Vincent Willem van Gogh – July 29, 1890
https://www.vincentvangogh.org
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0612.htm
http://www.vggallery.com/painting/p_0779.htm
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Asylum
I remember the psychiatric wards.
I remember the ice cold floors in the morning, and walking barefoot to the unlockable bathrooms to take a piss. Rolling out of the beds in a drugged daze for the nurse to take my vitals.
”How are you feeling this morning?”
”Fine.”
I remember the series of emotions that flow through me as I process my situation again- for the 5th day in a row:
How long am I going to be here for?
Oh God, I can’t believe I’m (back) here. How the hell do I explain this to everyone? Am I crazy? Does anyone even know I’m in here?
This isn’t so bad, right? […]
Please I ask of thee, but listen to me and tell me ,if Iam mad. Life around us is in toil and pain ,sleep is short. Leaving me alone, to pounder the ifs and what’s ,where and why. when is my mine ever  going to see peace in my waking day . Was I born this way? to walk amuck the stranger an imperfect human. Mocking my way, and wondering. who is that strange person.  Nor do I look and ask the same, from my point of view. Long Days and Nights have past.  has it gone ,what is it that I am supposed to […]
“Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me: I quit!’â€
― Bill Maher
“When you’re young and healthy you can plan on Monday to commit suicide, and by Wednesday you’re laughing again.â€
― Marilyn Monroe, My Story
“We cannot tear out a single page of our life, but we can throw the whole book in the fire.â€
― George Sand, Mauprat
“What’s the big fucking deal? Lots of amazing people have committed suicide, and they turned out alright.â€
― Emilie Autumn
“I simply wondered about the dead because their days had ended and I did not know how I would get through mine.â€
― James Baldwin
“She […]
I didn’t always live in a nightmare. I didn’t always have conversations with the voice in my head. I wasn’t always watched by disembodied shadows. I didn’t always hear tortured screams and maniacal laughter or my name in empty rooms. I used to be “happyâ€. “Happy†is an illusion created to hide all the pain, madness and fear. It was never real. But I used to experience that bliss, “Ignorance is bliss,†they say. That bliss is gone. I used to smile and laugh all the time. I used to think, or be thoughtful. Before the clouds, and locks. Before the black fog that covers […]
Every where i go,
death follows me,
his accomplice on his shoulder,
waiting for a feed.
The blood raven calls,
“your soul is mine to keep.”
my heart grows cold,
and my eyes begins to weep.
Infected with a darkness that none can understand,
death offers me asylum in a dark and foreign land,
a land full of souls, just as lost as mine
stuck in the dark for an endless lenghth of time
The raven calls again.
“Please accept our offer, friend,
you’ll be with your own till the passage of time ends.”
And with that final word, they return to their land.
The offer on the table and […]
The doctors speak a language all their own
Full of words and chemicals unknown
To vacant minds with drugged behinds
So they can fix their wretched soul
It will fix you they say
As though you were broken in some way and your mind could be replaced
With one more common place and less problematic
To them it’s just another day
In the asylum in which they stay
Day after day they prey upon the psyche of lost children and desperate parents.
Their duties to help the needy
To be carried out hastily
By giving them lobotomies
Through a poison masked as a remedy.
I was there, a zombie amongst the horde
The ER having me deferred
To a ward full […]
Words and whispers I can’t get to leave my head
The voices call; they want me dead
The asylum grows closer as I grow colder and the threat of pills stays my hand’s blade
One more mistake is all it takes to send me back, and kill my hopes of moving forward.
 My school work, my  job, it’ll all be over.
 Medicines will consume me, taking over my mind.
No longer will I find pleasure in writing lines or playing rhythms, the ability lost in the crusade of science and therapy.
Trust will be dismissed, me reverting to the life of a prisoner for two weeks then a man on probation for […]
“I am my heart’s undertaker. Daily I go and retrieve its tattered remains, place them delicately into its little coffin, and bury it in the depths of my memory, only to have to do it all again tomorrow.”  — Emilie Autumn (The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls)
I had my first suicidal thought at the age of eight. Two years later, I had what I referred to as “my contingency plan”, consisting of a lethal OD of my mum’s prescribed potassium chloride pills. It was a strange comfort to know that, if everything ever became too much, there was something I could DO, something I actually had […]
Screams
Screams no one can hear
In the darkness there is silence and fear
The shouts uttered by a madman
Heard throughout the ward
He is the forgotten one
The one whose lost all hope
There’s nothing anyone can do
To help him cope with his pain
He talks to himself
His brain and body taking sides
Of his split personality:
One to live. One to die.Â
The voices in his head
Tell him he should be dead
And half his will wishes to oblige
Yet the memories of his friends
Keep him moving to mend his life
And live another day.Â
He’s got nothing left
Nothing left to hide