreams, but dreams are shot down, and then […]

a mess. hopeless. useless. trapped. angry. bitter. sad. confused. tired. tired. tired. alone. who can i tell? what can I say? spin it so it’s acceptable. i know i try. i hate complaining. but I need to think this. because it seems so hopeless… i want to give up… i think about what’s ahead of me and it doesn’t seem like what i want or even what i deserve.

maybe i just make all the wrong choices… or maybe, it doesn’t matter because whatever is going to happen is going to happen. but that’s not very empowering is it?

you just have to say “fuck it, I wanna be happy.”

Life is Shit at the moment, life is a journey.

You stepped in a pile of shit ok?

When you do that in real life, what really happens?

For the next ten miles do you think about that pile of shit you stepped in?

Do you see piles of shit on the road ahed and steer yourself right into them?

No? So why do it mentally?

Sure, your foot may stink because of the residual shit, but the initial impact is back there man, leave your bad feelings about the shit back there. […]

I want to say I just have feelings of tremendous love for each and everyone of you. You are so real, so in touch with truth, so in touch with your feelings, and that is so so special. I can relate to all the pain, the sorrows and depression you’ve been so kind to share on here. Hugs to you all, and I’ve joined to be with you all on our life journeys to survive the darkness and hopefully see it lift, no matter how much fighting it involves, no matter how dark and how hard, we can get up when we […]

Over the course of my short 26 years of life, I have attempted suicide on no less than 8 occasions.

From the age of 11, I was bullied at school, tormented and tortured by grown men who’d wait for me after school and not to mention the troubles I was working through at home and struggling to admit the fact that I am gay, even to myself.

All of this plus a few other reasons landed me in therapy.

From the age of 11 onwards I saw one psychotherapist after another and I’ve been on so many medications that it’s hard to be certain of the exact number. […]

Im sorry. I hope you see this :[

I would talk about the way layers of burned flesh rolled off my wrist in the shower and the feeling that the drugs produced when snorted instead of swallowed. I would tell of the extreme dizziness, the pounding headache, and the thick fog I was in; the muffled sobbing and the uncontrollable shaking while laying on the cold, hard bathroom floor at 2 am. I would describe how my body screamed to escape while there was still a chance, but my mind said that I was already too far gone. I would tell of how I just wanted to swallow all my pills and […]

You think your being strong
But it’s unintentional suicide
There’s no pills on your tongue
But it’s like you’re on anodyne
You think you’re getting better
But you don’t know if it still hurts
The ‘better’ you get the less that you feel
Is this the way we think we heal?

I hate my life……. it truly isn’t worth living I only have 3 friends. Their would
have been 1 more but he’s a douchbag back stabber…..anyway I want help but I
don’t like asking people for help. There’s nowhere left….tonight will hopefully
be the last night I will have to worry about anything…..

So tomorrow ‘s my birthday. I hope it’s better than it was last year.. I had one of the worst years last year and I was hoping this year would be better. I stopped taking my medication and I feel fine. But today I’m thinking I want to die again. I mean I always have my days when I want to end it but today, right now, I want to go to a better place. Somewhere people will stop judging me, somewhere I won’t be afraid to be myself. Somewhere where friends aren’t everything. I want to go to heaven with Jesus my savior. Its […]

mirror, mirror, my only friend

you listen, but no hand can you lend

you see me for the man i can be

but then i remember my only friend is me

it is lonely no matter the place

The people are the same no matter the base

I feel like a junker in a nascar race

like a clay pot next to a porcelain vase

so mirror mirror tell me something new

but you can’t which is why this pain will ensue

sure you’re always there by my side

but every time you smiled, you lied

time to face that my only friend isnt real

it has no emotions it can not feel

so ill see you every day […]

So today, I feel as though the world is telling me to do it, just go for it. At work today a overly perky co-worker gave me a toosie roll telling me it would make me smile, that no one can not smile while eating a toosie roll. I was running down the second flight of stairs for the third time today and thought hell eat the toosie roll. So I did, I broke a tooth on it, I broke a tooth eating a toosie roll!

My neighbors are such ass’s. all week my toilet has been bumbling, thumbling, and acting as though it is […]

I Realized How Depressing Society Gets. Judgmental, Bipolar, Childish People.. No Wonder People Cut. No Wonder People Commit Suicide. No Wonder..I Give Up.

I’m scared to get help for my depression.  I know I should but I hate asking for help, especially when I know it will disappoint my friends and family.  Barely anyone knows about my depression and those who do don’t ever mention it–as if it’s the plague–or are no longer in my life.  I’ve posted my story in it’s entirety on this website before, but since that night I’ve been struggling with whether or not to get help.

It’s always a little disheartening to watch your favored boxer slip and move only to step into a hard punch that otherwise could have been avoided if he had done…nothing.  He would have been better off had he not moved at all.  And so it goes with life.  What is the right question to ask here, if there is one at all?  Is it important to take risks and repeatedly fail, with the very real risk of conditioning yourself to accept it?  Or was this a mistake, misjudgment or worse- sign of weak character?

Over the past four years of my life, I’ve looked back at […]

you said you’d never leave
you said you’d never stray.
but people always lie,
they don’t ever stay.
I hear you found another,
one who seems much better
than I ever was.

I hear you guys are going strong and you’ve stopped writing your sad songs.
You leave me here still writing mine.
Counting, waiting, willing the time.
I want it to fly
I want it go
cause time is a *****
you and I both know.
if it were’nt for time we’d still be loving.
but we are’nt.

You said you’d always love me
You said we were meant to be
you said my eyes shined […]